Wait...what did you say?

Trust
–noun
1. reliance on the integrity, strength, ability, surety, etc., of a person or thing; confidence.
2. confident expectation of something; hope.

Maya Angelou said, “When people show you who they are the first time, believe them.”

Have you ever been completely in love? You know, where you TRUST someone completely? Or 99.9% as I like to say? Sometimes, it feels like you just ran on to I-95 North or South in the Northern Virginia/DC/MD area, hoping you won't get hit. Or maybe traffic will be at a standstill and and if some car does bump you, you will only get a small bruise and you will still be able to stumble off to the side of the road to treat your wounds. Trusting can feel like walking on a tight rope with no net below to catch you if you fall.

Even though you might have fallen off of that tight rope a time or two, and you know how bad the pain is, you still climb back up that ladder and get back on that rope and put one foot in front of the other and start walking again repeating affirmations such as "I will not fall", "I will not look down", "I will reach the other side." (run on sentence much?)

Anyway. Trusting someone means that you learn to know them through their words. In the beginning stages of a relationship, all you have to judge your level of trust on is words that they give you. You find yourself on a rollercoaster ride where you are reaching for one of those locking bars to hold you in and you are wondering what will happen if the ride gets stuck at the top? Will anyone hear you screaming?

Sometimes relationships start off with the intention of never becoming a relationship and people aren't necessarily the most truthful. On a rare occassion, you find that the make believe turns into a fairytale and you are left standing their questioning everything. "Wait, what did you say?"
Things that you didn't really know were untruthful at the time you were told them and believed them tend to have a way of rearing their ugly heads. Then doubt creeps in to every crevice of your mind and makes you feel like you want to just jump off of the tightrope even though you know there isn't a net? You make excuses for why you should stay on the rope. "I will not quit. Just a little more time and I will get my balance. I will make it to the other side damn it. I WILL not fall off again."

The only things you can know of a person for sure (or 99.9%) is what you see, what you feel and what you experience (if you have your eyes open and aren't closing them that is). What you don't know are the things you don't see or feel or experience.

In my experience, what people say and do are generally two different things. Not necessarily because they are trying to lie but because at the time the statement was made, it was the truth. We all have our own set of fears and patterns that affect how we interact with people. In every hurtful situation where my trust has been breached, people have responded from their own unique set of fears. Because I wanted to trust and believe them, I ignored the truth to keep seeking love.

Maybe I should stop looking at people as to whether or not they can be trusted. Then I won't be disappointed when they don’t do what they say. I understand that we all have our own internal conflicts about what we say we want and what we are actually capable of doing. Maybe truly trusting someone, is understanding why they act the way they do.