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Some Say It's For Lovers, United States

Thursday, December 27, 2012

Goodbye 12

Each year for the last few years, I have found myself counting down the days and hours until the year ends. Hoping. Hoping at the next year will bring something different. Something new. A change. One for the better. This year is no different. Except for the fact that I no longer have those hopes. I refuse to count down the the minutes until the ball drops and hope for a better year. Usually it's just mere weeks into the year when the same old shit rears it's ugly head. I've noticed that we have to make the changes we want. We have to fight hard, against everything we believe and know to be true sometimes to make ourselves be different. Often times we hurt ourselves beyond repair and generally we knew it would happen but we still do the same stupid things again expecting different results. Someone once said that was a sign of insanity. So, 2013 is lurking around the corner. What can I say? I'm going to quit smoking? Already did that. I'm going to lose weight and go to the gym? Already doing that? I'm going to get my Masters? Already doing that? I even got a boob job in 2012. What else is there? Relationships are a joke. Love is no longer anything I once believed it was. I know. I will stay at home, become a recluse, pay off all of my bills and be the mean old lady with 10 cats that lives at the end of the street. What do you think?

Wednesday, December 5, 2012

Dear You

Yeah you. You know who you are. I still smile when I think of you. Somehow, after all this time. You still make my heart skip a beat. If I think about you too hard, I still lose my breath. It's hard to believe that what we had was so long ago, yet, somedays it feels like yesterday. Thank you for always being there for me. Oh how I wish things were different for us. Another time. Another place. Another life. Little Bunny

Wednesday, November 14, 2012

Vicious Circles

Somedays I find myself running around in a vicious circle. Just when I think I have escaped from the first circle, I find myself in another one. It's almost like I am trapped in a house of mirrors and I keep banging on each wall trying to find an escape. WHY AM I IN HERE? I hate the house of mirrors. Always have. It's not that I am afraid to see myself in the mirror or to really look at myself, it's that I am afraid I will get trapped. Stuck. I want better. I deserve better. I need better. I am better. I have for so long been settling for less than I deserve. If I am all the things my friends say I am then WHY can't I figure that out? Why can't I stop putting up with bullshit and people who treat me like I am less? No only am I enough, I am more than enough. Often times I am too much.

Monday, November 5, 2012

Just Like It

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tSrzYwedIJ0 I'm just saying, I LOVE this song. Now, if I could just find someone to sing it to me.

Tuesday, October 23, 2012

Sometimes I Wonder

No just sometimes really, most of the time.  I guess wondering is better than wandering. 

I hate when bad people are happy.  Does that make sense?  I mean really, people that treat others like shit or hurt people seem to always get the good end of the stick, while those that treat people well and try to do good any chance they get are always the one getting crapped on. 

Blah blah blah.  Don't let things bother you.  Be tolerant etc.  Yeah, I got that. I get that.  It's really, really hard to maintain a positive attitude when you can't find any good in anyone anymore.  Given the chance to be dishonest, most people will. 

What a sad state of affairs.  To those people that are happy and deserve to be, good for you.  But most of you were at one time just as jaded and cynical as me.  You just choose not to remember it. 

Monday, October 15, 2012

Wednesday, October 10, 2012

Who?

Seconds turn into minutes, minutes turn into hours, hours turn into days, days turn into weeks, and so on and so on.

Eventually the emptiness is just normal.  Numbness takes over.

Stolen glances around the room to see if you are there no longer invade my thoughts.
The blank screen of my phone is reality.
I no longer look for your texts, emails or phone calls.

Where is who? 







Wednesday, September 19, 2012

Just A Few Words

There are some opening lyrics to a song that I love.  Whereas the entire song does not pertain to me right now, the words that are about to follow seem to resonate throughout my life. 

"Tryin' to live and love w ith a heart that can't be broken, i s like tryin' to see the light w ith eyes that can't be opened."

Monday, August 20, 2012

Have You Ever

Sat and listened to the sound of your heart crumbling?  When you sit there waiting, knowing that you are going to hear the news that will shatter it the rest of the way?  It's hell.  Pure hell. 

Somedays are truly better than others.  Do you remember where you were the last time your heart was broken?

Thursday, August 2, 2012

Close The Door

Lately, I've noticed that people have been shushing me a lot.  Yes, I can be loud at times.  Even more so if I have a cocktail or two in me.  But come on, if you are having a business meeting with the conference door open that exits right into the common area of the office, CLOSE THE DOOR if you don't want people talking outside of it.  Especially when I was greeting someone and presenting something to them. 

This whole post is really about people shoving their arguments in my face.  I don't give a rats ass if the Chick-Fil-A guy does not like gays.  I love chick-fil-a and I am not gay so whatever. 

Don't even get me started on the rest of the stuff. 

If I didn't eat or shop or go to every place that I didn't agree with their beliefs and policies, I would be homeless, starving without clothes.  And I wouldn't have a job because I work for a Democratic office and I am a Republican. 

CLOSE THE DOOR if you don't like it. 

I believe in my second amendment and I love guns.  Stupid punk that shot up the movie theater is an extreme case.  Take my guns away because the used them for stupidity?  I think not. 

Monday, June 25, 2012

New Idea

I am thinking about starting a new blog called Wheels Up Rings Off:  Lies Married Men Who Travel Tell You.  I am thinking that I already have a plethora of information and research done. 

What a train wreck of idiots that parade themselves through this town. 

And once a week I can have a photo segment called:  Is this your husband?  Complete with a picture of some random drunk man making out with some drunk girl who is clearly not his wife. 

How many people do you think would send me death threats? 

Thursday, May 31, 2012

Rememorialing

What a busy life we all lead these days. One of my favorite bloggers has said goodbye to the blogging world to move on to the rest of his life, some of my other favorites barely write anymore and then there is me. Each day I think to myself, I should blog about that, and then what do I do? NOTHING. Shame on me. Last weekend, on Saturday to be exact, I had the opportunity to go to a dinner for Gold Star Families. My friend Renee was in town from Texas and she is a Gold Star Widow. We used to be stationed together in Hawaii in the Marine Corps back in the day. She and her husband Matt had their beautiful marriage cut short just mere months after they were married and 5 weeks after there tiny daughter came into this world. That was 11 years ago on the 15th of this month. Thanks to her and this dinner, I was introduced to quite a few other great women. Each othe their stories so very different. Widows from the Army, the National Guard, the Marine Corps, the Navy, etc. I laughed, I cried, I shuddered, I shook my head and I memorialized these young men with the women who loved them the most (besides their Mamas of course). I feel so honored to have been welcomed into their circle of friends even though I cannot imagine their pain. Memorial Day was again another day that I looked at even more differently than I ever had before. I've lost friend in Iraq and Afghanistan and I've mourned their deaths but that day, I celebrated the lives of such amazing men. So, Matt, Howie, Earl and Tico, rest in peace gentlemen, your amazing wives are carrying on for you.

Tuesday, April 24, 2012

http://chelseatalkssmack.blogspot.com/2012/04/youth-youre-probably-fucking-up-but.html In case you are too lazy to follow the link. Thursday, April 12, 2012 YOUTH: You're probably fucking up, but don't worry about, you've got time. There's something about the smell of the air at 10pm in Hollywood, when the sky doesn't give you the privilege of seeing the stars that makes you feel like you're eighteen again. ...tugging at your clothes wondering if you look pretty, if people will think you're funny, or if they're feigning interest... or if people can tell you've been eating peanut butter for dinner for like, a month straight, while piling into a car with a person you barely know, wondering if they're going to remember your name when you run into them at Gelson's in a week. There's something about that smell. 10pm, right before summer comes full force, that reminds me of all those weird insecurities that you hope you've masked enough for functionality sake...now that you're 25 and all. You'll put this mask on autopilot. Chipping away at truths, layers trailing behind you, reminding you of what you're desperately trying to shed. But here's the thing about youth. Right? YOUTH. Isn't it equally magic and horrendous at once? The thing is this; sometimes, when you're 25, you'll end up cuddling with someone you shouldn't and you'll feel terrible the next morning and think, "when in the fucking, FUCK am I going to get it right?" then, you'll remember that sometimes, a warm bicep feels better than a pillow. That sometimes, you'll isolate yourself and then you'll spread yourself thin. Sometimes, you'll be in the middle of the desert, with your arms in the sky, fingers splayed, tips touching the smoky dome of the Universe and you'll think, "Am I experiencing the actual best moment of my life right this second?" Then you'll fist your hands back up, the lights will turn off and you'll worry about your taxes. Or if you're eating enough greens. Sometimes, you'll play Tetris with your plans and awkwardly dance atop the teeter totter like a lost puppy with a smile on their face while repeating, "I got this... I think? I got this... i think?" and like a charged game of Russian Roulette you'll hope you land on "GOT THIS SHIT." Then of course, you won't land there and you'll make yourself a quesadilla. And hopefully, play another game. Sometimes, you'll have all the feelings and feel nothing at the exact same time and you'll think, "oh my god...is THIS the undiscovered dimension all humans throughout time have been feeling?" Then, you'll crawl into your bed all charged and "wise" and suddenly, you're on your phone debating ordering a pizza or calling your Mom, pretending that you have your shit together. Then you'll meditate, do some yoga, talk to God and feel "okay" again, until you wake up and have to relearn the epiphanies you had the night before and then, you'll feel bad for forgetting them. For not taking them seriously enough. For not making significant life-altering changes on your way to Starbucks, interspersed into your Daily Routine. SOMETIMES, while you're mid-hangover, you'll be sitting alone at a café and the most beautiful family will be sitting in front of you and you'll be like, "THAT'S ALL I WANT." Then, you'll proceed to text that person who makes you feel like a Douchebag to see if they'll acknowledge your existence, by which the following steps occurs- Step 1. If so, they give you one word. You do a cartwheel. You project progress. Step 2. you'll try to hang out with them, which obviously won't happen... Step 3. You actually give up. A month later, you're back at the same café, staring creepily at a family coveting their life and thinking, "I'm lonely. No, I'm not, I'm awesome?... But still, I'm here creepily envying you? " thus, back to feeling all the things at once. Sometimes, you'll collect all the wrong people and place them behind your fancy Windex-assaulted hutch, shiny glass and all and then at some unexpected point, you'll be forced to reevaluate their worth and realize you have to make a painful trade. You'll give up and then you'll take up. Then, you'll repeat it all again. Sometimes, you'll have everything you want right in front of you, but you won't give it the time of day because you're too afraid to let go of the things that validate you just enough to survive, while counteracting your true desires at the same time. Because, obviously, it's too risky to flee. If you let go of one, what if nothing becomes of the other? Then you'll wonder why you're still hungry, clutching to the familiar. Sometimes, you'll wake up. And each time, you hope you'll stay awake. Until you accidentally fall asleep again... Sometimes you'll make a thousand excuses as to why you can't. Why you can't find love, why you can't pursue your dreams, why you can't find the time...then, while you're surrendered, empty and ready to be filled again you'll hear this strained voice tell you; "Move out of your own way." What they were really trying to say when they were telling you to "let go," was "...kindly unclench your tiny fists that are holding that "thing" that you so want to get rid of, move out of your own way." It isn't that you're "too busy," or that you don't know what to do, it's that you've decided to know the answers before living through the answers, move your stubbornness aside. Then see the result. In fact, don't just move out of your own way... keep moving, in general. Move. Shift. Take steps. Sometimes, you'll be like an elephant who just wants to plant a pretty daisy amidst the rose garden and proceeds to fuck the whole operation up. What are you learning about YOUTH....what do you acknowledge to be true?

Monday, April 16, 2012

Where Am I?


Some days, I wonder where I am too. Daily I say to myself that I should write in my blog and based on the 3/22/12 date of the last time I shared my thoughts, I am failing at doing what I tell myself to do.

School, work, life, more life, more school, more work.

At 38, I surely thoughts my life would be in different places right now. Outside of being in a relationship, I have everything I want. A great career, an education, a home, a brand new car (or a 2011 that is) and all that other jazz but still there seems to be a sense of having it all together that I am missing. I guess we all need some extra glue on our hinges from time to time.

I need a nap, but that seems to be the story of my life. 9 more classes until I have my Masters. I can't believe I convinced myself to go back to school. Maintaining a 4.0 is really harder than I expected it to be. (Hmmm...you don't say?). Sarcasm at its finest.

Hello all. I'm still out here. Alive and kicking.

Opeartion lock myself in my backyard and fix the fence and the yard commences this weekend. Sounds like a blast huh? You know you want to join me. Come on. I will have beer and wine and some food on the grill.

Thursday, March 22, 2012

No, you can't buy me a drink


Here's the thing. I don't allow people to buy me drinks. I don't want anyone to buy me drinks. I don't want anyone to buy me anything. I can buy my own stuff. If you remove the ability for someone to buy you something then you remove the chance of someone just having to be themselves.

How about we start with honesty? Then, if you can live up to that, maybe one day you can buy me a drink.

Monday, March 19, 2012

Can I Sleep Under My Desk


Hello Monday. I saw you way too early this morning. I was at work at 0700. That means I was up at 0500.

I actually drank coffee this morning. Granted my friend J that I gave a ride to work this morning bought it for me, but I am NOT a coffee drinker. It didn't help either.

What a long freaking weekend. After getting back from Vietnam on Monday afternoon, I proceeded to get shit for sleep all week, then partied like a rockstar both Friday and Saturday night. To say that I am feeling the effects of the weekend right about now would be an understatement. Oh and Wednesday is my birthday so HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ME! Then this weekend is Shamrockfest. No rest for the weary.

I need a nap and it's only 0801.

Monday, February 27, 2012

I Mean Really?


Oh how I would love to just punch people right in the face. Or maybe just in the dick. Stupid cowards.

1) Dear ex husband. Have you lost your mind? Wait...that's a stupid question. NO. NO. NO. I do not believe you when you say that your "friend" is just a friend and you are traveling from Florida to VA with her and you want to come by MY house and visit MY dogs. You can go fuck yourself. Hard. Without lube.

2) Dear Tall and Stupid. I find it really funny that you tried to call me today to say that you were going to be in town and wanted to know if we could get together. One word for you. FACEBOOK. Oh and three more. OH HELL NO. You too can go fuck yourself. Even harder. Dry. With no lube.

3) Dear cowards of the world. TELL THE TRUTH. No matter how much it hurts or how much it sucks. STOP LYING. If you aren't interested, you aren't interested. And for the sake of everything holy and unholy, don't try to get with someone if you are already with someone.

Friday, February 17, 2012

Funny Friday

We have what we call a sounding board here on the main page of our intranet. This is used for suggestions and thoughts and ideas. There is one that was posted today that had me crying. Please enjoy.

Banish tepid water from water fountains, replace with bone-chillingly cold water (if possible)

I believe that every employee of _____________ is entitled to bone-chillingly, mind-numbingly cold water from the water fountains. Not a day goes by when I don't rue the ever-present tepid water that flows from the water fountains. In this era of austerity, I find that paying extra money to belong to some "Water Club" (which probably is more accurately described as a Socialist Water Collective) is a luxury I should avoid. I'd rather pay that 7 dollars a month to Support The Troops or buy flags for our men and women in uniform. But when I work, I really work, and like a red-blooded American patriot, I get thirsty. I don't want to drink pop or Snapple. I just want good, old-fashioned cold water. To my dismay, it's nowhere to be found. Instead, I have to skulk into the cafeteria, empty bottle in hand, pretending like I'm surveying the three-bean salad, and then when nobody's looking, I sneak over to the soda machine to fill the bottle with the most amazing H2O, the ambient temperature of which is just a couple of degrees above freezing. I can scarcely love my country more than when I quench my work-induced thirst with a pint of natural, cold water, but I hate myself for having to sidle past the cafeteria workers worried about getting the scowling of a lifetime.

I understand that many former military folks who read the SB will call to our collective attention the fact that ice-cold water is not always available when you're out in the field defending our nation's liberty. Still others will note that billions of people in the Third World don't have access to any drinking water at all. A few smarty-pants FSOs will probably talk about how they had their domestic helpers fetch them drinking water which had been hand-cooled to 2 degrees Celsius ("that's the temperature scale we use overseas, you know"). Sorry, folks, but This Is America. I think we're entitled to free, cold drinking water.

Access to cold drinking water will distract me and others like me from our dissatisfaction with our internet browsers, the water temperature from the taps in the bathrooms, the fact that there are still people in the year 2012 who yell and scream, and the fact that there were some pretty weird bathroom appliances in the building at one time. Drinking cold water is also pretty healthy, too, and it keeps my core temperature cool. This, in turn, keeps the "T-Zone" of my combination skin from getting too oily.
I'm just a boy, standing in front of a girl, asking her to love him. And to bring him some cold water. Please.

Monday, February 6, 2012

Lines

So, I was out the other night and I was approached by a guy at the bar. In true fashion, he asked to buy me a drink. I said no. Not because I didn't want him to, but I don't let anyone buy me drinks. Since that route didn't work, he then said, "okay, so you have a drink already, how about a toast." Sure why not. I don't even remember the toast because the line that he followed it with was pretty funny.

He said, and I quote "I'm only good at three things in life, drinking, shooting and fucking, we are already drinking, which one do you want to do next?"

Funny. Especially since I know him. You should have seen the looks on the faces of the people randomly standing at the bar that overheard and weren't aware that we knew each other.

Sunday, January 29, 2012

Ever Have

One of those days where you find yourself singing hate songs?

Tuesday, January 10, 2012

Love and Walls


My feelings were running a marathon and hit a brick wall because they misjudged their distance. And since I was all ready to keep running, I stood back up and tried to find a way over, under or around the wall. Sometimes I kicked and screamed and cursed the wall, sometimes I grabbed a rope and climbed with the determination I had never seen, other times I stood and stared at the wall thinking, there has got to be a way to move this damn thing out of my way. But what happened was, I found myself sitting on the ground, with my back leaned up against the cold bricks, shaking my head and screaming STUPID WALL.

I guess that not all brick walls are made to be broken down, or gotten around. Some times walls are put up to show you that you need to turn around and run the other way.

Thursday, January 5, 2012

Click, click, la la la

Sometimes you just don't have words that can explain how you feel, so you use pictures. Or sometimes even music. Today, I am going to use both. I know...going out on a creative limb huh? Or not. Whatever.