My photo
Some Say It's For Lovers, United States

Friday, December 30, 2011

What It Brought

I've done a lot of complaining about 2011 lately, but in true me style, I took a moment to stop and smell the roses and even though it was a brief moment, I want to write about the good things that 2011 brought me.

I stepped up my golf game. I'm still working on it, but it's better.
I lost those 20 pounds that were making me feel like a beached whale.
I got a promotion at work.
I survived my car accident. It wasn't bad but still, it could have been.
I bought a new car. Which I LOVE.
I went to California again, which oddly enough was on my 2011 to do list.
I left the country for the first time.
I spent a day in London alone.
I spend days in Jordan and learning so many new things.
I made new friends.
I became closer to God, then moved away again and then moved closer again.
I fell in love. I don't have much else to say about that, other than I am trying to recover from not being able to be with the one that I love.
I learned what it feels like to be looked at by a man like nothing else exists.
I remembered what it's like to feel beautiful.
I started my Masters Degree.
I made an A in my first class.
I stood by my best friend as she married an amazing man. Truly maybe one of the only few good ones left.
I saw my friend who had given up on love and happiness, find someone and get married.
I saw a few good friends survive cancer. :)

Yes, there were bad times in 2011, may my dear sweet Grandmother, my hero, rest in peace, but at the end of the day, my trials and tribulations are what makes me stronger.

I still feel a little run down and a little off my game. My heart still aches and wishes for a different time and place. But I am healthy, I am successful, I am loved (even if it's not by a man), I have my family and friends, a home, a career, food on my table, clothes on my back, running water, electricity and the bare essentials of life that so many take for granted.

2011 brought new beginnings, sad endings and hopeful tomorrows.

I hope 2012 will do the same. I know it can't be all butterflies and rainbows but as long as the good and the bad balance each other out, that is all I can ask for. Anything more will be just more blessings to count.

Happy New Year!

Saturday, December 24, 2011


Can this holiday season go away. I certainly hope 2012 has something more in store than 2011 did. I was so hopeful. Now I just feel hopeless.

Friday, December 23, 2011

Errrr and Stuff

So my friend Hutch wrote this on his FB today. Hutch very rarely says anything motivating when it comes to the MC, but deep down we all know that he is proud of his uniform. This is some motivating shit right here. Or it was to me anyway. I thought I would share.

I've seen these posts about what color your cammies are and what you want to be called. FUCK ALL THAT. I am Marine and I know some Soldiers, Sailors, and Airmen that are real damn good at what they do and they have my respect for that. People will say Marines are being cocky and conceited by posting that, while I dont think it's necessary to post I do see the point. The Marine Corps is and has been the only Branch of service that has had to fight to continue its existence in this country. If you look at the history of the Marine Corps there have been multiple attempts to disband or absorb the Marine Corps by leaders of the other branches. But, at the end of the day, the citizens that we fight to protect and the leaders elected by those citizens, have made sure that the Marine Corps stayed intact. So, at the end of the day, don't call me a Soldier, Sailor, or Airmen, not because it's insulting, but because I'm not one. I'm a United States Marine, born on yellow foot prints and trained on a depot. And calling me anything other than, is disrespectful to the history and legacy of the branch I've chosen to serve. Also don't call me Devil Dog if you're not one.


Thursday, December 22, 2011

Bah Humbug

I'm just saying. BAH FREAKING HUMBUG. I have NO, I repeat NO Christmas spirit. Booo...hiss...

I love Christmas too. LOVE IT. I want egg nog and a train around the tree and waking up on Christmas morning excited to see the look on the face of the person I love as they open my surprise gift. Something like that.

Oh wait...let me wake up.

Hi reality.

Thursday, December 15, 2011

Where is my tent?

If Congress shuts down the US Government, just before Christmas, I will finally join Occupy DC in their protests and hunger strikes. Mainly because I'll need a place to live and won't be able to afford food.

Thursday, December 8, 2011

Thought Provoking Thursday

Above all, be true to yourself, and if you cannot put your heart in it, take yourself out of it.--Hardy D. Jackson

Trying to forget someone you love is like trying to remember someone you never knew. Ever wonder why I don't talk to you anymore? It's not that I don't want to, it's just that everything I want to say I can't tell you anymore. Silence speaks volumes. You should listen.

Have you ever realized that when people say you’ve changed it’s because you’ve stopped living life their way? NO, it's because I've finally found myself.

Most people don't know who they are. That's why they lie. They're afraid someone else will figure it out before they do

Here's the things. I damn sure am not always as confident as I seem. I have learned to put on a brave face and smile my way through even the worst of pain. I live a social life that sends me home at night feeling even more alone than I thought I was when the day started. There are many days and even more nights when the only thing I want more than breath is to be held. I will admit it, I want to be someone`s last call of the night, and their first thought in the morning. I want those 5 hour conversations that end in "no,you hang up first." I want the heart racing, palm sweaty, "what`s going to happen next" moments. I want the hugs that you never let go of and the stolen kisses that are always the sweetest. But most importantly, I just want to know someone considers me THEIRS. That girl you see that everyone "knows", that's not the real me. That's the girl trying to find something that just doesn't seem to be there. I have this great life, but no one to share it with. There is an empty other half of the bed. A seat at the table where no one is sitting. Even worse, my heart wants it to be someone that it can't be, so where do you go from there?

I used to wear my heart on my sleeve, but too many people mistook that for me being naive. I have been completely broken before, it's something that you have to force yourself to come back from. It will rip your soul out and eat it for breakfast. But I will never apologize for saying what I feel. That's like saying sorry for being real. <---oooo it rhymes.

Tuesday, December 6, 2011

Tell Me About It Tuesday

My pen is the barrel of a gun. Remind me which side you should be on.

Just a list of great quotes. Starting with one of my favorites and just randomly going on from there.

‎"No man, for any considerable period can wear one face to himself and another to the multitude without finally getting bewildered as to which may be the true." Nathaniel Hawthrone

I will gladly stand at the bottom of the mountain with someone that never gives up than at the top with someone who will never appreciate the view.

A person who truly loves you, will never let you go and will never give up, no matter how hard the situation is.

‎"When so many are lonely as seem to be lonely it would be inexcusably selfish to be lonely alone." Tennesse Williams

‎"Every normal man must be tempted at times to spit upon his hands, hoist the black flag, and begin slitting throats." H.L. Mencken

‎"Who knows what true happiness is? Not the conventional word, but the naked terror. To the lonely themselves, it wears a mask. The most miserable outcast hugs some memory. Or some illusion." Joseph Conrad

Tragedies happen. What are you gonna do, give up? Quit? No, I realize now that when your heart breaks, you've got to fight like hell to make sure you're still alive. Because you are. And that pain you feel? That's life. The confusion and fear? That's there to remind you, that somewhere out there is something better, and that something is worth fighting for.

‎"There is no privacy that cannot be penetrated. No secret can be kept in the civilized world. Society is a masked ball where everyone hides his real character, then reveals it by hiding." Ralph Waldo Emerson

Out of the night that covers me,
Black as the Pit from pole to pole,
I thank whatever gods may be
For my unconquerable soul.
In the fell clutch of circumstance
... I have not winced nor cried aloud.
Under the bludgeoning of chance
My head is bloody, but unbowed.
Beyond this place of wrath and tears
Looms but the Horror of the shade,
And yet the menace of the years
Finds, and shall find me, unafraid.
It matters not how strait the gate,
How charged with punishments the scroll
I am the master of my fate:
I am the captain of my soul.
- Invictus, William Ernest Henley

‎"The heart has reasons that reason cannot know." Blaise Pascal

‎"You cannot run away from a weakness; you must sometimes fight it out or perish. And if that be so, why not now, and where you stand?" Robert Louis Stevenson

"Do not look back and grieve over the past, for it is gone. And do not trouble about the future for it is yet to come. Live in the present and make it so beautiful, that it will be worth remembering." Scott Taylor Idus

Every once in a while people step up, they rise above themselves. Sometimes they surprise you, and sometimes they fall short. Life is funny sometimes, it can push pretty hard, but if you look close enough you find hope in the bars of a song and in the eyes of someone you love. And if you're the luckiest person on this entire planet, the person you love decides to love you back.

Thursday, December 1, 2011

In Terms of Love

I realize that the picture and the following words contradict each other a bit but today, the picture is how I feel.

Kahlil Gibran on Love

When love beckons to you, follow him,
Though his ways are hard and steep.
And when his wings enfold you yield to him,
Though the sword hidden among his pinions may wound you.
And when he speaks to you believe in him,
Though his voice may shatter your dreams
as the north wind lays waste the garden.

For even as love crowns you so shall he crucify you. Even as he is for your growth so is he for your pruning.
Even as he ascends to your height and caresses your tenderest branches that quiver in the sun,
So shall he descend to your roots and shake them in their clinging to the earth.

All these things shall love do unto you that you may know the secrets of your heart, and in that knowledge become a fragment of Life's heart.

But if in your fear you would seek only love's peace and love's pleasure,
Then it is better for you that you cover your nakedness and pass out of love's threshing-floor,
Into the seasonless world where you shall laugh, but not all of your laughter, and weep, but not all of your tears.
Love gives naught but itself and takes naught but from itself.
Love possesses not nor would it be possessed;
For love is sufficient unto love.

Think not that you can direct the course of love, for love, if it finds you worthy, directs your course.

Love has no other desire but to fulfill itself.
But if you love and must needs have desires, let these be your desires:
To melt and be like a running brook that sings its melody to the night.
To know the pain of too much tenderness.
To be wounded by your own understanding of love;
And to bleed willingly and joyfully.
To wake at dawn with a winged heart and give thanks for another day of loving;
To rest at the noon hour and meditate love's ecstasy;
To return home at eventide with gratitude;
And then to sleep with a prayer for the beloved in your heart and a song of praise upon your lips.

Wednesday, November 30, 2011

Thanks For Calling

Thanks For Calling

You said you thought of me the other day.
It was nice to know
I had somehow found my way into your thoughts.
Not a day goes by that I don’t think of you;
Never a sun has set that I haven’t longed for you.

You miss me, you said.
I have learned to live with missing you.
It’s not so hard.
All I have to do is live:
Close my mind,
And walk and talk,
But, never feel . . .

In other words, I miss you, too.

I make it through with the hope
That only time stands between us,
And each day will bring you closer.
But, I grow impatient.
Why can’t it be tomorrow?

What is this strange enchantment that is cast upon our fate?
Never really together,
Yet, we’ve never really said goodbye.
I just loiter in your memory,
And you linger in my heart,
While each passing day reminds me
That our lives are miles apart.

Don’t you see?
You are my hopes, my thoughts, my dreams.
But, it was nice to hear you say
You thought of me the other day.

. . . NancySue Krenrich Hamm

Monday, November 21, 2011

Bye Bye 2011

I will not be sad to see 2011 go away. This year has sucked monumentally.

I ended last year heartbroken and it looks like I will do the same this year. From car accidents, to speeding tickets, to inuries, to financial disasters, to the loss of my Grandmother and Kate, it's almost more than one girl can take. I don't want to end this year sad. I want to be happy at Christmas and happy at the New Year. Aside from my aching heart, I will do my best to make it happy.

For all of my complaining though, let me just say that there were good things that happened in 2011.

I met an amazing person.
I traveled out of the US for the first time.
I spent Easter Sunday at the site where Jesus was baptized.
I started my Masters Degree.
I bought a new car.
I lost 28 pounds.
I got promoted at work.
I got divorced.

And a few others things that are escaping my thoughts right now.

I guess I will just take the good with the bad and say goodbye to 2011 and get ready for 2012 and what it has in store for me.

Monday, November 14, 2011

Sign On The Door

I'm a big Edwin McCain fan. There is one of his songs that always seems to get to me and right now, more than ever.

"Sign On The Door"

Wendy's sittin' next to me
She's trying hard to drink it away
And I feel the rumble of the subway
Beneath the stage
And her eyes are screaming
And her lips are pursed
And this ain't her first heartache
But it feels like, it feels like the worst
And she says
Can someone tell me how this can happen
And I guess that God only knows
My heart used to be
The sweet shop of love
But now the sign on the door
It says sorry we're closed
And I hear myself tell her
Some old words I know they won't help
And then I feel guilty
'Cause I closed some sweet shops myself
And we all talk about timing
And lifestyles and such
But to a heart that's been shattered
Those words don't mean that much
And all of our pining
It just goes to show
Don't you enter a shop
With the sign on the door
Saying sorry we're closed
And she's been through all the pain
That one can endure
And her new man thinks she loves him
But he can't be sure
And his heart pines for Wendy
She says that's how it goes
How am I supposed to know
He can't read the sign saying
Sorry we're closed
Yeah we're closed
And she says
Can someone tell me how this can happen
And I guess that God only knows
My heart used to be
The sweet shop of love
But there's a sign on the door
There's a sign on the door [3x]
One more sign...

Wednesday, November 9, 2011


Wait what? Yippee is NOT how I am feeling. But hey, you know those people that say their daily mantras? You know, the ones that leave little post its all over that say "you can do this", "today is your day" well the Yippee is my mantra.

Just say it. It's hard not to picture yourself or someone else jumping up and clicking their feet together with their hands stretched out on the air screaming "Yippee" at the top of their lungs like they just got some great news.

So for today, I say YIPPEE. Tomorrow I am going to have to come up with something else clever.

Sunday, November 6, 2011

At a loss

At a loss for words.
Dismissed without a thought.

Sometimes there just aren't words to explain a hurt.
Thoughts stumble around in my mind.
Unable to form a sentence.
What do you say when someone says goodbye but you never hear the word?

Friday, November 4, 2011

Monday, October 31, 2011

You Had The Time Of Your Life

Kate, I'm sitting here trying to think of something to write. It's hard to believe that you are gone. You missed your 32nd birthday yesterday woman. How dare you sneak out on such a great event? And Halloween. My how you loved to dress up.

To think that you just laid down on the couch to get some rest and never woke up just doesn't make sense. BUT knowing that you didn't suffer brings a small comfort.

My heart is breaking knowing that M was only 7 days old (she's a whopping 11 days old now). That precious baby will never know the vibrant amazing woman you were. Your other girls are such beautiful little represenatations of you. May God bless and keep Tommy and your children in his arms.

We miss you. Thank you for making all of our lives better in some way.

Monday, October 24, 2011

My Tree

You can't be in a constant state of want, or you will never actually have anything. If you are always wanting something, you tend to forget what it is you actually want.

It's like climbing out on a tree branch on the top of the tree. You want to be on top so bad that you have climbed so far away from the root of the tree that you forget where you came from and how to get back.

Like a ballet dancer, has to go back to the bar and find her steps. A vocalist has to go back to the basics to find her tone. I must go back to the root of my tree. I must water my soil so that my tree can grow and stop being concerned about my withering leaves.

E. Holmes said "You can attract only that which you mentally become and feel yourself to be in reality."

Monday, October 17, 2011

Feeling The Music

I'm not an X Factor watcher but lately there has been a little hype about some auditions.

Sometimes you can't help but to feel the music.

Friday, October 14, 2011

It Does Exist

True love isn't a unicorn. Not a mythical creature.

Two of my favorite people from high school married each other. Sure, in high school they were always friends and different from each other, but it makes my heart smile to see them together. It took them a year or so after high school to start dating and then another two years to get married but hey, they did it. This is what I saw on her Facebook a few minutes ago.

S: Sixteen years ago today I walked down the aisle to marry the best man in the world! I was so happy about it I laughed through the whole ceremony! I'm still laughing and loving him as much today as I was then! Happy Anniversary J! I love you more!

J: If I had the chance to go it again, I would. There's not a nerdier hot girl I know. You are the total package! Top, BOOM! Bottom, BAM! Brains, KAPOW! KNOCK-OUT!! You're my Medusa...think about it...I LOVE YOU FOOL!!

YAY for the Unicorn.

Thursday, October 13, 2011

A Dream Within A Dream

A Dream Within A Dream

Take this kiss upon the brow!
And, in parting from you now,
Thus much let me avow-
You are not wrong, who deem
That my days have been a dream;
Yet if hope has flown away
In a night, or in a day,
In a vision, or in none,
Is it therefore the less gone?
All that we see or seem
Is but a dream within a dream.

I stand amid the roar
Of a surf-tormented shore,
And I hold within my hand
Grains of the golden sand-
How few! yet how they creep
Through my fingers to the deep,
While I weep- while I weep!
O God! can I not grasp
Them with a tighter clasp?
O God! can I not save
One from the pitiless wave?
Is all that we see or seem
But a dream within a dream?

Monday, October 10, 2011


Today I cried.

I cried for all of the what ifs,
The could have beens,
The should have beens,
The if I just had another chance.

Today I cried.

I cried for the heartbreak.
For the loss of my belief in a meant to be.
For the wondering how it came to be like this.

Today I cried.

I cried for me. I cried for you. I cried for us.

Monday, October 3, 2011

Don't Do It

Never Lose Your Shine

Shimmers dance and sparkle
On the surface side
Of new and the glare is stunning
Never lose your shine

Vision was bleak once
To the point of near blind
Life changed when the light came
Don’t ever lose your shine

In awe we watched
A path close behind
Fresh ink illuminated to
Never lose your shine

Emotions cascaded
Sincere tears in eyes
Never surrender the feeling and
Never lose your shine

So glow on pretty penny
You’re buff like a new dime
Utilize lady luck for your own right and
Never lose your shine

‘Cause there ain’t no deny
You’re buff just like a new diamond
So come out of hiding for all to find and
Never lose your shine

You are the brightest beacon
Amongst the dark sky
Guide on with confidence and
Never lose your shine

‘Cause dent, dulls, and darkness
Relentlessly arise
Keep the flame a-flicker and
Never lose your shine

Nothing is more defeating
Than affection that fades with time
Polish up your ambitions and
Never lose your shine

When you hold a key
One that opens closed minds
You have to enlighten your thoughts
and keep them a-glow and never lose your shine

Sunday, October 2, 2011

After a While

After a While
(You Learn)
© Veronica A. Shoffstall 1971

After a while you learn the subtle difference between
holding a hand and chaining a soul.

And you learn that love doesn’t mean leaning,
and company doesn’t always mean security.

And you begin to learn that kisses are not contracts,
and present's aren’t promises.

And you begin to accept your defeats
with your head up and your eyes ahead...

With the grace of a woman,
not the grief of a child.

And you learn
To build all your roads on today,

Because tomorrow's ground is too uncertain for plans,
and futures have a way of falling down in mid-flight.

After a while you learn that even sunshine burns
if you get too much…

So, you plant your own garden,
and decorate your own soul...
Instead of waiting for someone to bring you flowers.

And you learn that you really can endure…
you really are strong,
you really do have worth.

And you learn, and you learn…
with every goodbye,

You Learn…

I must be

Insane. Albert Einstein said the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.

Yep. I keep expectIng different results and getting the same ones.

There is nothing worse than feeling like a fool.

Friday, September 30, 2011

This Is What Boredom Will Get You

1. What is in the back seat of your car right now? Chain saw, trash bags, rope, shovel, blah blah blah.

2. When was the last time you threw up? I don't throw up. You shut up.

3. What's your favorite curse word? Good girls don't curse. Shame on you for thinking so.

4. Name 3 people who made you smile today? Me, Myself and I. HEEEEEEEEEYYYYYYYYYYYY...

5. What were you doing at 8 am this morning? If I tell you, I will have to kill you.

6. What were you doing 30 minutes ago? Please refer to the answer to #5 and stop asking questions that will get you hurt.

7. What will you be doing 3 hours from now? Layin it down on the flip side. Didn't I warn you about these questions?

8. Have you ever been to a strip club? Yes. It's amazing the skills those girls have. I guarantee they will be the future leaders of America. They hold the true moral values that our country should be founded upon.

9. What is the last thing you said aloud? You're so fine, you blow my mind, how bout I hit it from behind?

10. What is the best ice cream flavor? Bubble gum...u get free gum, c'mon!

11. What was the last thing you had to drink? Not telling. 'Cause you can't have none.

12. What are you wearing right now? White turtle neck, dark green vest, pink camisole, white bra with matching panties (grrr), red leggings, black pants, blue suspenders, black knee high socks, white knee pads, yellow sweatband, purple ring pop, red fruit roll-up earrings (made them myself), aluminum foil grill, neon green scrunchie.

13. What was the last thing you ate? Food. Interesting concept huh?

14. Have you bought any new clothing items this week? Pocket protector. I'm pretty stoked about it.

15. When was the last time you ran? Last week when they had a prostitution ring bust in my neighborhood.

16. What's the last sporting event you watched? Dodgeball.

17. Have you been drinking? No officer. I am am the designated driver.

18. Who is the last person you emailed? Your mom.

19. Ever go camping? Around here, we call it livin.

20. Do you have a tan? Why's it always gotta be a tan thing?

21. Are you mad? Like Britney Spears mad?

22. What kind of car do you drive? None of your business. And no you can't get a ride.

23. What is today? It's ummmm...wait...what? Ummm...where am I?

24. Do you drink your soda from a straw? If I'm at a fancy sit-down restaurant. But that's only once every couple of years or so....

25. What did your last IM say? The body is buried in the backyard, if you talk, I kill you.

26. Are you someone's best friend? Hellz yeah I am. The bestest.

27. What are you doing tomorrow? Even street walkers have to rest.

28. Where is your mom right now? Wouldn't you like to know.

29. Look to your left, what do you see? The street sign. Sooo exciting! Take it off!

30. What color is your watch? Don't got no watch. I'm a rebel.

31. What do you think of when you think of Australia ? My Aunt, Uncle and cousins cookin somethin on the bar-bie!

32. Would you consider plastic surgery? Sometimes I think about it and I'm like, "well maybe just a little here or there" then I see someone later in life who had it done years ago and they look disgusting and I realize that I'd rather just diet and work out really hard and make good with what I got. Nothin a little tissue can't fix.

33. What is your birthstone? Skulls and Crossbones

34. Do you go in at a fast food place or just hit the drive thru? Drive thru so I can peg the cashier woman in the head with a penny.

35. How many kids do you want? Do you have some you are bringing to the relationship? I can want those.

36. Do you have a dog? Yes. Two, and they can kick your dogs butt.

37. Last person you talked to on the phone? My pimp.

38. Have you met anyone famous? I am famous....for being amazing. What what.

39. Any plans today? Just filling this out and then skidaddling to bed. (I know you love that I brought out the skiddaddle, really, how long has it been since you've heard that one?).

40. How many states have you lived in? Notchyos.

41. Ever go to college? Been. Graduated and going again. I think I'm confused.

42. Where are you right now? Hello. Obvious. Like...duh.

43. Biggest annoyance in your life right now? Lack of sleep.

44. Last song listened to? If you stand on it...we stand behinnnnnnnnd it!

45. Where were you 6 hours ago? I have an alibi, I swear.

46. Are you allergic to anything? Dumb drunk men at the bar. Ick...

47. Favorite pair of shoes you wear all the time? My bo bos. Walmart special yo.

48. Are you jealous of anyone? Nah brah.

49. Are you in love? Is that what I told you?

50. Is anyone jealous of you? Probably, there are many haters out there.

51. What time is it? You tell me. I ain't got not watch, remember?

*52. Do any of your friends have children? Yes, but we don't talk about their boyfriends like that.

53. Do you eat healthy? Define healthy.

54. What do you usually do during the day? Square dance, play jenga, and do a little break dancing.

55. Do you hate anyone right now? only love for yas.

56. Do you use the word 'hello' daily? And howdy...can't forget howdy.

57. Ever been in the military? My DD-214 says I was.

58. How old will you be turning on your next birthday? How old are you looking for?

59. Have you ever been to Six Flags? Nah, I just ride real fast around corners through Northeast DC. Same thing. Ghetto rollerocaster.

Thursday, September 22, 2011

Can We Have It All?

A few friends and I get in to a certain discussion from time to time. It's the "can we actually have it all" conversation.

Tides have changed over the years and women are more successful than ever. All of the sudden, we spend our lives getting an education and obtaining a career and then we find ourselves alone, with no one to share it with. There you are, standing in your big house or driving in your new car and there is no one standing next to you, or riding in the passenger seat, or driving while you sit in the passenger seat.

It seems these days that we have to give up something to get something else. Like we just can't have it all. We can't be educated, have a great career, be healthy and have love and be happy.

OR maybe we should just be happy with all of the "things" we do have. BUT what is all that "stuff" if you don't have someone to share it with? If at the end of the day, you go home to an empty house and talk to yourself (or your dogs) and when something exciting happens, you don't have that person to call and share it with that will exude pride and love in their voice when they get excited with you.

Can we have hit all? Or do we need to change our definition of what having it all is?

My Mama always told me that I am never satisfied. I used to think this was a good thing, maybe a bit of ambition but lately, I'm not so sure.

Sunday, September 4, 2011

If You Forget Me

If You Forget Me by Pablo Neruda

I want you to know
one thing.

You know how this is:
if I look
at the crystal moon, at the red branch
of the slow autumn at my window,
if I touch
near the fire
the impalpable ash
or the wrinkled body of the log,
everything carries me to you,
as if everything that exists,
aromas, light, metals,
were little boats
that sail
toward those isles of yours that wait for me.

Well, now,
if little by little you stop loving me
I shall stop loving you little by little.

If suddenly
you forget me
do not look for me,
for I shall already have forgotten you.

If you think it long and mad,
the wind of banners
that passes through my life,
and you decide
to leave me at the shore
of the heart where I have roots,
that on that day,
at that hour,
I shall lift my arms
and my roots will set off
to seek another land.

if each day,
each hour,
you feel that you are destined for me
with implacable sweetness,
if each day a flower
climbs up to your lips to seek me,
ah my love, ah my own,
in me all that fire is repeated,
in me nothing is extinguished or forgotten,
my love feeds on your love, beloved,
and as long as you live it will be in your arms
without leaving mine.

Thursday, September 1, 2011

That's All Folks

Tuesday was divorce court day. I'm officially divorced.

Wednesday proceeded to suck the life out of me with a speeding ticket, a tow truck driver scam, damage to my car and just being unsure if I am on the road of getting my heart broken again.

Today has pretty much sucked too. I need to find a nice bar stool and pull up to the bar and make friends with a tasty beverage or two.

Wednesday, August 24, 2011

Mindless Forty Eight

Why not answer some questions? Yeah, yeah, I know, this is a blog. I'm supposed to write stuff not use random questionnaires like a teenager to entertain. Well, whatever. Read them anyway, I'm kind of funny today. Oh, and bless your heart.

1. What time did you get up this morning? Not what time I was supposed to, that's for sure.

2. How do you like your steak? Preferably on a plate and cooked.

3. What is your favorite TV show? DVR

4. If you could live anywhere in the world where would it be? Ireland. Under the rainbow, with the rest of my leprechaun friends. But right now that would have to be switched out with Japan. The land of the other little people.

5. Are you tired? I can't remember the last time I wasn't at least kind of tired. Sleep is obviously overrated. Well for some people anyway.

6. What is your favorite food? FREE.

7. Favorite Place to Eat? At home. I hate people. Or Top of The World in Vegas. I like those people.

8. Favorite dressing? The kind you put in turkeys.

9. Cup 1/2 empty or 1/2 full? Not sure. Where the hell is my cup?

10. Favorite time of day? After work. Not in traffic. You know. Vodka thirty or something.

11. Where were you born? In a hospital. Nifty concept huh?

12. Are you a morning person or a night person? HAHAHAHAHA! Talk to me in the morning. I dare you. Unless you live in a different time zone.

13. Do you have any pets? Yep. Three of them. All holy terrors. Want one?

14. Any new and exciting news you would like to share? Ummmm...nope. But thanks for asking.

15. What did you want to be when you were little? Bigger.

16. Are you a cat or dog person? Well, since I have both, I guess both. But I'm allergic to cats and dogs. Go figure. And we all know that I've had my fair share of dogs in my life. And not the kind with 4 legs.

17. Are you married? Technically for another 6 days. Why you want to get married or something?

18. Always wear your seat belt? Define always.

19. Any pet peeves? OOOO...I have lots of peeves. Pets too.

20. Favorite ice cream? I GOT ICE CREAM. AND YOU DON'T

21. Favorite fast food restaurant? Jack in the box. Even if I am scared of the game, I hate when that little guy pops out at me. So I just quit turning the handle.

22. Do anything spontaneous lately? Spontaneity is the spice of life and I am a habanero pepper.

23. Like your job? Yep and you can't have it.

24. Broccoli? What about it? We're friends. Do you have a problem with that?

25. What is your favorite color? Depends. Are there any bulls around?

26. Where are your pets right now? Two of them are probably tearing something up in the basement. Rotten animals. The cat is probably sleeping.

27. Last time you kissed someone? Ugh. WAY too long ago. June 20th to be precise. BOO. Now I have a pouty face. Thanks a lot.

28. Last time you consumed alcohol? Ummm...Last night. *looking around*

29. What color phone do you have? Naked or dressed?

30 . Ever laid under the stars?: Well, I reckon every night...I've never been able to make it OVER them. My rocket ship bed idea didn't really pan out.

31. What outfit do you have on at this exact moment? Outfit? We office people don't really wear outfits. Well, unless you count the skank downstairs on the 3rd floor. Anyway...Black and white. That's how I roll.

32. What do you want to be? A billionaire so freaking bad.

33. What are you doing tomorrow? Working. What are you doing?

34. Do you know someone who likes you? I THINK A LOT OF PEOPLE LIKE ME :) I am cool like that. But is there someone that "likes" me? Yes, yes there is. I kinda like him too. Shhhh...

35. Have you ever had a friend named "Fred, Frank, or Felipe"? I used to have a friend name Fred. HI FRED. Last I heard, he was busy catching border jumpers in Texas. I know two Franks. I need a Felipe.

36. What is the closest green object to you? I have a few green things. I don't feel like measuring to find out which one is the closest. Oh I know, a post-it. Did you know that my friend Michelle and I invented them?

37. Did you enjoy your last kiss? Yes and no. The kiss was amazing, but, it was in an aiport before I got on a plane. And I haven't had one since. So, thank you sir, may I have another?

38. What is/are your favorite kind of band(s)? The rubber ones.

39. Do you believe in Karma? I believe in Karma Chameleons. They are red, gold and gold and greeeeennnnn.

40. Do you have any imaginary friends? Well, there are some people that wave to me and say hi and think I like them, they are imagining they are my friend. Does that count?

41. When was the last time you were interested in someone? I'm currently interested in someone. SO the last time was right now....and now....and now...

42. Do you miss someone right now? Like I would miss oxygen if I didn't have it for my next breath.

43. Do you believe the statement "bigger is always better"? No I do not. The woman at breakfast this morning was a perfect example.

44. Do you have a friend with benefits? Like medical and dental? 401k?

45. Ever fell down the steps? Come on. You underestimate my clumsiness. I fall, trip, knock people down, spill things, drop's really funny. Until someone gets hurt. Namely me.

46. Have you ever almost died?: Almost only counts in horseshoes and hand grenades. A hand grenade would probably kill you....I don't know about a horseshoe, maybe...with a direct blow. If you got hit in the leg with a horseshoe, it wouldn't dismember you like a hand grenade. I think we should just disregard the whole horseshoe thing anyway. "Almost only counts with Hand Grenades...period...that's all." And yes, I have almost died.

47. Have you ever been to jail?: Yes, but I rolled doubles and got out free. GO ME!

48. Are we there yet? By golly, I think we are. Please keep your hands and feet in the plane until the plane has come to a comlete stop and the pilot has turned off the fasten seatbelt signs.

Monday, August 22, 2011


Random Observations and Lessons Learned

1) Don't fight with your significant other in front of people. And learn that sometimes the fighting is pointless anyway.
2) Be careful who you give your heart to. Some people think they are toys and find new ways to break them.
3) Never drink more drinks at a bar than you are willing to pay for (people are sneaky).
4) Traffic on I-95 from Maryland to Virginia and throughout will always suck, at any given time. Deal with it or don't drive on it. Plain and simple.
5) People will spend way too long in the plastic bin aisle at Wal-Mart and Target trying to match the lid to the bin. (Funny stuff).
6) Wanting and needing are two totally different things. Learn the difference. Especially when it comes to love.
7) The officer does NOT care how fast anyone else but YOU were going.
8) The first person to say, "Are we going to play real poker?" is the first person to play a donkey hand and/or suck out on you.
9) Never put your pool stick away.
10) The designated driver is not the person who has had the least to drink.
11) What happens in the parking lot stays in the parking lot.
12) No matter how funny you think it is, your friend should not approach a police officer drunk in WaWa at 2 am and tell him how much she loves a man in uniform.
13) If you cannot name at least 5 people that play on your favorite sports team then you are NOT a true fan.
14) Some women are just that stupid.
15) Some men are just that stupid.
16) If more than 3 people tell you that your boyfriend is a jerk, he is 99% of the time a jerk. And stop holding on to that 1%, those are the confused people.
17) Men: Please refer to #17 and change boyfriend to girlfriend and jerk to ho.
18) Red jello stains your fingers if you don't wash it off until the next morning.
19) The Chili's on 610 sucks. The food and service is horrendous, unless you are sitting AT the bar (not IN the bar).
20) Don't run your mouth about something you aren't willing to take or give a beat down for.
21) Don't talk smack about the Marine Corps. Only Marines are allowed to do that.
22) Take your hat off, place your hand over your heart and shut your mouth when the National Anthem is being performed or played. End of discussion.
23) Never underestimate the power of fear.
24) People who you never thought you would talk to again, will undoubtedly call you, write you or e-mail you from Iraq.
25) Deny, deny, deny.
26) Try to always answer your phone. You never know when someone is going to need you.
27) High school for me was over 19 years ago. Please refrain from acting like you are still in it when around me. Thanks.
28) If you say you are going to call, then call. End of story.
29) I love the Goodwill. Yes, I know that not everyone can have a brand new one that is color coordinated and has great clothes. Sorry about your luck.
30) There will come a day when your heart truly is completely broken and cannot be repaired.
31) You must party with someone in a kilt and hear bagpipes on St. Patrick's Day or it's just not the same.
32) No matter how close redbox is to your house, the local bar or the bank, your movies will more than likely still be late.
33) Don't talk to me when I am watching the game, unless you are on fire.
34) Sometimes I wonder (not wander) well I do that too, but sometimes I just wonder. Shaking my head and sighing. Flabergasted.
35) People will never cease to amaze me. (where 34 gets me).
36) If you don't know who, make sure it's not you before you start talking about it.
37) Do it. I dare you.
38) Men will never learn.
39) Women won't either.
40) People who start off lying to you, will always lie to you.
41) There is a Jack In The Box off of exit 48A on I-85 in South Carolina. Don't keep driving thinking you will see another one. You won't.
42) The Fish House in Pensacola has the best Filet Oscar. Yummmy! Get it.
43) I do not get enough sleep. Ever.
44) Commencement ceremonies are boring.
45) I have the best friends. Smart and successful. We are a force to be reckoned with. Beware.
46) Some things are just better left unsaid. Period.
47) If you wouldn't want someone to do it to you, don't do it to them.
48) I do not believe "once a cheater, always a cheater."
49) Do not be rude to someone and get offended when they are twice as rude back to you.
50) Put that stupid collar down. It wasn't cool in the 80's and it is twice as uncool now. Idiot.
51) Yes I know I have colorful past. I lived it.
52) Yes, I have an accent. It took many years to get rid of it. Sometimes it creeps back in. No, I am not from NY, NJ, NE or any other state that talks like that either. Don't ask me where it came from. Ask my mom.
53) If I wouldn't date you myself, I will not introduce you to any of my friends for you to date them. Not happening. Move along.
54) I need to get more sleep. Much more.
55) Wear a bra, and a shirt that fits. While you are at it, wear some pants that fit too. It's not cute to do otherwise.

Friday, August 5, 2011

Fridays are for feelings...

The universe always has an interesting way of reminding me of who I am when I have somewhat lost my way.

When you start a new relationship, all of the ego based emotions, all of the walls you've built as a means for protection, all of the new insecurities, and barriers, seem to grow 3 inches thicker. Not only is the other person unknowingly trying to break down walls they don't even know are there, but you find yourself trying to break those walls down too, some days to no avail.

I thrive on being a planner, and I seriously feel that I never have enough. But I didn't plan on being single at 37. Yet another failed marriage. I didn't plan on meeting someone new even after being single became my new plan. I didn't plan on it being a long distance relationship that will test me in every way it can. I didn't plan on this. I had rules that I set for myself. And I broke them all.

I've learned that I set the expectations of people too high. I get caught up in the things that they do so much, that when they don't do them, I feel like they have let me down. I've been told before that I often times make people feel like they can't do anything right because when they do something wrong I let them know in a way that makes them feel disappointed in themselves. The issue is, I love with 110% and I do everything I can to let the people I love know it. I want them to know that I appreciate them and care about them and love them and need them and want them. I get all giddy when I get an email or a card in the mail or a phone call. But what happens is, I start to expect those things. And I start to make them part of my PLAN. And when I don't get the daily email or the phone call, I in a sense retreat. When someone tells me they are going to do something I expect them to do it. And when they don't, to me, it's a direct reflection on how they feel about me. I know, I just wrote about this the other day in another blog post entitled Wait What Did You Say. At the end of that post I wrote "Then I won't be disappointed when they don’t do what they say. I understand that we all have our own internal conflicts about what we say we want and what we are actually capable of doing. Maybe truly trusting someone, is understanding why they act the way they do." Here's the problem with that, once you start expecting less, you start to feel like you are receiving less. And when you feel like someone is giving you less than you deserve you start to not even want the little bit they are giving you.

Here's the thing. Once you have been hurt for the last time, you tend to freak out. A LOT. Sure, most of the time it's internally, but you still freak out. You always think the worst. Because too many times in the past, you thought the best and you were sadly, sadly mistaken and devastated. The truth of the matter is, there are some holes and tears, in my heart that are still mending- or a need to be replaced.

I'm always dreaming up the next move. But what I need to do is just allow "the process". I see what love is and I know that I can have it and I know I'm fully capable of giving it in return.

I'm in the process. I cannot fight it. So, I'm putting down the gloves for a second and I'm just going to let it be. I'm going to let myself sit in the "panic" for a moment and rather than flipping out, which tends to be my initial reaction, (sorry baby...I know you are reading this), I think that I'm going to roll with this. Yes, I am uncomfortable, and unsure of where this is all leading, I don't see the perfect plan, the perfect step, the booming voice of guidance isn't calling my name, and for once. It's okay.

Tuesday, August 2, 2011

Telling It Tuesday

If I could do it over
I'd have waited for this moment
To give my heart to you unbroken
But if our mistakes brought us together
Doesn't really matter whether
We were saints or sinners in the past
I don't care if I'm your first love
I'd just love to be your last

Excerpt from "I'd Love To Be Your Last" by Clay Walker

Tuesday, July 26, 2011

Wait...what did you say?

1. reliance on the integrity, strength, ability, surety, etc., of a person or thing; confidence.
2. confident expectation of something; hope.

Maya Angelou said, “When people show you who they are the first time, believe them.”

Have you ever been completely in love? You know, where you TRUST someone completely? Or 99.9% as I like to say? Sometimes, it feels like you just ran on to I-95 North or South in the Northern Virginia/DC/MD area, hoping you won't get hit. Or maybe traffic will be at a standstill and and if some car does bump you, you will only get a small bruise and you will still be able to stumble off to the side of the road to treat your wounds. Trusting can feel like walking on a tight rope with no net below to catch you if you fall.

Even though you might have fallen off of that tight rope a time or two, and you know how bad the pain is, you still climb back up that ladder and get back on that rope and put one foot in front of the other and start walking again repeating affirmations such as "I will not fall", "I will not look down", "I will reach the other side." (run on sentence much?)

Anyway. Trusting someone means that you learn to know them through their words. In the beginning stages of a relationship, all you have to judge your level of trust on is words that they give you. You find yourself on a rollercoaster ride where you are reaching for one of those locking bars to hold you in and you are wondering what will happen if the ride gets stuck at the top? Will anyone hear you screaming?

Sometimes relationships start off with the intention of never becoming a relationship and people aren't necessarily the most truthful. On a rare occassion, you find that the make believe turns into a fairytale and you are left standing their questioning everything. "Wait, what did you say?"
Things that you didn't really know were untruthful at the time you were told them and believed them tend to have a way of rearing their ugly heads. Then doubt creeps in to every crevice of your mind and makes you feel like you want to just jump off of the tightrope even though you know there isn't a net? You make excuses for why you should stay on the rope. "I will not quit. Just a little more time and I will get my balance. I will make it to the other side damn it. I WILL not fall off again."

The only things you can know of a person for sure (or 99.9%) is what you see, what you feel and what you experience (if you have your eyes open and aren't closing them that is). What you don't know are the things you don't see or feel or experience.

In my experience, what people say and do are generally two different things. Not necessarily because they are trying to lie but because at the time the statement was made, it was the truth. We all have our own set of fears and patterns that affect how we interact with people. In every hurtful situation where my trust has been breached, people have responded from their own unique set of fears. Because I wanted to trust and believe them, I ignored the truth to keep seeking love.

Maybe I should stop looking at people as to whether or not they can be trusted. Then I won't be disappointed when they don’t do what they say. I understand that we all have our own internal conflicts about what we say we want and what we are actually capable of doing. Maybe truly trusting someone, is understanding why they act the way they do.

Monday, July 25, 2011

Sunday, July 24, 2011

The Things You Find

On Wikihow. They seem to think they can tell you how to do anything don't they?

How to Stop Being Afraid of Being Loved or Falling in Love

Are you afraid to fall in love or of being loved by someone? Does the thought make you feel suffocated, too deeply entwined, or just plain uninteresting? For some, previous scars from being in love drive a need to stay away from love altogether, for fear of being hurt again. For sure, love is a frightening journey but it is also a wondrous one too and it is important to note that you get out of something what you put into it. So, without further ado, it's time to forge on ahead and learn some mechanisms to make it less scary, more enticing, and definitely worth your while.

1 Understand that the feeling of love is permissible.Understand that the feeling of love is permissible. Let yourself be overcome by feelings of affection, care, intensity, and warmth. These feelings won't destroy you - they are good, positive feelings. And if you let them show, it is so much the easier for the other party to feel OK about letting their mutual affection show back.

2 Rid yourself of past shadows.Rid yourself of past shadows. When you start feeling great affection for someone but the ghost of love-gone-wrong in the past starts fluttering by, tell yourself that this is a different situation this time, different person, and a wiser, more emotionally healthy you. You should have learned the lessons from past losses, so make good now and trust this new beginning is going to be work for you both.

3 Face your fears.Face your fears. If you feel a sense of suffocation, loss of self, or disillusionment about love, then you probably have a tougher road ahead than a person who fears a repeat of the past. For you, the fear is about losing yourself, your individuality. Think about the past and anyone who may have made you feel this way, suffocated, watched over, criticized too much. Put that memory into its place and recognize that that person or situation is very different from a love in which two people at an equal level care about one another and make mature decisions together. It also helps to set very clear but friendly ground rules about yourself from the start of a loving relationship - let the other person know that you will always feel a need for space, time alone, and opportunities to do things separate from your relationship but that this does not impact your love and care for this person. rather, Make it clear that this is a healthy way for a couple to be together, always growing and being individuals as much as being part of a couple.

4 Take the plunge slowly.Take the plunge slowly. You are never going to be the type who sees fireworks and feels love at first sight. You are too cautious; this is a positive, not a negative as only fools rush in where angels fear to tread. Take your time developing your loving relationship, and be mature, honest, straightforward and open with your partner. The love that flourishes from this slowly-does-it approach is often an enduring and respectful one.

5 Don't give up your other passions.Don't give up your other passions. Being in a loving relationship means being in a supportive one. It is not about being changed by another person, or trying to change someone. If you fear that the person you love might end up wanting to change something about you, deal with this early on. Always make it clear that you come with the fox terriers, the summer vacation hunting trips, the night-out-with-the-girls once a week, the desire to never have children, the weekends locked away editing wikiHow etc. If you have passions that define you, a partner who seeks to take them away from you will leave both of you unhappy and if this is what is stopping you from falling in love, return to the mantra of being open, clear, and up front from the start. Now that all this is out of the way, you can start to fall in love and enjoy the journey to self-discovery that includes discovering someone else. Good luck leaving fear behind!Ads by Google

Tips: Remember that love is a multi-colored, many splendid thing that is hard to confine to one-box-fits-all or to a singular definition. It just may be that your problem is how you define love; change your perspective and you might just lose your fear. Love can creep up unawares, dressed in the clothing of friendship, a shared passion, a regular meet-up, a weekly conversation in the pub - it doesn't have to be anything spectacular or overwhelming and it can be as simple, or as complicated, as you want it to be. Maybe seeing it this way can lessen your fear of the amorphous, overly romanticized notion of love and help you to understand that at its most basic, love is companionship with somebody who means a great deal to you.

Warnings: No matter who it is, there is always a chance of being hurt, even if you eliminate the fear. Choose heartbreak over fear of heartbreak; choose doing over doing nothing. Be careful that you aren't mistaking "Love" for loneliness. Don't think you are putting someone in your heart, when all you really want is someone in your bed.

Friday, July 15, 2011

Other Writers and Their Words of Wisdom

Sometimes another writer can just write almost exactly how you are feeling. Sure, the story is their personal story and not all of what they are writing about pertains to you, but the story remains the same.

Today is one of those days that I feel like Chelsea from Chelsea Talks Smack when she wrote a post a few weeks ago entitled Self-sabotage, loving yourself and NOT BEING SO DAMN CRAZY. Brilliant!

Wednesday, July 13, 2011

Spit or Swallow?

I know the title got your attention, so I will not disappoint with the contents of the post.

I know that some people that read my blog will get a kick out of this and since it's written by a woman and it's pretty funny, I had to share. Not sure I agree with the title but whatever.

One of the Most Detested Sex Acts Is Good for Women

Posted by Jamye Waxman on June 17, 2011 at 6:41 PM

I've always been a swallower. As a child I swallowed anything the vacuum cleaner failed to pick up. Crayons. Paper. Nose boogers. Nothing felt dirty or wrong, even if the look on my mother's face told me otherwise. It wasn't until I starting give blowjobs that I thought about what I swallowed. I had given up breastmilk long before then, and the idea of swallowing something out of someone else's body felt odd. But, then anything feels strange until you get used to doing it.

There's a lot of chatter over the age old sex debate, to spit or swallow, but when it comes to decisions, this is an easy one. If you love your partner and can muster up enough strength to take one for the team, take one for the team. Not only do guys love it when women swallow -- something about the whole completion thing -- but there are actually measurable benefits to swallowing, too.

1. Semen can boost your mood. Sure, this study had to do with intercourse, but if the hormones in semen, mainly testosterone and estrogen, make women happy when they screw, why wouldn't they make women happy when they swallow? Going on that theory, swallowing can make you happier. So next time the kids are screaming for Sponge Bob, think about the benefits another type of bob. The head bob.

2. Semen does a body good, pass it on. That's right, semen may be a cure for sore throats and diabetes! The next time you eat too much sugar and worry about your insulin levels, balance it out with a little semen (and, of course, talk to your doctor). If you lose your voice shouting, protect your throat with semen. These are only some of the possible medical benefits for semen. I can only imagine what else science will uncover about swallowing. Perhaps it's the cure for world hunger?

3. Semen can taste good. Like french fries or fruit, it all depends on what he eats. When you're looking for a filling snack, why not a little love juice? It's high in protein and only 20 calories per teaspoon. And when he eats celery, cranberries, watermelon and drinks pineapple juice, he'll taste even juicer.

4. And for those who you can't get themselves to swallow, fear not. You should feel good knowing that a little semen on your face may do wonders for your skin. According to The Sexual Teachings of the White Tigress semen facials are good for you. And in her memoir, I'm Wild Again, even Helen Gurley Brown recommends the semen facial: "Spread semen over your face, [it's] probably full of protein as sperm can eventually become babies. Makes a fine mask — and he'll be pleased."

Do you prefer to spit or swallow?

About the author

Jamye Waxman M.Ed is a sex educator and writer who loves to cuddle. She believes that intimacy takes work but should be fun, and communication is the key. She's also a TMI kind of girl.

Have a nice day! :)

Monday, July 11, 2011

Monday Mess

Do you ever have those days where you just can't seem to get rid of that, I'm pissed off at the world edge? You know, when you wake up and you feel like you didn't sleep at all. Where you sit at your desk and stare at the computer, aimlessly going through the motions of "work". By 1pm your eyes are burning and still red from exhaustion. You try to drink some caffeine or go smoke (for those of us in the world that still do) but nothing seems to remove that nasty "I want to punch something" grip that is on your day.

Then, you try to sit down and write about it and everything comes out a mess and makes no real sense. Then you end up with some damn post like this one.

There are about ten different reasons why I'm not in a good mood today, and I don't want to talk about any of them. Here are some random thoughts that keeps racing back and forth.

The answer is NO.
What the hell am I doing?
How am I going to make that happen?
Should I be doing this?
What am I thinking?
How the hell am I going to pay that?
I don't want to. I don't need to. And I'm not going to.

Monday is a MESS.

Wednesday, June 29, 2011

Wordless Wednesday

How I feel in pictures

Friday, June 24, 2011

50 Is My Favorite Number

"There comes a time in every life when the world gets quiet and the only thing left is your heart." — Sarah Dessen

Thursday, June 2, 2011

Check, 1, 2, 3...Is anyone out there.


What a month.

I went on a work trip in April and had an amazing time. Then I went on another trip just last week and was hiding in the inner rooms of a hotel and a training center on two separate occassions while tornado sirens were going off outside. GOOD TIMES.

Lots of things going on. A promotion at work. YAY ME! A new car. Someone who makes me smile. And just life being great.

I have two trips coming up. Both personal and I can't wait. My second trip cannot possibly get here fast enough. I am almost crawling out of my skin for it to get here.

Oh yeah, and I am smiling. A lot. I mean a lot alot.

Wednesday, May 11, 2011

Tuesday, May 10, 2011

And There You Have It

This message is has been encrypted and password protected by the author. Please contact the author for the password.

Monday, May 9, 2011

Interesting don't say.

Inside women's sexual brains, preferences and porn

Men everywhere have probably wondered for thousands of years: What turns women on?

In the age of the Internet, it's possible to find out. And with countless genres of images, videos and erotic stories available online, women are both able and empowered to access arousing material, and figure out for themselves what they like. Some are watching porn, as our sex columnist Ian Kerner pointed out in a recent column.

But what women are viewing and reading is usually not what men are searching for, according to a new book on the subject. In "A Billion Wicked Thoughts," released Thursday, neuroscientists Ogi Ogas and Sai Gaddam combine web searches, personal search histories, websites, and classified ads with insights from brain science to discover precisely how different women are from men.

Just like we're all born with taste cues - sweet, salty, savory, spicy, bitter - men and women's brains are wired with sexual cues, Ogas said. For men, the cues are predominantly visual, and aimed at the partner; they often enjoy seeing women orgasm, which may be one of the reasons why so many women fake. But women are more complex; they place a high importance on feeling desired, for example, whereas it appears men generally don't need to feel desired at all in order to feel aroused.

"A woman wants to know that there’s going to be repeat action, that he’s committed and is going to be coming back," Ogas said.

Women are sexually complex in other important ways. If a man is physically turned on, he's also psychologically turned on, which is why medications for erectile dysfunction (i.e. Viagra) can deliver fairly straightforward results. But a woman can be physically turned on and mentally turned off at the very same time, making efforts toward a treatment for low female sexual desire all the more complicated. And as to what makes a woman go beyond mere arousal and have sex, you'll have to read this other article.

The female sexual brain is also like a “detective agency” that investigates a man’s many qualities before deciding whether he’s worth her attention, the authors said. Evolutionarily, that makes sense. In the earliest days of humans, females who mated with the first males they encountered would not have fared as well as those who took the time to investigate their partners a little more. The "detective agency" would make sure that the chosen male would not be cruel, unfaithful or sneaky, would protect the woman and her child.

More important than evolution, though, is the "software" of the sexual brain, Ogas and Gaddam said.

Again, men are simple: The male brain is designed so that any stimulus can trigger arousal. For some, a single cue is necessary and sufficient, which is what makes a fetish, well, a fetish. For instance, some men get turned on in the presence of attractive shoes or feet, and need to see that in order to feel stimulated. On the other hand, fetishes are extremely rare among women. The female brain usually doesn't respond to a single trigger every time; there can be lots of different combinations of things that can get them in the mood.

"The male sexual brain is like a single toggle switch, whereas the female sexual brain is like the cockpit of an F1 fighter jet," Gaddam said. "There are tons of dials and instruments, and there's sophisticated calibration going on."

To fully appreciate this, feast your eyes on these two real search histories from America Online users:

MAN: college cheerleaders; cheerleaders in Hawaii; pics of bikinis and girls; pretty girls in bikinis; girls suntanning in bikinis; college cheerleader pics in bikinis; noooooooo; christian advice on lust

WOMAN: orlando bloom as vampire fanfiction; 321 sex chat; kingdom of heaven fanfiction; cinderella wedding dresses; gossip on orlando bloom; legolas erotica; legolas heterosexual erotica; evil orlando bloom dark fanfiction

As you can see, this woman tends to prefer stories ("fanfiction," or narratives based on existing movies/TV/literature) much more than the man, who searches for specific images. The majority of these stories are romantic and lightly erotic, but plenty of women like graphic erotic stories, too. In the search above you can see this one gal is particularly interested in Legolas from "Lord of the Rings" and the actor who portrays him: Orlando Bloom. And there's a lot of conversation that goes on among women about erotic stories about the inner feelings of the characters, whereas men consume porn alone and don't talk about the aesthetics, Gaddam said.

"Male erotica is a solitary enterprise, and female erotica is a social enterprise," Ogas said.

A minority of women do watch visual porn. Based on analyses of user profiles on a porn website, these ladies tend to be more socially aggressive, comfortable taking risks, and open to bisexual experiences. They also tend to have a higher sex drive.

And while many men do seek out porn involving young women, there's a substantial interest in seeing scantily clad (or not clad at all) older women too. Significant numbers of web searches and websites out there are devoted to women in their 40s, 50s, 60s. There's even a genre called "granny porn," with a consistent following, in which the male performer's age is highly variable. It's hard to know how old the men are who are seeking this class of erotica, but the authors speculate they come from a wide range of ages, since men's sexual interests are pretty solid by age 25. Women, on the other hand, have much more flexible and dynamic interests during a lifetime.

What about homosexuality? The authors compared gay and straight male sexuality, and found they were strikingly similar. The differences: gay men like men, and are more likely to be aroused by the submissive role in sex than straight men. Lesbians are far more complicated, and Ogas and Gaddam don't think they have enough information to make any definitive comparisons about it.

The authors don't take any moral positions on any of this, but they do point out that individual tastes and preferences are difficult or impossible to modify. Yet everyone assumes their own interests are the norm, and we quickly label anything else as weird or even dangerous, Gaddam said.

"We should all be more sexually tolerant," Ogas said.

Wednesday, April 13, 2011

I'm Just Sayin'

How to Tell If Someone Is a Sociopath

Sociopaths are always looking out for themselves.

A sociopath is characterized by the deficit of social emotions such as love, guilt, shame or remorse. According to the University of Tennessee-Knoxville, the sociopath lacks "a sense of moral responsibility and social conscience." Sociopaths often scheme to manipulate others without regard to consequences of inflicting harm. It is the cold-hearted way the sociopath reacts to his victims that illustrates his lack of moral compass and detachment from other human beings.

1 Observe the person in his day-to-day life to assess her interactions with others. Sociopaths may be charming, but their actions are calculated to manipulate others. Common behaviors include scams, fraud and deception and may include feigned emotions to appeal to the victim's emotions.

2 Watch for indications that the individual pursues anything they want at the expense of others. According to Austin Peay State University, the sociopath's life revolves around meeting his own needs without regards to others.

3 Verify stories and information provided by the suspected sociopath. Sociopaths typically concoct elaborate backgrounds, inflate their worth and experience and simply lie to convince others to give them what they want.

4 Look for lack of expression of guilt or remorse for wrongful actions towards others. Lack of emotion and failure to express remorse typically signals sociopathic tendencies. Sociopaths convicted of violent crimes typically remain expressionless and exhibit a cold exterior.

5 Assess whether the individual has the mental capability to understand their actions. Sociopaths typically understand their actions and know they are wrong or socially unacceptable but simply don't care. Mentally challenged individuals may lack the cognitive abilities to understand their own actions.

6 Arrange for psychological testing to determine the stability of the individual. Children may exhibit sociopathic traits in the early teens. Lying, stealing and violating laws may signal the onset of sociopathic personalities. Psychological testing rules out other psychological issues that may present with similar traits.

Monday, April 4, 2011

Songs That Get You

You know when you hear a song and even though you don't know the words yet, you love the feeling the music gives you? And if the guy singing is pretty to look at, that helps too.

The song I linked had been dubbed The Country Rap Song. The title is actually Dirt Road Anthem.

This song makes me smile. And smiles are few and far between these days.

Thursday, March 24, 2011


So the song is one that I try to listen to everyday. I need to hear the words. It has nothing to do with the first part of what I am going to write though. There isn't a song that can really describe how I'm feeling about that.

Today, my best friend had to deliver her baby that she knew would be born still born. On Monday (my birthday) the Doctors told her that her baby had died at 18 1/2 weeks in to her pregnancy. At 0720 this morning the baby was delivered with it's umbilical cord wrapped around it's neck.

Today SUCKS.

Monday, March 21, 2011

Happy Birthday To Me!

That is all.

Monday, March 14, 2011

Well Then

So, Friday I wrecked my car. GOOD JOB. Haven't heard from the body shop yet so I am not sure if it's going to be totaled or not yet.

I bumped my head and had a mild concussion. Of course I didn't know that until I was on my way home to get my rental car and became really sick. To the ER I went. Drugs and rest. :( I'm sick and tired. And really sick and tired.

And sick of being tired. And tired of being sick.

Wednesday, March 2, 2011

Wordless Wednesday (almost)

I used to do wordless Wednesday. I think I will try to get back to that. Wordless Wednesday means I will just use pictures to explain how I feel.

Monday, February 14, 2011

Cupid is Stupid

I don't love me. There I admitted it. I mean, I like me and I like all kinds of things about me, but I don't love me. I'm working on that though. List is made. Plan is in motion. I've got a job to do.

For far too long, I allowed myself to try to find self validation by making others feel good. I married a man that didn't love me. I mean sure, I thought he did when I married him. I mean he said he did so he had to have right? Yeah well, we all know how that is ending.

There's nothing like making you love yourself like being married to someone who made you hate what little bit you did like about yourself in the first place. And then walks away to go be with another woman. HELLO, kick to the stomach of my self esteem CHECK.

I'm that smart, pretty, successfull, funny, educated all around girl. I can go anywhere and start a conversation or hold my own in most games and in most environments, whether it is in heels, boots or tennis shoes. I know all these things about myself but yet I still allow people who don't deserve me to be a part of my life. HEY SELF. Get a clue. A big clue. Like Colonel Mustard in the study with the candlestick kind of clue.

Today. I think cupid is stupid. BUT most of us have our own arrows and sit and shoot them until we hit something. Never paying attention to why we might have missed our target the first couple of times. Because you are shooting at the wrong target. HELLO.

Tuesday, February 8, 2011

I Don't

I don't hope like I used to
I don't dream like I once did

Trust is not in my vocabulary
Love is only in fairy tales

Sometimes I get lost along the way
Staring out across the horizon

Only to find myself
Taking a step back

My hopes and dreams
Picked apart
By my emotions of the past

There are moments when my heart flutters
When tears of joy spring into my eyes
But then
through a tiny crack
doubt creeps in

Doubts rapidly invade my mind
No question is left unasked
Walls go up
around my heart
I’m suffocating, I can’t breathe

My mind races, my heart aches
My needs and wants are confused
I am my own worst enemy

I struggle and pull
I push and fight
I scream inside

Silently impatient
Waiting on a change
Restless with emotion
Angered by the pain