Two Words

FETAL DEMISE. Until I heard those words uttered by the ER Doctor, I never new two small words could destroy me in just a moment. I knew when the ultrasound tech didn't show me the heartbeat after her exam that it was over. I still held out some kind of hope that maybe they were reading it wrong or maybe the baby was jsut measuring small. Nope. I had miscarried around two weeks before just a very short time after my 8 week appointment where I was so excited to see a little fluttering heartbeat. Words cannot express the destruction those two words carry with them.

Heartbroken

On Saturday, May 16, 2015, a dear sweet friend and soon to be sister-in-law lost her battle with heroin. She was a 26 year old Mother of two, a sister, a daughter, an Aunt, a cousin, a girlfriend, and a friend. The world is a little darker without her beautiful light shining. She fought her addiction for so long. She deserved to have so much more and be clean and to be able to watch her babies grow. Her son will celebrate his first birthday soon without his Mother there to see it. Her daughter will be 5 soon and will be starting school and she will not have Mommy there on her first day of school. My poor boyfriend's Mother is burying a second child. No Mother should have to endure that kind of pain. My heart is broken.

Life Changes

If someone would have told me a few years ago that I would be where I am today, I would have laughed in their face. Life has funny way of changing on you just when you think you have a grip on everything. I thank God for unanswered prayers. I also thank him for answered ones. Smiles all around.

14

14, a simple number. One that you don't think too much about. Not until it is the day of the month that you lost your Mother. Each month, I make it until around 2pm when something happens to remind me it is the 14th. It's hard to believe that it has been 1 year and 4 months since I have seen or talked to my Mother. Most of the time it still does not feel real.

Death All Around

As we get older, so does everyone else in our life. Profound realization huh? All jokes aside, it seems like lately I can't go a few days without finding out some bad news about someone. My Uncle has a Stage 4 Glioblastoma. Glioblastoma multiforme (GBM), WHO classification name "glioblastoma", also known as Grade IV Astrocytoma,[1] is the most common and most aggressive malignant primary brain tumor in humans, involving glial cells and accounting for 52% of all functional tissue brain tumor cases and 20% of all intracranial tumors. GBM is a rare disease, with an incidence of 2–3 cases per 100,000 person life-years in Europe and North America. It presents two variants: giant cell glioblastoma and gliosarcoma. About 50% of the patients diagnosed with GBM die within one year, while 90% within three years. Treatment can involve chemotherapy, radiation and surgery. Median survival with standard-of-care radiation and chemotherapy with temozolomide is 15 months. Median survival without treatment is 4½ months. Insert sad face here. Just last week, a good friend lost his Mother after she was sick for barely a week. Dee was a great woman. Then, to add to all matters, S's Stepdad potentially has Stage 4 lung cancer. Death comes in threes they say. I say bull damn shit. #Fuckyoucancer

GFY Tuesday

Yep, it's already been one of those days. GFY Tuesday. Somedays you have to wonder if you really have what it takes to make things work. Is the frustration and contact compromise and putting up with bullshit really worth it? What TF is IT anyway? Ugh. Happy GFY Tuesday.