Fridays are for feelings...

The universe always has an interesting way of reminding me of who I am when I have somewhat lost my way.

When you start a new relationship, all of the ego based emotions, all of the walls you've built as a means for protection, all of the new insecurities, and barriers, seem to grow 3 inches thicker. Not only is the other person unknowingly trying to break down walls they don't even know are there, but you find yourself trying to break those walls down too, some days to no avail.

I thrive on being a planner, and I seriously feel that I never have enough. But I didn't plan on being single at 37. Yet another failed marriage. I didn't plan on meeting someone new even after being single became my new plan. I didn't plan on it being a long distance relationship that will test me in every way it can. I didn't plan on this. I had rules that I set for myself. And I broke them all.

I've learned that I set the expectations of people too high. I get caught up in the things that they do so much, that when they don't do them, I feel like they have let me down. I've been told before that I often times make people feel like they can't do anything right because when they do something wrong I let them know in a way that makes them feel disappointed in themselves. The issue is, I love with 110% and I do everything I can to let the people I love know it. I want them to know that I appreciate them and care about them and love them and need them and want them. I get all giddy when I get an email or a card in the mail or a phone call. But what happens is, I start to expect those things. And I start to make them part of my PLAN. And when I don't get the daily email or the phone call, I in a sense retreat. When someone tells me they are going to do something I expect them to do it. And when they don't, to me, it's a direct reflection on how they feel about me. I know, I just wrote about this the other day in another blog post entitled Wait What Did You Say. At the end of that post I wrote "Then I won't be disappointed when they don’t do what they say. I understand that we all have our own internal conflicts about what we say we want and what we are actually capable of doing. Maybe truly trusting someone, is understanding why they act the way they do." Here's the problem with that, once you start expecting less, you start to feel like you are receiving less. And when you feel like someone is giving you less than you deserve you start to not even want the little bit they are giving you.

Here's the thing. Once you have been hurt for the last time, you tend to freak out. A LOT. Sure, most of the time it's internally, but you still freak out. You always think the worst. Because too many times in the past, you thought the best and you were sadly, sadly mistaken and devastated. The truth of the matter is, there are some holes and tears, in my heart that are still mending- or a need to be replaced.

I'm always dreaming up the next move. But what I need to do is just allow "the process". I see what love is and I know that I can have it and I know I'm fully capable of giving it in return.

I'm in the process. I cannot fight it. So, I'm putting down the gloves for a second and I'm just going to let it be. I'm going to let myself sit in the "panic" for a moment and rather than flipping out, which tends to be my initial reaction, (sorry baby...I know you are reading this), I think that I'm going to roll with this. Yes, I am uncomfortable, and unsure of where this is all leading, I don't see the perfect plan, the perfect step, the booming voice of guidance isn't calling my name, and for once. It's okay.