Tuesday, June 16, 2015
Two Words
FETAL DEMISE.
Until I heard those words uttered by the ER Doctor, I never new two small words could destroy me in just a moment.
I knew when the ultrasound tech didn't show me the heartbeat after her exam that it was over. I still held out some kind of hope that maybe they were reading it wrong or maybe the baby was jsut measuring small.
Nope. I had miscarried around two weeks before just a very short time after my 8 week appointment where I was so excited to see a little fluttering heartbeat.
Words cannot express the destruction those two words carry with them.
Tuesday, May 19, 2015
Heartbroken
Tuesday, May 5, 2015
Life Changes
If someone would have told me a few years ago that I would be where I am today, I would have laughed in their face.
Life has funny way of changing on you just when you think you have a grip on everything.
I thank God for unanswered prayers. I also thank him for answered ones.
Smiles all around.
Monday, April 13, 2015
14
Death All Around
As we get older, so does everyone else in our life. Profound realization huh?
All jokes aside, it seems like lately I can't go a few days without finding out some bad news about someone.
My Uncle has a Stage 4 Glioblastoma. Glioblastoma multiforme (GBM), WHO classification name "glioblastoma", also known as Grade IV Astrocytoma,[1] is the most common and most aggressive malignant primary brain tumor in humans, involving glial cells and accounting for 52% of all functional tissue brain tumor cases and 20% of all intracranial tumors. GBM is a rare disease, with an incidence of 2–3 cases per 100,000 person life-years in Europe and North America. It presents two variants: giant cell glioblastoma and gliosarcoma. About 50% of the patients diagnosed with GBM die within one year, while 90% within three years. Treatment can involve chemotherapy, radiation and surgery. Median survival with standard-of-care radiation and chemotherapy with temozolomide is 15 months. Median survival without treatment is 4½ months.
Insert sad face here.
Just last week, a good friend lost his Mother after she was sick for barely a week. Dee was a great woman.
Then, to add to all matters, S's Stepdad potentially has Stage 4 lung cancer.
Death comes in threes they say. I say bull damn shit.
#Fuckyoucancer
Tuesday, February 24, 2015
GFY Tuesday
Wednesday, October 29, 2014
Tuesday, July 8, 2014
Missing Her
It's hard to believe that it has been almost 7 months since I said goodbye to my Mom. When people say "there's not a day that goes by that I don't think about her", truer words have never been spoken. Often times I am reduced to tears just thinking about her and wishing I could hear her voice. My mind plays vicious tricks on me and presents vivid images of her laying in a hospital bed or how her hand felt in mine as she took her last breath. I miss her just as much and I did as I sat there in the chair beside her praying that she wouldn't go.
If and when you lose your mother, these are the things you'll miss about her most.
1. You'll miss buying your mom a really nice present after traveling overseas. If anyone would appreciate a gift from my travels, it would be her. And if anyone deserved a special gift, it was her. I can picture her saying, "My daughter bought this for me in..."
2. You'll miss asking your mother questions about your childhood.
3. You'll miss hearing your mother tell you, in her own way, that you're amazing. Because no matter how much you doubt yourself, she never did.
4. You'll miss having someone you trust (really trust) and having someone there when you came home from work, who cleaned your house cleaner than when you left.
5. You'll miss her sarcastic humor, especially hearing her say things like, "I've got a lot of problems and that ain't one of them.'
6. You'll miss her emails. All those annoying forwards.
7. You'll miss seeing her handwriting in cards, notes, and lists. It was the most perfect, neat handwriting anyone had ever seen.
8. You'll miss her likes on Facebook.
9. You'll miss seeing the bravery she pulled from God knows where when told, in so many words, "I have a lesion on my liver." And you'll miss her trying to make the conversation all about the banal things going on in your life while pretending nothing was wrong.
10. You'll miss her criticizing you to your face, but bragging about you behind your back.
11. You'll miss getting to appreciate her a little more when something bad happens to someone else, not you.
12. My mom could be a tough-as-nails hard-ass when she wanted to be, but she was also a therapist and always knew the right way to tell me how to manage friend drama and dating troubles.
13. Her driving: My mom was the only person I knew who was a worse driver than I am now. I totally miss her being here to make me look good.
I could list so many other things that I miss and I will miss in the years to come. Right now, I miss everything.
If and when you lose your mother, these are the things you'll miss about her most.
1. You'll miss buying your mom a really nice present after traveling overseas. If anyone would appreciate a gift from my travels, it would be her. And if anyone deserved a special gift, it was her. I can picture her saying, "My daughter bought this for me in..."
2. You'll miss asking your mother questions about your childhood.
3. You'll miss hearing your mother tell you, in her own way, that you're amazing. Because no matter how much you doubt yourself, she never did.
4. You'll miss having someone you trust (really trust) and having someone there when you came home from work, who cleaned your house cleaner than when you left.
5. You'll miss her sarcastic humor, especially hearing her say things like, "I've got a lot of problems and that ain't one of them.'
6. You'll miss her emails. All those annoying forwards.
7. You'll miss seeing her handwriting in cards, notes, and lists. It was the most perfect, neat handwriting anyone had ever seen.
8. You'll miss her likes on Facebook.
9. You'll miss seeing the bravery she pulled from God knows where when told, in so many words, "I have a lesion on my liver." And you'll miss her trying to make the conversation all about the banal things going on in your life while pretending nothing was wrong.
10. You'll miss her criticizing you to your face, but bragging about you behind your back.
11. You'll miss getting to appreciate her a little more when something bad happens to someone else, not you.
12. My mom could be a tough-as-nails hard-ass when she wanted to be, but she was also a therapist and always knew the right way to tell me how to manage friend drama and dating troubles.
13. Her driving: My mom was the only person I knew who was a worse driver than I am now. I totally miss her being here to make me look good.
I could list so many other things that I miss and I will miss in the years to come. Right now, I miss everything.
Tuesday, May 6, 2014
Graduation
WOOT! I walked this weekend and received an empty folder to hold my Graduate degree. Although I technically "graduated" in October of last year, this was the first ceremony that I could walk in.
I was the 5th person to walk across the stage. That left quite a few others to follow behind me. The benefit of this was that I was only two rows from the stage. My fellow degree holders and I sat and watched while some very interesting fashion choice paraded across the stage. A good time was had by all.
Happy Graduation to ME!
Monday, January 27, 2014
67 Things I Wish I Had Known At 18
67 Things I Wish I Had Known At 18
1. Boys will break your heart. Let them. Learn from it.
2. It’s so easy to become jaded, but don’t let it happen to you. Fight it.
3. Stand firm in your beliefs.
4. Love yourself. Sometimes you’re all you have.
5. Cherish the little things.
6. Order pizza at 3am on a Tuesday. It won’t kill you.
7. It’s okay to laugh at yourself. Embrace the imperfections.
8. You are the rule, not the exception. Life will be so much easier if you accept this now.
9. Make mistakes. If you learn from them, they won’t be in vain.
10. He’s lying, there is no fish tank. Go anyway.
11. Classes can be retaken. Life cannot.
12. Sometimes it’s better to ask for forgiveness than for permission.
13. The world is full of cynics – don’t become one.
14. Stop calling him. Stop texting him. If he wanted you, he’d be there.
15. Apologize when you’re wrong. Just suck up your pride and do it.
16. Bellybutton piercings are a bad idea. As are tattoos.
17. No one is perfect. Stop being so hard on yourself.
18. Hug your friends. Cherish them. Hold them tight.
19. Laugh until you cry. Cry until you laugh.
20. Step outside your comfort zone.
21. Order a glass of water with every drink. It’s not lame. It’s smart.
22. A bad hair day really won’t kill you.
23. Dancing on tables should be reserved for special occasions, like birthdays and Thursday nights.
24. Don’t dumb yourself down for a boy.
25. Ignorance is not bliss. Study. Work hard.
26. Life is hard. Accept this and move on.
27. Don’t sweat the small stuff, but do sweat at the gym. Your health is your everything.
28. Tell your parents you love them every chance you get.
29. Stop caring so much about what everyone else thinks.
30. Forgive. Life is too short to be angry.
31. You are destined to be more than just someone’s wife. Act like it.
32. People will hurt you. Don’t stoop to their level.
33. Read a newspaper.
34. Sometimes the only person that you can rely on is yourself.
35. It’s okay if your thighs touch and your tummy isn’t perfectly toned. You’re still beautiful.
36. Don’t let your happiness depend on another person.
37. Push yourself. You’d be amazed at what you’re capable of.
38. Smile through the tears.
39. Don’t slut shame. Girls have it hard enough – don’t turn on one another.
40. It’s okay to ask for help.
41. He’ll never change. Let him go.
42. Trust your instincts.
43. Worrying causes wrinkles and Botox is expensive. Calm down.
44. Take pictures. Lots and lots of pictures.
45. Love with everything you have.
46. Put down your phone and look around. Life is happening.
47. Stand up for yourself.
48. Confidence is everything.
49. Wash your makeup off at night. Seriously. Do it.
50. There are bad people in this world. Don’t be one of them.
51. Be honest with yourself.
52. Be honest with others.
53. You never need that last shot of vodka, but have it anyway.
54. There is a man out there who will not make you cry. Wait for him.
55. Don’t take yourself too seriously.
56. Your success will not be handed to you. Work for it.
57. Don’t waste money on expensive mascaras. Great Lash by Maybelline will always be the best.
58. Give back.
59. He does not define your self-worth. Stop letting him.
60. Life is uncertain. Tomorrow is not guaranteed; don’t take it for granted.
61. Your faith in everything you know will be tested. Push forward.
62. Be carefree, not careless.
63. It’s okay to cry.
64. You will fall, both literally and figuratively. Get back up.
65. Tequila is a bad idea, as is getting back together with an ex.
66. Fad diets never work.
67. Be gracious in all that you do.
1. Boys will break your heart. Let them. Learn from it.
2. It’s so easy to become jaded, but don’t let it happen to you. Fight it.
3. Stand firm in your beliefs.
4. Love yourself. Sometimes you’re all you have.
5. Cherish the little things.
6. Order pizza at 3am on a Tuesday. It won’t kill you.
7. It’s okay to laugh at yourself. Embrace the imperfections.
8. You are the rule, not the exception. Life will be so much easier if you accept this now.
9. Make mistakes. If you learn from them, they won’t be in vain.
10. He’s lying, there is no fish tank. Go anyway.
11. Classes can be retaken. Life cannot.
12. Sometimes it’s better to ask for forgiveness than for permission.
13. The world is full of cynics – don’t become one.
14. Stop calling him. Stop texting him. If he wanted you, he’d be there.
15. Apologize when you’re wrong. Just suck up your pride and do it.
16. Bellybutton piercings are a bad idea. As are tattoos.
17. No one is perfect. Stop being so hard on yourself.
18. Hug your friends. Cherish them. Hold them tight.
19. Laugh until you cry. Cry until you laugh.
20. Step outside your comfort zone.
21. Order a glass of water with every drink. It’s not lame. It’s smart.
22. A bad hair day really won’t kill you.
23. Dancing on tables should be reserved for special occasions, like birthdays and Thursday nights.
24. Don’t dumb yourself down for a boy.
25. Ignorance is not bliss. Study. Work hard.
26. Life is hard. Accept this and move on.
27. Don’t sweat the small stuff, but do sweat at the gym. Your health is your everything.
28. Tell your parents you love them every chance you get.
29. Stop caring so much about what everyone else thinks.
30. Forgive. Life is too short to be angry.
31. You are destined to be more than just someone’s wife. Act like it.
32. People will hurt you. Don’t stoop to their level.
33. Read a newspaper.
34. Sometimes the only person that you can rely on is yourself.
35. It’s okay if your thighs touch and your tummy isn’t perfectly toned. You’re still beautiful.
36. Don’t let your happiness depend on another person.
37. Push yourself. You’d be amazed at what you’re capable of.
38. Smile through the tears.
39. Don’t slut shame. Girls have it hard enough – don’t turn on one another.
40. It’s okay to ask for help.
41. He’ll never change. Let him go.
42. Trust your instincts.
43. Worrying causes wrinkles and Botox is expensive. Calm down.
44. Take pictures. Lots and lots of pictures.
45. Love with everything you have.
46. Put down your phone and look around. Life is happening.
47. Stand up for yourself.
48. Confidence is everything.
49. Wash your makeup off at night. Seriously. Do it.
50. There are bad people in this world. Don’t be one of them.
51. Be honest with yourself.
52. Be honest with others.
53. You never need that last shot of vodka, but have it anyway.
54. There is a man out there who will not make you cry. Wait for him.
55. Don’t take yourself too seriously.
56. Your success will not be handed to you. Work for it.
57. Don’t waste money on expensive mascaras. Great Lash by Maybelline will always be the best.
58. Give back.
59. He does not define your self-worth. Stop letting him.
60. Life is uncertain. Tomorrow is not guaranteed; don’t take it for granted.
61. Your faith in everything you know will be tested. Push forward.
62. Be carefree, not careless.
63. It’s okay to cry.
64. You will fall, both literally and figuratively. Get back up.
65. Tequila is a bad idea, as is getting back together with an ex.
66. Fad diets never work.
67. Be gracious in all that you do.
Tuesday, December 17, 2013
NO NO NO NO NO
No, I am not okay.
No, I don't want to tell you how I'm feeling.
No, I don't need anything.
No, you can't do anything.
Can you bring my Mother back? NO.
She's only been gone for a little over 72 hours. I'm still actively grieving.
Even though I know she isn't suffering anymore and she is much better off, NO, I don't want her to be gone.
I just want to hug her, hold her, tell her that I love her, make her feel better.
It happened so fast. NO, I was not ready. Neither was she.
So no. I am not okay.
Oh, and stop talking about how much worse it is because it's the holidays. Any day your Mother dies is a bad day. Any time of the year is a bad time.
NO.
No, I don't want to tell you how I'm feeling.
No, I don't need anything.
No, you can't do anything.
Can you bring my Mother back? NO.
She's only been gone for a little over 72 hours. I'm still actively grieving.
Even though I know she isn't suffering anymore and she is much better off, NO, I don't want her to be gone.
I just want to hug her, hold her, tell her that I love her, make her feel better.
It happened so fast. NO, I was not ready. Neither was she.
So no. I am not okay.
Oh, and stop talking about how much worse it is because it's the holidays. Any day your Mother dies is a bad day. Any time of the year is a bad time.
NO.
Friday, November 22, 2013
Pretty Much
Thursday, August 1, 2013
Oh My
I can get to my blog again from work. What shall I ever do with myself? Hmmmm....let me think about it and I will get back to you.
HELLO people.
M
Thursday, December 27, 2012
Goodbye 12
Each year for the last few years, I have found myself counting down the days and hours until the year ends. Hoping. Hoping at the next year will bring something different. Something new. A change. One for the better. This year is no different. Except for the fact that I no longer have those hopes. I refuse to count down the the minutes until the ball drops and hope for a better year. Usually it's just mere weeks into the year when the same old shit rears it's ugly head.
I've noticed that we have to make the changes we want. We have to fight hard, against everything we believe and know to be true sometimes to make ourselves be different. Often times we hurt ourselves beyond repair and generally we knew it would happen but we still do the same stupid things again expecting different results. Someone once said that was a sign of insanity.
So, 2013 is lurking around the corner. What can I say? I'm going to quit smoking? Already did that. I'm going to lose weight and go to the gym? Already doing that? I'm going to get my Masters? Already doing that? I even got a boob job in 2012. What else is there? Relationships are a joke. Love is no longer anything I once believed it was. I know. I will stay at home, become a recluse, pay off all of my bills and be the mean old lady with 10 cats that lives at the end of the street.
What do you think?
Wednesday, December 5, 2012
Dear You
Yeah you. You know who you are.
I still smile when I think of you.
Somehow, after all this time. You still make my heart skip a beat.
If I think about you too hard, I still lose my breath.
It's hard to believe that what we had was so long ago,
yet, somedays it feels like yesterday.
Thank you for always being there for me.
Oh how I wish things were different for us.
Another time. Another place. Another life.
Little Bunny
Wednesday, November 14, 2012
Vicious Circles
Somedays I find myself running around in a vicious circle. Just when I think I have escaped from the first circle, I find myself in another one. It's almost like I am trapped in a house of mirrors and I keep banging on each wall trying to find an escape.
WHY AM I IN HERE? I hate the house of mirrors. Always have. It's not that I am afraid to see myself in the mirror or to really look at myself, it's that I am afraid I will get trapped. Stuck.
I want better. I deserve better. I need better. I am better.
I have for so long been settling for less than I deserve. If I am all the things my friends say I am then WHY can't I figure that out? Why can't I stop putting up with bullshit and people who treat me like I am less?
No only am I enough, I am more than enough. Often times I am too much.
Monday, November 5, 2012
Just Like It
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tSrzYwedIJ0
I'm just saying, I LOVE this song. Now, if I could just find someone to sing it to me.
Tuesday, October 23, 2012
Sometimes I Wonder
No just sometimes really, most of the time. I guess wondering is better than wandering.
I hate when bad people are happy. Does that make sense? I mean really, people that treat others like shit or hurt people seem to always get the good end of the stick, while those that treat people well and try to do good any chance they get are always the one getting crapped on.
Blah blah blah. Don't let things bother you. Be tolerant etc. Yeah, I got that. I get that. It's really, really hard to maintain a positive attitude when you can't find any good in anyone anymore. Given the chance to be dishonest, most people will.
What a sad state of affairs. To those people that are happy and deserve to be, good for you. But most of you were at one time just as jaded and cynical as me. You just choose not to remember it.
I hate when bad people are happy. Does that make sense? I mean really, people that treat others like shit or hurt people seem to always get the good end of the stick, while those that treat people well and try to do good any chance they get are always the one getting crapped on.
Blah blah blah. Don't let things bother you. Be tolerant etc. Yeah, I got that. I get that. It's really, really hard to maintain a positive attitude when you can't find any good in anyone anymore. Given the chance to be dishonest, most people will.
What a sad state of affairs. To those people that are happy and deserve to be, good for you. But most of you were at one time just as jaded and cynical as me. You just choose not to remember it.
Monday, October 15, 2012
Wednesday, October 10, 2012
Who?
Seconds turn into minutes, minutes turn into hours, hours turn into days, days turn into weeks, and so on and so on.
Eventually the emptiness is just normal. Numbness takes over.
Stolen glances around the room to see if you are there no longer invade my thoughts.
The blank screen of my phone is reality.
I no longer look for your texts, emails or phone calls.
Where is who?
Eventually the emptiness is just normal. Numbness takes over.
Stolen glances around the room to see if you are there no longer invade my thoughts.
The blank screen of my phone is reality.
I no longer look for your texts, emails or phone calls.
Where is who?
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