Graduation

WOOT! I walked this weekend and received an empty folder to hold my Graduate degree. Although I technically "graduated" in October of last year, this was the first ceremony that I could walk in. I was the 5th person to walk across the stage. That left quite a few others to follow behind me. The benefit of this was that I was only two rows from the stage. My fellow degree holders and I sat and watched while some very interesting fashion choice paraded across the stage. A good time was had by all. Happy Graduation to ME!

67 Things I Wish I Had Known At 18

67 Things I Wish I Had Known At 18

1. Boys will break your heart. Let them. Learn from it.

2. It’s so easy to become jaded, but don’t let it happen to you. Fight it.

3. Stand firm in your beliefs.

4. Love yourself. Sometimes you’re all you have.

5. Cherish the little things.

6. Order pizza at 3am on a Tuesday. It won’t kill you.

7. It’s okay to laugh at yourself. Embrace the imperfections.

8. You are the rule, not the exception. Life will be so much easier if you accept this now.

9. Make mistakes. If you learn from them, they won’t be in vain.

10. He’s lying, there is no fish tank. Go anyway.

11. Classes can be retaken. Life cannot.

12. Sometimes it’s better to ask for forgiveness than for permission.

13. The world is full of cynics – don’t become one.

14. Stop calling him. Stop texting him. If he wanted you, he’d be there.

15. Apologize when you’re wrong. Just suck up your pride and do it.

16. Bellybutton piercings are a bad idea. As are tattoos.

17. No one is perfect. Stop being so hard on yourself.

18. Hug your friends. Cherish them. Hold them tight.

19. Laugh until you cry. Cry until you laugh.

20. Step outside your comfort zone.

21. Order a glass of water with every drink. It’s not lame. It’s smart.

22. A bad hair day really won’t kill you.

23. Dancing on tables should be reserved for special occasions, like birthdays and Thursday nights.

24. Don’t dumb yourself down for a boy.

25. Ignorance is not bliss. Study. Work hard.

26. Life is hard. Accept this and move on.

27. Don’t sweat the small stuff, but do sweat at the gym. Your health is your everything.

28. Tell your parents you love them every chance you get.

29. Stop caring so much about what everyone else thinks.

30. Forgive. Life is too short to be angry.

31. You are destined to be more than just someone’s wife. Act like it.

32. People will hurt you. Don’t stoop to their level.

33. Read a newspaper.

34. Sometimes the only person that you can rely on is yourself.

35. It’s okay if your thighs touch and your tummy isn’t perfectly toned. You’re still beautiful.

36. Don’t let your happiness depend on another person.

37. Push yourself. You’d be amazed at what you’re capable of.

38. Smile through the tears.

39. Don’t slut shame. Girls have it hard enough – don’t turn on one another.

40. It’s okay to ask for help.

41. He’ll never change. Let him go.

42. Trust your instincts.

43. Worrying causes wrinkles and Botox is expensive. Calm down.

44. Take pictures. Lots and lots of pictures.

45. Love with everything you have.

46. Put down your phone and look around. Life is happening.

47. Stand up for yourself.

48. Confidence is everything.

49. Wash your makeup off at night. Seriously. Do it.

50. There are bad people in this world. Don’t be one of them.

51. Be honest with yourself.

52. Be honest with others.

53. You never need that last shot of vodka, but have it anyway.

54. There is a man out there who will not make you cry. Wait for him.

55. Don’t take yourself too seriously.

56. Your success will not be handed to you. Work for it.

57. Don’t waste money on expensive mascaras. Great Lash by Maybelline will always be the best.

58. Give back.

59. He does not define your self-worth. Stop letting him.

60. Life is uncertain. Tomorrow is not guaranteed; don’t take it for granted.

61. Your faith in everything you know will be tested. Push forward.

62. Be carefree, not careless.

63. It’s okay to cry.

64. You will fall, both literally and figuratively. Get back up.

65. Tequila is a bad idea, as is getting back together with an ex.

66. Fad diets never work.

67. Be gracious in all that you do.

NO NO NO NO NO

No, I am not okay.

No, I don't want to tell you how I'm feeling.

No, I don't need anything.

No, you can't do anything.

Can you bring my Mother back? NO.

She's only been gone for a little over 72 hours. I'm still actively grieving.

Even though I know she isn't suffering anymore and she is much better off, NO, I don't want her to be gone.

I just want to hug her, hold her, tell her that I love her, make her feel better.

It happened so fast. NO, I was not ready. Neither was she.

So no. I am not okay.

Oh, and stop talking about how much worse it is because it's the holidays. Any day your Mother dies is a bad day. Any time of the year is a bad time.

NO.

Pretty Much

This picture couldn't be more perfect for today if I made it myself. Deep breaths. 10, 9, 8, 7, 6.....

Oh My

I can get to my blog again from work. What shall I ever do with myself? Hmmmm....let me think about it and I will get back to you. HELLO people. M

Goodbye 12

Each year for the last few years, I have found myself counting down the days and hours until the year ends. Hoping. Hoping at the next year will bring something different. Something new. A change. One for the better. This year is no different. Except for the fact that I no longer have those hopes. I refuse to count down the the minutes until the ball drops and hope for a better year. Usually it's just mere weeks into the year when the same old shit rears it's ugly head. I've noticed that we have to make the changes we want. We have to fight hard, against everything we believe and know to be true sometimes to make ourselves be different. Often times we hurt ourselves beyond repair and generally we knew it would happen but we still do the same stupid things again expecting different results. Someone once said that was a sign of insanity. So, 2013 is lurking around the corner. What can I say? I'm going to quit smoking? Already did that. I'm going to lose weight and go to the gym? Already doing that? I'm going to get my Masters? Already doing that? I even got a boob job in 2012. What else is there? Relationships are a joke. Love is no longer anything I once believed it was. I know. I will stay at home, become a recluse, pay off all of my bills and be the mean old lady with 10 cats that lives at the end of the street. What do you think?

Dear You

Yeah you. You know who you are. I still smile when I think of you. Somehow, after all this time. You still make my heart skip a beat. If I think about you too hard, I still lose my breath. It's hard to believe that what we had was so long ago, yet, somedays it feels like yesterday. Thank you for always being there for me. Oh how I wish things were different for us. Another time. Another place. Another life. Little Bunny

Vicious Circles

Somedays I find myself running around in a vicious circle. Just when I think I have escaped from the first circle, I find myself in another one. It's almost like I am trapped in a house of mirrors and I keep banging on each wall trying to find an escape. WHY AM I IN HERE? I hate the house of mirrors. Always have. It's not that I am afraid to see myself in the mirror or to really look at myself, it's that I am afraid I will get trapped. Stuck. I want better. I deserve better. I need better. I am better. I have for so long been settling for less than I deserve. If I am all the things my friends say I am then WHY can't I figure that out? Why can't I stop putting up with bullshit and people who treat me like I am less? No only am I enough, I am more than enough. Often times I am too much.

Just Like It

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tSrzYwedIJ0 I'm just saying, I LOVE this song. Now, if I could just find someone to sing it to me.

Sometimes I Wonder

No just sometimes really, most of the time.  I guess wondering is better than wandering. 

I hate when bad people are happy.  Does that make sense?  I mean really, people that treat others like shit or hurt people seem to always get the good end of the stick, while those that treat people well and try to do good any chance they get are always the one getting crapped on. 

Blah blah blah.  Don't let things bother you.  Be tolerant etc.  Yeah, I got that. I get that.  It's really, really hard to maintain a positive attitude when you can't find any good in anyone anymore.  Given the chance to be dishonest, most people will. 

What a sad state of affairs.  To those people that are happy and deserve to be, good for you.  But most of you were at one time just as jaded and cynical as me.  You just choose not to remember it. 

In Anothers Words

I LOVE THIS!  Truly love this.

http://chelseatalkssmack.blogspot.com/2012/10/just-like-woman.html

Who?

Seconds turn into minutes, minutes turn into hours, hours turn into days, days turn into weeks, and so on and so on.

Eventually the emptiness is just normal.  Numbness takes over.

Stolen glances around the room to see if you are there no longer invade my thoughts.
The blank screen of my phone is reality.
I no longer look for your texts, emails or phone calls.

Where is who? 

Just A Few Words

There are some opening lyrics to a song that I love.  Whereas the entire song does not pertain to me right now, the words that are about to follow seem to resonate throughout my life. 

"Tryin' to live and love w ith a heart that can't be broken, i s like tryin' to see the light w ith eyes that can't be opened."

Have You Ever

Sat and listened to the sound of your heart crumbling?  When you sit there waiting, knowing that you are going to hear the news that will shatter it the rest of the way?  It's hell.  Pure hell. 

Somedays are truly better than others.  Do you remember where you were the last time your heart was broken?

Close The Door

Lately, I've noticed that people have been shushing me a lot.  Yes, I can be loud at times.  Even more so if I have a cocktail or two in me.  But come on, if you are having a business meeting with the conference door open that exits right into the common area of the office, CLOSE THE DOOR if you don't want people talking outside of it.  Especially when I was greeting someone and presenting something to them. 

This whole post is really about people shoving their arguments in my face.  I don't give a rats ass if the Chick-Fil-A guy does not like gays.  I love chick-fil-a and I am not gay so whatever. 

Don't even get me started on the rest of the stuff. 

If I didn't eat or shop or go to every place that I didn't agree with their beliefs and policies, I would be homeless, starving without clothes.  And I wouldn't have a job because I work for a Democratic office and I am a Republican. 

CLOSE THE DOOR if you don't like it. 

I believe in my second amendment and I love guns.  Stupid punk that shot up the movie theater is an extreme case.  Take my guns away because the used them for stupidity?  I think not. 

New Idea

I am thinking about starting a new blog called Wheels Up Rings Off:  Lies Married Men Who Travel Tell You.  I am thinking that I already have a plethora of information and research done. 

What a train wreck of idiots that parade themselves through this town. 

And once a week I can have a photo segment called:  Is this your husband?  Complete with a picture of some random drunk man making out with some drunk girl who is clearly not his wife. 

How many people do you think would send me death threats? 

Rememorialing

What a busy life we all lead these days. One of my favorite bloggers has said goodbye to the blogging world to move on to the rest of his life, some of my other favorites barely write anymore and then there is me. Each day I think to myself, I should blog about that, and then what do I do? NOTHING. Shame on me. Last weekend, on Saturday to be exact, I had the opportunity to go to a dinner for Gold Star Families. My friend Renee was in town from Texas and she is a Gold Star Widow. We used to be stationed together in Hawaii in the Marine Corps back in the day. She and her husband Matt had their beautiful marriage cut short just mere months after they were married and 5 weeks after there tiny daughter came into this world. That was 11 years ago on the 15th of this month. Thanks to her and this dinner, I was introduced to quite a few other great women. Each othe their stories so very different. Widows from the Army, the National Guard, the Marine Corps, the Navy, etc. I laughed, I cried, I shuddered, I shook my head and I memorialized these young men with the women who loved them the most (besides their Mamas of course). I feel so honored to have been welcomed into their circle of friends even though I cannot imagine their pain. Memorial Day was again another day that I looked at even more differently than I ever had before. I've lost friend in Iraq and Afghanistan and I've mourned their deaths but that day, I celebrated the lives of such amazing men. So, Matt, Howie, Earl and Tico, rest in peace gentlemen, your amazing wives are carrying on for you.

http://chelseatalkssmack.blogspot.com/2012/04/youth-youre-probably-fucking-up-but.html In case you are too lazy to follow the link. Thursday, April 12, 2012 YOUTH: You're probably fucking up, but don't worry about, you've got time. There's something about the smell of the air at 10pm in Hollywood, when the sky doesn't give you the privilege of seeing the stars that makes you feel like you're eighteen again. ...tugging at your clothes wondering if you look pretty, if people will think you're funny, or if they're feigning interest... or if people can tell you've been eating peanut butter for dinner for like, a month straight, while piling into a car with a person you barely know, wondering if they're going to remember your name when you run into them at Gelson's in a week. There's something about that smell. 10pm, right before summer comes full force, that reminds me of all those weird insecurities that you hope you've masked enough for functionality sake...now that you're 25 and all. You'll put this mask on autopilot. Chipping away at truths, layers trailing behind you, reminding you of what you're desperately trying to shed. But here's the thing about youth. Right? YOUTH. Isn't it equally magic and horrendous at once? The thing is this; sometimes, when you're 25, you'll end up cuddling with someone you shouldn't and you'll feel terrible the next morning and think, "when in the fucking, FUCK am I going to get it right?" then, you'll remember that sometimes, a warm bicep feels better than a pillow. That sometimes, you'll isolate yourself and then you'll spread yourself thin. Sometimes, you'll be in the middle of the desert, with your arms in the sky, fingers splayed, tips touching the smoky dome of the Universe and you'll think, "Am I experiencing the actual best moment of my life right this second?" Then you'll fist your hands back up, the lights will turn off and you'll worry about your taxes. Or if you're eating enough greens. Sometimes, you'll play Tetris with your plans and awkwardly dance atop the teeter totter like a lost puppy with a smile on their face while repeating, "I got this... I think? I got this... i think?" and like a charged game of Russian Roulette you'll hope you land on "GOT THIS SHIT." Then of course, you won't land there and you'll make yourself a quesadilla. And hopefully, play another game. Sometimes, you'll have all the feelings and feel nothing at the exact same time and you'll think, "oh my god...is THIS the undiscovered dimension all humans throughout time have been feeling?" Then, you'll crawl into your bed all charged and "wise" and suddenly, you're on your phone debating ordering a pizza or calling your Mom, pretending that you have your shit together. Then you'll meditate, do some yoga, talk to God and feel "okay" again, until you wake up and have to relearn the epiphanies you had the night before and then, you'll feel bad for forgetting them. For not taking them seriously enough. For not making significant life-altering changes on your way to Starbucks, interspersed into your Daily Routine. SOMETIMES, while you're mid-hangover, you'll be sitting alone at a café and the most beautiful family will be sitting in front of you and you'll be like, "THAT'S ALL I WANT." Then, you'll proceed to text that person who makes you feel like a Douchebag to see if they'll acknowledge your existence, by which the following steps occurs- Step 1. If so, they give you one word. You do a cartwheel. You project progress. Step 2. you'll try to hang out with them, which obviously won't happen... Step 3. You actually give up. A month later, you're back at the same café, staring creepily at a family coveting their life and thinking, "I'm lonely. No, I'm not, I'm awesome?... But still, I'm here creepily envying you? " thus, back to feeling all the things at once. Sometimes, you'll collect all the wrong people and place them behind your fancy Windex-assaulted hutch, shiny glass and all and then at some unexpected point, you'll be forced to reevaluate their worth and realize you have to make a painful trade. You'll give up and then you'll take up. Then, you'll repeat it all again. Sometimes, you'll have everything you want right in front of you, but you won't give it the time of day because you're too afraid to let go of the things that validate you just enough to survive, while counteracting your true desires at the same time. Because, obviously, it's too risky to flee. If you let go of one, what if nothing becomes of the other? Then you'll wonder why you're still hungry, clutching to the familiar. Sometimes, you'll wake up. And each time, you hope you'll stay awake. Until you accidentally fall asleep again... Sometimes you'll make a thousand excuses as to why you can't. Why you can't find love, why you can't pursue your dreams, why you can't find the time...then, while you're surrendered, empty and ready to be filled again you'll hear this strained voice tell you; "Move out of your own way." What they were really trying to say when they were telling you to "let go," was "...kindly unclench your tiny fists that are holding that "thing" that you so want to get rid of, move out of your own way." It isn't that you're "too busy," or that you don't know what to do, it's that you've decided to know the answers before living through the answers, move your stubbornness aside. Then see the result. In fact, don't just move out of your own way... keep moving, in general. Move. Shift. Take steps. Sometimes, you'll be like an elephant who just wants to plant a pretty daisy amidst the rose garden and proceeds to fuck the whole operation up. What are you learning about YOUTH....what do you acknowledge to be true?

Where Am I?

Some days, I wonder where I am too. Daily I say to myself that I should write in my blog and based on the 3/22/12 date of the last time I shared my thoughts, I am failing at doing what I tell myself to do.

School, work, life, more life, more school, more work.

At 38, I surely thoughts my life would be in different places right now. Outside of being in a relationship, I have everything I want. A great career, an education, a home, a brand new car (or a 2011 that is) and all that other jazz but still there seems to be a sense of having it all together that I am missing. I guess we all need some extra glue on our hinges from time to time.

I need a nap, but that seems to be the story of my life. 9 more classes until I have my Masters. I can't believe I convinced myself to go back to school. Maintaining a 4.0 is really harder than I expected it to be. (Hmmm...you don't say?). Sarcasm at its finest.

Hello all. I'm still out here. Alive and kicking.

Opeartion lock myself in my backyard and fix the fence and the yard commences this weekend. Sounds like a blast huh? You know you want to join me. Come on. I will have beer and wine and some food on the grill.

No, you can't buy me a drink

Here's the thing. I don't allow people to buy me drinks. I don't want anyone to buy me drinks. I don't want anyone to buy me anything. I can buy my own stuff. If you remove the ability for someone to buy you something then you remove the chance of someone just having to be themselves.

How about we start with honesty? Then, if you can live up to that, maybe one day you can buy me a drink.