I pride myself on being able to write funny stuff from time to time. Even if that stuff is written in a MySpace bulletin format.
1. What is in the back seat of your car right now? Chain saw, trash bags, rope, shovel, blah blah blah.
2. When was the last time you threw up I don't throw up. You shut up.
3. What's your favorite curse word? Good girls don't curse. Shame on you for thinking so.
4. Name 3 people who made you smile today? Me, Myself and I. HEEEEEEEEEYYYYYYYYYYYY...
5. What were you doing at 8 am this morning? That is an ungodly hour to speak of on a Saturday morning. Especially to those of us that work 2 jobs. Whatever.
6. What were you doing 30 minutes ago? Judging my boss' cartwheel technique.
7. What will you be doing 3 hours from now? Layin it down on the flip side.
8. Have you ever been to a strip club? Yes. It's amazing the skills those girls have. I guarantee they will be the future leaders of America. They hold the true moral values that our country should be founded upon.
9. What is the last thing you said aloud? You're so fine, you blow my mind, how bout I hit it from behind?
10. What is the best ice cream flavor? Bubble gum...u get free gum, c'mon!
11. What was the last thing you had to drink? Not telling. 'Cause you can't have none.
12. What are you wearing right now? White turtle neck, dark green vest, pink camisole, white bra with matching panties (grrr), red leggings, black pants, blue suspenders, black knee high socks, white knee pads, yellow sweatband, purple ring pop, red fruit roll-up earrings (made them myself), aluminum foil grill, neon green scrunchie.
13. What was the last thing you ate? Food. Interesting concept huh?
14. Have you bought any new clothing items this week? Pocket protector. I'm pretty stoked about it.
15. When was the last time you ran? Last week when they had a prostitution ring bust in my neighborhood.
16. What's the last sporting event you watched? Dodgeball.
17. Have you been drinking? No officer. I am am the designated driver.
18. Who is the last person you emailed? Your mom.
19. Ever go camping? Around here, we call it livin.
20. Do you have a tan? Why's it always gotta be a tan thing?
21. Are you mad? Like Britney Spears mad?
22. What kind of car do you drive? Whatever kind the John that pays the most is driving.
23. What is today? It's ummmm...wait...what? Ummm...where am I?
24. Do you drink your soda from a straw? If I'm at a fancy sit-down restaurant. But that's only once every couple of years or so....
25. What did your last IM say? The body is buried in the backyard, if you talk, I kill you.
26. Are you someone's best friend? Hellz yeah I am. The Johns lost to tell me whatever I want them to.
27. What are you doing tomorrow? Even street walkers have to rest.
28. Where is your mom right now? Wouldn't you like to know.
29. Look to your left, what do you see? The street sign. Sooo exciting! Take it off!
30. What color is your watch? Don't got no watch. I'm a rebel.
31. What do you think of when you think of Australia ? My Aunt, Uncle and cousins cookin somethin on the bar-bie!
32. Would you consider plastic surgery? Sometimes I think about it and I'm like, "well maybe just a little here or there" then I see someone later in life who had it done years ago and they look disgusting and I realize that I'd rather just diet and work out really hard and make good with what I got. Nothin a little tissue can't fix.
33. What is your birthstone? Skulls and Crossbones
34. Do you go in at a fast food place or just hit thedrive thru? Drive thru so I can peg the cashier woman in the head with a penny.
35.How many kids do you want? Can my man count as all that I want?
36. Do you have a dog? Yes. And she can kick your dogs butt.
37. Last person you talked to on the phone? My pimp.
38. Have you met anyone famous? I am famous....for being amazing. What what.
39. Any plans today? Just filling this out and then skidaddling to bed. (I know you love that I brought out the skiddaddle, really, how long has it been since you've heard that one?).
40. How many states have you lived in? Notchyos.
41. Ever go to college? School of the hard knocks NOVA DAME. Oh and an accredited one too.
42. Where are you right now? Hello. Obvious. Like...duh.
43. Biggest annoyance in your life right now? Lack of sleepizzle fo shizzle.
44. Last song listened to? If you stand on it...we stand behinnnnnnnnd it!
45. Where were you 6 hours ago? I have an alibi, I swear.
46. Are you allergic to anything? Dumb drunk men at the bar. Ick...
47. Favorite pair of shoes you wear all the time? My bo bos. Walmart special yo.
48. Are you jealous of anyone? Nah brah.
49. Are you in love? How much are you paying?
50. Is anyone jealous of you? Probably, there are many haters out there.
51. What time is it? You tell me. I ain't got not watch, remember?
*52. Do any of your friends have children? Yes, but we don't talk about their boyfriends like that.
53. Do you eat healthy? Define healthy.
54. What do you usually do during the day? Square dance, play jenga, and do a little break dancing.
55. Do you hate anyone right now? No...got only love for yas.
56. Do you use the word 'hello' daily? And howdy...can't forget howdy.
57. Ever been in the military? My DD-214 says I was.
58. How old will you be turning on your next birthday? How old are you looking for?
59. Have you ever been to Six Flags? Nah, I just ride real fast around corners through Northeast DC. Same thing. Ghetto rollerocaster.
Sunday, February 17, 2008
Monday, February 4, 2008
I'm A Giant
GO GIANTS! I am so freaking happy. I ran around screaming so much that my throat hurts this morning. I am exhausted and slightly hungover sitting at my desk, but it was worth it. I the G-Men. I love that Tom Brady ate grass many times last night. WE ARE THE CHAMPIONS!
Tuesday, January 29, 2008
NO NO NO
AND I QUOTE: "...Hillary Clinton has always been a strong woman and a passionate protector of families. For 35 years, that’s exactly what she has been doing."
Even worse than the quote is who said it. Maya Angelou. Seriously. I am losing all kinds of respect for so many people who I once thought had a brain in their head. "...a passionate proctector of families." REALLY? Hmm...let me see. Hey little girls out there. It's okay to grow up and get married and allow your husband to get his dick sucked by some other woman and have sex with her too because that's the way men should treat women. Now go and elect me as leader of the free world because I have family values. Can't you tell?
Give me an effing break. Hillary is worthless. Always has been and always will be. I hate Bill Clinton too. Always have and always will. I would rather vote for Mickey Mouse than to vote for her.
Even worse than the quote is who said it. Maya Angelou. Seriously. I am losing all kinds of respect for so many people who I once thought had a brain in their head. "...a passionate proctector of families." REALLY? Hmm...let me see. Hey little girls out there. It's okay to grow up and get married and allow your husband to get his dick sucked by some other woman and have sex with her too because that's the way men should treat women. Now go and elect me as leader of the free world because I have family values. Can't you tell?
Give me an effing break. Hillary is worthless. Always has been and always will be. I hate Bill Clinton too. Always have and always will. I would rather vote for Mickey Mouse than to vote for her.
Thursday, January 24, 2008
A Grammar Smackdown
Todays grammar lesson is about the use of i.e and e.g: When you mean "for example," use e.g. It is an abbreviation for the Latin phrase exempli gratia. When you mean "that is," use "i.e." It is an abbreviation for the Latin phrase id est. Either can be used to clarify a preceding statement, the first by example, the second by restating the idea more clearly or expanding upon it. Because these uses are so similar, the two abbreviations are easily confused. If you just stick with good old English "for example" and "that is" you won't give anyone a chance to sneer at you. If you insist on using the abbreviation, perhaps "example given" will remind you to use "e.g.," while "in effect" suggests "I.E."
Friday, January 11, 2008
Full Of...
Facts
For those of you that have ever been to a WaWa convenience store: Did you know that: The word is a Lenni Lenape Indian word for the Canada Goose that was found in the Delaware Valley, that's why they use the goose on Wawa's corporate logo.
For those poker players like me: Each of the suits on a deck of cards represents the four major pillars of the economy in the middle ages: heart represented the Church, spades represented the military, clubs represented agriculture, and diamonds represented the merchant class.
Because I LOVE lobster: 1 in 5,000 north Atlantic lobsters are born bright blue.
For those of you that forget stuff: The word "lethologica" describes the state of not being able to remember the word you want.
For you musicians (such as myself): American car horns beep in the tone of F.
I found the old woman in the shoe: The largest number of children born to one woman is recorded at 69. From 1725-1765, a Russian peasant woman gave birth to 16 sets of twins, 7 sets of triplets, and 4 sets of quadruplets.
Because I am from Florida and I love to bash peoples ideas of hearing the ocean in their shells: The roar that we hear when we place a seashell next to our ear is not the ocean, but rather the sound of blood surging through the veins in the ear. Any cup-shaped object placed over the ear produces the same effect.
Just because I think this is funny: Dueling is legal in Paraguay as long as both parties are registered blood donors.
For all of you Atheists, no more Goodbye for you: "Goodbye" came from "God bye" which came from "God be with you."
This made me say "no way": Did you know that ants never sleep?
For you stamp lickers out there: You consume 1/10 of a calorie every time you lick a stamp.
Next time you yell at a fly know this: Flies are deaf.
Maybe this is why Patrick from Spongebob is so stupid: Starfish do not have brains.
Look smart the next time you are someplace with a "your are here arrow: The 'you are here arrow' on a map is called the IDEO locater.
So,they do know how to play nice...: No President of the United States was an only child.
Poor things: A dragonfly has a lifespan of 24 hours. (I think it's because they fly at high speeds): The dragonfly is the fastest flying insect at 55-60mph.
Damn chickens: There are more chickens than people in the world.
And yet there are still so many animals: More than 100 million people hold hunting licences.
YAY he has his own day: Today is designated Winnie the Pooh Day.
For all of you pot smokers and movie watchers: All of the clocks in the movie "Pulp Fiction" are stuck on 4:20.
A little Sesame Street knowledge: The characters "Bert" and "Ernie" on Sesame Street were named after "Bert the cop" and "Ernie the taxi driver" in Frank Capra's "It's a Wonderful Life.
Someone do this for me please: If you keep a goldfish in the dark room, it will eventually turn white.
NO WAY: More than 50% of the people in the world have never made or received a telephone call.
WOOHOO!!!! It is estimated that at any one time, 0.7% of the world's population are drunk.
Your music lesson for the day: Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star and the alphabet song have the same tune. ***I know you just sang them***
For those of you that have ever been to a WaWa convenience store: Did you know that: The word is a Lenni Lenape Indian word for the Canada Goose that was found in the Delaware Valley, that's why they use the goose on Wawa's corporate logo.
For those poker players like me: Each of the suits on a deck of cards represents the four major pillars of the economy in the middle ages: heart represented the Church, spades represented the military, clubs represented agriculture, and diamonds represented the merchant class.
Because I LOVE lobster: 1 in 5,000 north Atlantic lobsters are born bright blue.
For those of you that forget stuff: The word "lethologica" describes the state of not being able to remember the word you want.
For you musicians (such as myself): American car horns beep in the tone of F.
I found the old woman in the shoe: The largest number of children born to one woman is recorded at 69. From 1725-1765, a Russian peasant woman gave birth to 16 sets of twins, 7 sets of triplets, and 4 sets of quadruplets.
Because I am from Florida and I love to bash peoples ideas of hearing the ocean in their shells: The roar that we hear when we place a seashell next to our ear is not the ocean, but rather the sound of blood surging through the veins in the ear. Any cup-shaped object placed over the ear produces the same effect.
Just because I think this is funny: Dueling is legal in Paraguay as long as both parties are registered blood donors.
For all of you Atheists, no more Goodbye for you: "Goodbye" came from "God bye" which came from "God be with you."
This made me say "no way": Did you know that ants never sleep?
For you stamp lickers out there: You consume 1/10 of a calorie every time you lick a stamp.
Next time you yell at a fly know this: Flies are deaf.
Maybe this is why Patrick from Spongebob is so stupid: Starfish do not have brains.
Look smart the next time you are someplace with a "your are here arrow: The 'you are here arrow' on a map is called the IDEO locater.
So,they do know how to play nice...: No President of the United States was an only child.
Poor things: A dragonfly has a lifespan of 24 hours. (I think it's because they fly at high speeds): The dragonfly is the fastest flying insect at 55-60mph.
Damn chickens: There are more chickens than people in the world.
And yet there are still so many animals: More than 100 million people hold hunting licences.
YAY he has his own day: Today is designated Winnie the Pooh Day.
For all of you pot smokers and movie watchers: All of the clocks in the movie "Pulp Fiction" are stuck on 4:20.
A little Sesame Street knowledge: The characters "Bert" and "Ernie" on Sesame Street were named after "Bert the cop" and "Ernie the taxi driver" in Frank Capra's "It's a Wonderful Life.
Someone do this for me please: If you keep a goldfish in the dark room, it will eventually turn white.
NO WAY: More than 50% of the people in the world have never made or received a telephone call.
WOOHOO!!!! It is estimated that at any one time, 0.7% of the world's population are drunk.
Your music lesson for the day: Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star and the alphabet song have the same tune. ***I know you just sang them***
Thursday, December 27, 2007
Danny Boy
Danny, I never had the privilege of meeting you. It seems that every time E and I were home you were unreachable. Too cool to hang out with us. Haha! (as if).
Anyway, I know that you and E grew up together in that one horse town. Your school is still Pre-K through 12. Oh the terrorizing you (and your brothers) and E brought upon that place. Your parents and E's parents have lived next door to each other for all of your lives. I know that E does not have a single memory growing up that does not involve you and your brothers. Losing you broke his heart. And for that, my heart breaks too.
I cannot imagine how your family feels right now. You lost your life doing something that you love. You tried to hang on a day longer but the damage was done. May your family stay strong and be able to one day celebrate Christmas and New Years again without dreading life for an entire week. Thank you for being such a great friend to E all of these years. He loved you like a brother and will miss you always.
Rest In Peace Danny.
Anyway, I know that you and E grew up together in that one horse town. Your school is still Pre-K through 12. Oh the terrorizing you (and your brothers) and E brought upon that place. Your parents and E's parents have lived next door to each other for all of your lives. I know that E does not have a single memory growing up that does not involve you and your brothers. Losing you broke his heart. And for that, my heart breaks too.
I cannot imagine how your family feels right now. You lost your life doing something that you love. You tried to hang on a day longer but the damage was done. May your family stay strong and be able to one day celebrate Christmas and New Years again without dreading life for an entire week. Thank you for being such a great friend to E all of these years. He loved you like a brother and will miss you always.
Rest In Peace Danny.
Tuesday, December 18, 2007
Welcome Peter
Two things I spend money on.
My hair and my nails. I have to.
Growing up such a freaking tom girl made me hate girly things. Even though I still wore dresses and all that jazz.
Now, as a professional woman, I look the girly part. Hair done, nails done, nice clothes etc etc. Be careful though, there is a mean and hateful tom girl in there.
Anyway...not the point of my entry. Since my nails were looking atrocious I took an extra bit of time at lunch (yes I used leave) to go get my nails done. I zipped over to T Nails in the plaza next door. My usual guy had a customer. So, I just took whoever was next.
This is where Peter enters the story. (enter stage right). I noticed as I sat down that Peter is a little older than most nail technicians. I didn't think anything of it and sat down ready to get beautified. I spoke to Peter a few times and he didn't respond. I thought "hmmm...maybe he is just really into his job." I didn't want to be racial in anyway and assume that he did not speak English. However, a few minutes later he said to me "I don't speak English." I responded with "well that was English and it was pretty good." He just looked at me blankly.
Now what? Let me just interrupt my own story here to say (or write) that Peter did an AMAZING job on my nails. I mean, the best nail job EVER. Seriously. Perfect length, color, shape, everything.
Okay...moving on. As he is polishing my nails Peter says "Your name?" Of course, I told him. Then I asked him his. "Peter" was his response. I took a moment to ask myself, "I wonder what his name really?"
My regular nail tech was sitting a nail station away and I asked him if Peter understands more English than he speaks. He said not really. Peter has only been in the US for 3 weeks. He said he is having a very rough time as the US is very scary to him. But that Peter loves that after so many years living in Vietnam that he is now free. Statements like that make me heart swell and bring a tear to my eye.
I took Peters arm and looked at him and said "Welcome to America Peter." He must have understood what I said because he replied with a "Thank you" as his eyes filled with tears.
My hair and my nails. I have to.
Growing up such a freaking tom girl made me hate girly things. Even though I still wore dresses and all that jazz.
Now, as a professional woman, I look the girly part. Hair done, nails done, nice clothes etc etc. Be careful though, there is a mean and hateful tom girl in there.
Anyway...not the point of my entry. Since my nails were looking atrocious I took an extra bit of time at lunch (yes I used leave) to go get my nails done. I zipped over to T Nails in the plaza next door. My usual guy had a customer. So, I just took whoever was next.
This is where Peter enters the story. (enter stage right). I noticed as I sat down that Peter is a little older than most nail technicians. I didn't think anything of it and sat down ready to get beautified. I spoke to Peter a few times and he didn't respond. I thought "hmmm...maybe he is just really into his job." I didn't want to be racial in anyway and assume that he did not speak English. However, a few minutes later he said to me "I don't speak English." I responded with "well that was English and it was pretty good." He just looked at me blankly.
Now what? Let me just interrupt my own story here to say (or write) that Peter did an AMAZING job on my nails. I mean, the best nail job EVER. Seriously. Perfect length, color, shape, everything.
Okay...moving on. As he is polishing my nails Peter says "Your name?" Of course, I told him. Then I asked him his. "Peter" was his response. I took a moment to ask myself, "I wonder what his name really?"
My regular nail tech was sitting a nail station away and I asked him if Peter understands more English than he speaks. He said not really. Peter has only been in the US for 3 weeks. He said he is having a very rough time as the US is very scary to him. But that Peter loves that after so many years living in Vietnam that he is now free. Statements like that make me heart swell and bring a tear to my eye.
I took Peters arm and looked at him and said "Welcome to America Peter." He must have understood what I said because he replied with a "Thank you" as his eyes filled with tears.
Tuesday, November 27, 2007
I Hate Silver Mustangs
Because I hate you.
Years later, I still hate you.
I know hate is a strong word. Who cares?
I would rather hate you than to think about how you tried to destroy my soul.
And stole a year and a half of my life.
Hating you takes less energy.
Seeing Silver Mustangs makes me want to scream out in rage.
Coward.
Heartless bastard.
Manipulative sociopath.
Cheating, lying, filthy scum.
I will never forget.
Thank God that you are no longer in my life.
If only you would have never been there in the first place.
Then I would not hate Silver Mustangs.
Years later, I still hate you.
I know hate is a strong word. Who cares?
I would rather hate you than to think about how you tried to destroy my soul.
And stole a year and a half of my life.
Hating you takes less energy.
Seeing Silver Mustangs makes me want to scream out in rage.
Coward.
Heartless bastard.
Manipulative sociopath.
Cheating, lying, filthy scum.
I will never forget.
Thank God that you are no longer in my life.
If only you would have never been there in the first place.
Then I would not hate Silver Mustangs.
Sunday, November 4, 2007
Growing up or Giving up?
I don't hope like I used to
I don't dream like I once did
I don't believe in hardly anything
Trust is not in my vocabulary
Love is only for fairy tales
Happiness is overrated
Loneliness is sometimes comforting
Independence is my foundation
Anger is my emotion
Frustration is my pain
I don't dream like I once did
I don't believe in hardly anything
Trust is not in my vocabulary
Love is only for fairy tales
Happiness is overrated
Loneliness is sometimes comforting
Independence is my foundation
Anger is my emotion
Frustration is my pain
Friday, November 2, 2007
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