Thought Provoking Thursday

Above all, be true to yourself, and if you cannot put your heart in it, take yourself out of it.--Hardy D. Jackson

Trying to forget someone you love is like trying to remember someone you never knew. Ever wonder why I don't talk to you anymore? It's not that I don't want to, it's just that everything I want to say I can't tell you anymore. Silence speaks volumes. You should listen.

Have you ever realized that when people say you’ve changed it’s because you’ve stopped living life their way? NO, it's because I've finally found myself.

Most people don't know who they are. That's why they lie. They're afraid someone else will figure it out before they do

Here's the things. I damn sure am not always as confident as I seem. I have learned to put on a brave face and smile my way through even the worst of pain. I live a social life that sends me home at night feeling even more alone than I thought I was when the day started. There are many days and even more nights when the only thing I want more than breath is to be held. I will admit it, I want to be someone`s last call of the night, and their first thought in the morning. I want those 5 hour conversations that end in "no,you hang up first." I want the heart racing, palm sweaty, "what`s going to happen next" moments. I want the hugs that you never let go of and the stolen kisses that are always the sweetest. But most importantly, I just want to know someone considers me THEIRS. That girl you see that everyone "knows", that's not the real me. That's the girl trying to find something that just doesn't seem to be there. I have this great life, but no one to share it with. There is an empty other half of the bed. A seat at the table where no one is sitting. Even worse, my heart wants it to be someone that it can't be, so where do you go from there?

I used to wear my heart on my sleeve, but too many people mistook that for me being naive. I have been completely broken before, it's something that you have to force yourself to come back from. It will rip your soul out and eat it for breakfast. But I will never apologize for saying what I feel. That's like saying sorry for being real. <---oooo it rhymes.

Tell Me About It Tuesday

My pen is the barrel of a gun. Remind me which side you should be on.

Just a list of great quotes. Starting with one of my favorites and just randomly going on from there.

‎"No man, for any considerable period can wear one face to himself and another to the multitude without finally getting bewildered as to which may be the true." Nathaniel Hawthrone

I will gladly stand at the bottom of the mountain with someone that never gives up than at the top with someone who will never appreciate the view.

A person who truly loves you, will never let you go and will never give up, no matter how hard the situation is.

‎"When so many are lonely as seem to be lonely it would be inexcusably selfish to be lonely alone." Tennesse Williams

‎"Every normal man must be tempted at times to spit upon his hands, hoist the black flag, and begin slitting throats." H.L. Mencken

‎"Who knows what true happiness is? Not the conventional word, but the naked terror. To the lonely themselves, it wears a mask. The most miserable outcast hugs some memory. Or some illusion." Joseph Conrad

Tragedies happen. What are you gonna do, give up? Quit? No, I realize now that when your heart breaks, you've got to fight like hell to make sure you're still alive. Because you are. And that pain you feel? That's life. The confusion and fear? That's there to remind you, that somewhere out there is something better, and that something is worth fighting for.

‎"There is no privacy that cannot be penetrated. No secret can be kept in the civilized world. Society is a masked ball where everyone hides his real character, then reveals it by hiding." Ralph Waldo Emerson

Out of the night that covers me,
Black as the Pit from pole to pole,
I thank whatever gods may be
For my unconquerable soul.
In the fell clutch of circumstance
... I have not winced nor cried aloud.
Under the bludgeoning of chance
My head is bloody, but unbowed.
Beyond this place of wrath and tears
Looms but the Horror of the shade,
And yet the menace of the years
Finds, and shall find me, unafraid.
It matters not how strait the gate,
How charged with punishments the scroll
I am the master of my fate:
I am the captain of my soul.
- Invictus, William Ernest Henley

‎"The heart has reasons that reason cannot know." Blaise Pascal

‎"You cannot run away from a weakness; you must sometimes fight it out or perish. And if that be so, why not now, and where you stand?" Robert Louis Stevenson

"Do not look back and grieve over the past, for it is gone. And do not trouble about the future for it is yet to come. Live in the present and make it so beautiful, that it will be worth remembering." Scott Taylor Idus

Every once in a while people step up, they rise above themselves. Sometimes they surprise you, and sometimes they fall short. Life is funny sometimes, it can push pretty hard, but if you look close enough you find hope in the bars of a song and in the eyes of someone you love. And if you're the luckiest person on this entire planet, the person you love decides to love you back.

In Terms of Love

I realize that the picture and the following words contradict each other a bit but today, the picture is how I feel.

Kahlil Gibran on Love

When love beckons to you, follow him,
Though his ways are hard and steep.
And when his wings enfold you yield to him,
Though the sword hidden among his pinions may wound you.
And when he speaks to you believe in him,
Though his voice may shatter your dreams
as the north wind lays waste the garden.

For even as love crowns you so shall he crucify you. Even as he is for your growth so is he for your pruning.
Even as he ascends to your height and caresses your tenderest branches that quiver in the sun,
So shall he descend to your roots and shake them in their clinging to the earth.

All these things shall love do unto you that you may know the secrets of your heart, and in that knowledge become a fragment of Life's heart.

But if in your fear you would seek only love's peace and love's pleasure,
Then it is better for you that you cover your nakedness and pass out of love's threshing-floor,
Into the seasonless world where you shall laugh, but not all of your laughter, and weep, but not all of your tears.
Love gives naught but itself and takes naught but from itself.
Love possesses not nor would it be possessed;
For love is sufficient unto love.

Think not that you can direct the course of love, for love, if it finds you worthy, directs your course.

Love has no other desire but to fulfill itself.
But if you love and must needs have desires, let these be your desires:
To melt and be like a running brook that sings its melody to the night.
To know the pain of too much tenderness.
To be wounded by your own understanding of love;
And to bleed willingly and joyfully.
To wake at dawn with a winged heart and give thanks for another day of loving;
To rest at the noon hour and meditate love's ecstasy;
To return home at eventide with gratitude;
And then to sleep with a prayer for the beloved in your heart and a song of praise upon your lips.

Thanks For Calling

Thanks For Calling

You said you thought of me the other day.
It was nice to know
I had somehow found my way into your thoughts.
Not a day goes by that I don’t think of you;
Never a sun has set that I haven’t longed for you.

You miss me, you said.
I have learned to live with missing you.
It’s not so hard.
All I have to do is live:
Close my mind,
Breathe,
And walk and talk,
But, never feel . . .

In other words, I miss you, too.

I make it through with the hope
That only time stands between us,
And each day will bring you closer.
But, I grow impatient.
Why can’t it be tomorrow?

What is this strange enchantment that is cast upon our fate?
Never really together,
Yet, we’ve never really said goodbye.
I just loiter in your memory,
And you linger in my heart,
While each passing day reminds me
That our lives are miles apart.

Don’t you see?
You are my hopes, my thoughts, my dreams.
But, it was nice to hear you say
You thought of me the other day.

. . . NancySue Krenrich Hamm

Bye Bye 2011

I will not be sad to see 2011 go away. This year has sucked monumentally.

I ended last year heartbroken and it looks like I will do the same this year. From car accidents, to speeding tickets, to inuries, to financial disasters, to the loss of my Grandmother and Kate, it's almost more than one girl can take. I don't want to end this year sad. I want to be happy at Christmas and happy at the New Year. Aside from my aching heart, I will do my best to make it happy.

For all of my complaining though, let me just say that there were good things that happened in 2011.

I met an amazing person.
I traveled out of the US for the first time.
I spent Easter Sunday at the site where Jesus was baptized.
I started my Masters Degree.
I bought a new car.
I lost 28 pounds.
I got promoted at work.
I got divorced.

And a few others things that are escaping my thoughts right now.

I guess I will just take the good with the bad and say goodbye to 2011 and get ready for 2012 and what it has in store for me.

Sign On The Door

I'm a big Edwin McCain fan. There is one of his songs that always seems to get to me and right now, more than ever.

"Sign On The Door"

Wendy's sittin' next to me
She's trying hard to drink it away
And I feel the rumble of the subway
Beneath the stage
And her eyes are screaming
And her lips are pursed
And this ain't her first heartache
But it feels like, it feels like the worst
And she says
Can someone tell me how this can happen
And I guess that God only knows
My heart used to be
The sweet shop of love
But now the sign on the door
It says sorry we're closed
And I hear myself tell her
Some old words I know they won't help
And then I feel guilty
'Cause I closed some sweet shops myself
And we all talk about timing
And lifestyles and such
But to a heart that's been shattered
Those words don't mean that much
And all of our pining
It just goes to show
Don't you enter a shop
With the sign on the door
Saying sorry we're closed
And she's been through all the pain
That one can endure
And her new man thinks she loves him
But he can't be sure
And his heart pines for Wendy
She says that's how it goes
How am I supposed to know
He can't read the sign saying
Sorry we're closed
Yeah we're closed
And she says
Can someone tell me how this can happen
And I guess that God only knows
My heart used to be
The sweet shop of love
But there's a sign on the door
There's a sign on the door [3x]
One more sign...

Yippee

Wait what? Yippee is NOT how I am feeling. But hey, you know those people that say their daily mantras? You know, the ones that leave little post its all over that say "you can do this", "today is your day" well the Yippee is my mantra.

Just say it. It's hard not to picture yourself or someone else jumping up and clicking their feet together with their hands stretched out on the air screaming "Yippee" at the top of their lungs like they just got some great news.

So for today, I say YIPPEE. Tomorrow I am going to have to come up with something else clever.

At a loss

At a loss for words.
Dismissed without a thought.
Erased.

Sometimes there just aren't words to explain a hurt.
Thoughts stumble around in my mind.
Unable to form a sentence.
What do you say when someone says goodbye but you never hear the word?

Love Your Fear

You Had The Time Of Your Life

Kate, I'm sitting here trying to think of something to write. It's hard to believe that you are gone. You missed your 32nd birthday yesterday woman. How dare you sneak out on such a great event? And Halloween. My how you loved to dress up.

To think that you just laid down on the couch to get some rest and never woke up just doesn't make sense. BUT knowing that you didn't suffer brings a small comfort.

My heart is breaking knowing that M was only 7 days old (she's a whopping 11 days old now). That precious baby will never know the vibrant amazing woman you were. Your other girls are such beautiful little represenatations of you. May God bless and keep Tommy and your children in his arms.

We miss you. Thank you for making all of our lives better in some way.

My Tree

You can't be in a constant state of want, or you will never actually have anything. If you are always wanting something, you tend to forget what it is you actually want.

It's like climbing out on a tree branch on the top of the tree. You want to be on top so bad that you have climbed so far away from the root of the tree that you forget where you came from and how to get back.

Like a ballet dancer, has to go back to the bar and find her steps. A vocalist has to go back to the basics to find her tone. I must go back to the root of my tree. I must water my soil so that my tree can grow and stop being concerned about my withering leaves.

E. Holmes said "You can attract only that which you mentally become and feel yourself to be in reality."

Feeling The Music

I'm not an X Factor watcher but lately there has been a little hype about some auditions.








Sometimes you can't help but to feel the music.

It Does Exist

True love isn't a unicorn. Not a mythical creature.

Two of my favorite people from high school married each other. Sure, in high school they were always friends and different from each other, but it makes my heart smile to see them together. It took them a year or so after high school to start dating and then another two years to get married but hey, they did it. This is what I saw on her Facebook a few minutes ago.


S: Sixteen years ago today I walked down the aisle to marry the best man in the world! I was so happy about it I laughed through the whole ceremony! I'm still laughing and loving him as much today as I was then! Happy Anniversary J! I love you more!

J: If I had the chance to go it again, I would. There's not a nerdier hot girl I know. You are the total package! Top, BOOM! Bottom, BAM! Brains, KAPOW! KNOCK-OUT!! You're my Medusa...think about it...I LOVE YOU FOOL!!

YAY for the Unicorn.

A Dream Within A Dream

A Dream Within A Dream


Take this kiss upon the brow!
And, in parting from you now,
Thus much let me avow-
You are not wrong, who deem
That my days have been a dream;
Yet if hope has flown away
In a night, or in a day,
In a vision, or in none,
Is it therefore the less gone?
All that we see or seem
Is but a dream within a dream.

I stand amid the roar
Of a surf-tormented shore,
And I hold within my hand
Grains of the golden sand-
How few! yet how they creep
Through my fingers to the deep,
While I weep- while I weep!
O God! can I not grasp
Them with a tighter clasp?
O God! can I not save
One from the pitiless wave?
Is all that we see or seem
But a dream within a dream?

Today

Today I cried.

I cried for all of the what ifs,
The could have beens,
The should have beens,
The if I just had another chance.

Today I cried.

I cried for the heartbreak.
For the loss of my belief in a meant to be.
For the wondering how it came to be like this.

Today I cried.

I cried for me. I cried for you. I cried for us.

Don't Do It

Never Lose Your Shine

Shimmers dance and sparkle
On the surface side
Of new and the glare is stunning
Never lose your shine

Vision was bleak once
To the point of near blind
Life changed when the light came
Don’t ever lose your shine

In awe we watched
A path close behind
Fresh ink illuminated to
Never lose your shine

Emotions cascaded
Sincere tears in eyes
Never surrender the feeling and
Never lose your shine

So glow on pretty penny
You’re buff like a new dime
Utilize lady luck for your own right and
Never lose your shine

‘Cause there ain’t no deny
You’re buff just like a new diamond
So come out of hiding for all to find and
Never lose your shine

You are the brightest beacon
Amongst the dark sky
Guide on with confidence and
Never lose your shine

‘Cause dent, dulls, and darkness
Relentlessly arise
Keep the flame a-flicker and
Never lose your shine

Nothing is more defeating
Than affection that fades with time
Polish up your ambitions and
Never lose your shine

When you hold a key
One that opens closed minds
You have to enlighten your thoughts
and keep them a-glow and never lose your shine

After a While

After a While
(You Learn)
© Veronica A. Shoffstall 1971

After a while you learn the subtle difference between
holding a hand and chaining a soul.

And you learn that love doesn’t mean leaning,
and company doesn’t always mean security.

And you begin to learn that kisses are not contracts,
and present's aren’t promises.

And you begin to accept your defeats
with your head up and your eyes ahead...

With the grace of a woman,
not the grief of a child.

And you learn
To build all your roads on today,

Because tomorrow's ground is too uncertain for plans,
and futures have a way of falling down in mid-flight.

After a while you learn that even sunshine burns
if you get too much…

So, you plant your own garden,
and decorate your own soul...
Instead of waiting for someone to bring you flowers.

And you learn that you really can endure…
you really are strong,
you really do have worth.

And you learn, and you learn…
with every goodbye,

You Learn…

I must be

Insane. Albert Einstein said the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.

Yep. I keep expectIng different results and getting the same ones.

There is nothing worse than feeling like a fool.

This Is What Boredom Will Get You

1. What is in the back seat of your car right now? Chain saw, trash bags, rope, shovel, blah blah blah.

2. When was the last time you threw up? I don't throw up. You shut up.

3. What's your favorite curse word? Good girls don't curse. Shame on you for thinking so.

4. Name 3 people who made you smile today? Me, Myself and I. HEEEEEEEEEYYYYYYYYYYYY...

5. What were you doing at 8 am this morning? If I tell you, I will have to kill you.

6. What were you doing 30 minutes ago? Please refer to the answer to #5 and stop asking questions that will get you hurt.

7. What will you be doing 3 hours from now? Layin it down on the flip side. Didn't I warn you about these questions?

8. Have you ever been to a strip club? Yes. It's amazing the skills those girls have. I guarantee they will be the future leaders of America. They hold the true moral values that our country should be founded upon.

9. What is the last thing you said aloud? You're so fine, you blow my mind, how bout I hit it from behind?

10. What is the best ice cream flavor? Bubble gum...u get free gum, c'mon!

11. What was the last thing you had to drink? Not telling. 'Cause you can't have none.

12. What are you wearing right now? White turtle neck, dark green vest, pink camisole, white bra with matching panties (grrr), red leggings, black pants, blue suspenders, black knee high socks, white knee pads, yellow sweatband, purple ring pop, red fruit roll-up earrings (made them myself), aluminum foil grill, neon green scrunchie.

13. What was the last thing you ate? Food. Interesting concept huh?

14. Have you bought any new clothing items this week? Pocket protector. I'm pretty stoked about it.

15. When was the last time you ran? Last week when they had a prostitution ring bust in my neighborhood.

16. What's the last sporting event you watched? Dodgeball.

17. Have you been drinking? No officer. I am am the designated driver.

18. Who is the last person you emailed? Your mom.

19. Ever go camping? Around here, we call it livin.

20. Do you have a tan? Why's it always gotta be a tan thing?

21. Are you mad? Like Britney Spears mad?

22. What kind of car do you drive? None of your business. And no you can't get a ride.

23. What is today? It's ummmm...wait...what? Ummm...where am I?

24. Do you drink your soda from a straw? If I'm at a fancy sit-down restaurant. But that's only once every couple of years or so....

25. What did your last IM say? The body is buried in the backyard, if you talk, I kill you.

26. Are you someone's best friend? Hellz yeah I am. The bestest.

27. What are you doing tomorrow? Even street walkers have to rest.

28. Where is your mom right now? Wouldn't you like to know.

29. Look to your left, what do you see? The street sign. Sooo exciting! Take it off!

30. What color is your watch? Don't got no watch. I'm a rebel.

31. What do you think of when you think of Australia ? My Aunt, Uncle and cousins cookin somethin on the bar-bie!

32. Would you consider plastic surgery? Sometimes I think about it and I'm like, "well maybe just a little here or there" then I see someone later in life who had it done years ago and they look disgusting and I realize that I'd rather just diet and work out really hard and make good with what I got. Nothin a little tissue can't fix.

33. What is your birthstone? Skulls and Crossbones

34. Do you go in at a fast food place or just hit the drive thru? Drive thru so I can peg the cashier woman in the head with a penny.

35. How many kids do you want? Do you have some you are bringing to the relationship? I can want those.

36. Do you have a dog? Yes. Two, and they can kick your dogs butt.

37. Last person you talked to on the phone? My pimp.

38. Have you met anyone famous? I am famous....for being amazing. What what.

39. Any plans today? Just filling this out and then skidaddling to bed. (I know you love that I brought out the skiddaddle, really, how long has it been since you've heard that one?).

40. How many states have you lived in? Notchyos.

41. Ever go to college? Been. Graduated and going again. I think I'm confused.

42. Where are you right now? Hello. Obvious. Like...duh.

43. Biggest annoyance in your life right now? Lack of sleep.

44. Last song listened to? If you stand on it...we stand behinnnnnnnnd it!

45. Where were you 6 hours ago? I have an alibi, I swear.

46. Are you allergic to anything? Dumb drunk men at the bar. Ick...

47. Favorite pair of shoes you wear all the time? My bo bos. Walmart special yo.

48. Are you jealous of anyone? Nah brah.

49. Are you in love? Is that what I told you?

50. Is anyone jealous of you? Probably, there are many haters out there.

51. What time is it? You tell me. I ain't got not watch, remember?

*52. Do any of your friends have children? Yes, but we don't talk about their boyfriends like that.

53. Do you eat healthy? Define healthy.

54. What do you usually do during the day? Square dance, play jenga, and do a little break dancing.

55. Do you hate anyone right now? No...got only love for yas.

56. Do you use the word 'hello' daily? And howdy...can't forget howdy.

57. Ever been in the military? My DD-214 says I was.

58. How old will you be turning on your next birthday? How old are you looking for?

59. Have you ever been to Six Flags? Nah, I just ride real fast around corners through Northeast DC. Same thing. Ghetto rollerocaster.

Can We Have It All?

A few friends and I get in to a certain discussion from time to time. It's the "can we actually have it all" conversation.

Tides have changed over the years and women are more successful than ever. All of the sudden, we spend our lives getting an education and obtaining a career and then we find ourselves alone, with no one to share it with. There you are, standing in your big house or driving in your new car and there is no one standing next to you, or riding in the passenger seat, or driving while you sit in the passenger seat.

It seems these days that we have to give up something to get something else. Like we just can't have it all. We can't be educated, have a great career, be healthy and have love and be happy.

OR maybe we should just be happy with all of the "things" we do have. BUT what is all that "stuff" if you don't have someone to share it with? If at the end of the day, you go home to an empty house and talk to yourself (or your dogs) and when something exciting happens, you don't have that person to call and share it with that will exude pride and love in their voice when they get excited with you.

Can we have hit all? Or do we need to change our definition of what having it all is?

My Mama always told me that I am never satisfied. I used to think this was a good thing, maybe a bit of ambition but lately, I'm not so sure.