My photo
Some Say It's For Lovers, United States

Monday, February 27, 2012

I Mean Really?

Oh how I would love to just punch people right in the face. Or maybe just in the dick. Stupid cowards.

1) Dear ex husband. Have you lost your mind? Wait...that's a stupid question. NO. NO. NO. I do not believe you when you say that your "friend" is just a friend and you are traveling from Florida to VA with her and you want to come by MY house and visit MY dogs. You can go fuck yourself. Hard. Without lube.

2) Dear Tall and Stupid. I find it really funny that you tried to call me today to say that you were going to be in town and wanted to know if we could get together. One word for you. FACEBOOK. Oh and three more. OH HELL NO. You too can go fuck yourself. Even harder. Dry. With no lube.

3) Dear cowards of the world. TELL THE TRUTH. No matter how much it hurts or how much it sucks. STOP LYING. If you aren't interested, you aren't interested. And for the sake of everything holy and unholy, don't try to get with someone if you are already with someone.

Friday, February 17, 2012

Funny Friday

We have what we call a sounding board here on the main page of our intranet. This is used for suggestions and thoughts and ideas. There is one that was posted today that had me crying. Please enjoy.

Banish tepid water from water fountains, replace with bone-chillingly cold water (if possible)

I believe that every employee of _____________ is entitled to bone-chillingly, mind-numbingly cold water from the water fountains. Not a day goes by when I don't rue the ever-present tepid water that flows from the water fountains. In this era of austerity, I find that paying extra money to belong to some "Water Club" (which probably is more accurately described as a Socialist Water Collective) is a luxury I should avoid. I'd rather pay that 7 dollars a month to Support The Troops or buy flags for our men and women in uniform. But when I work, I really work, and like a red-blooded American patriot, I get thirsty. I don't want to drink pop or Snapple. I just want good, old-fashioned cold water. To my dismay, it's nowhere to be found. Instead, I have to skulk into the cafeteria, empty bottle in hand, pretending like I'm surveying the three-bean salad, and then when nobody's looking, I sneak over to the soda machine to fill the bottle with the most amazing H2O, the ambient temperature of which is just a couple of degrees above freezing. I can scarcely love my country more than when I quench my work-induced thirst with a pint of natural, cold water, but I hate myself for having to sidle past the cafeteria workers worried about getting the scowling of a lifetime.

I understand that many former military folks who read the SB will call to our collective attention the fact that ice-cold water is not always available when you're out in the field defending our nation's liberty. Still others will note that billions of people in the Third World don't have access to any drinking water at all. A few smarty-pants FSOs will probably talk about how they had their domestic helpers fetch them drinking water which had been hand-cooled to 2 degrees Celsius ("that's the temperature scale we use overseas, you know"). Sorry, folks, but This Is America. I think we're entitled to free, cold drinking water.

Access to cold drinking water will distract me and others like me from our dissatisfaction with our internet browsers, the water temperature from the taps in the bathrooms, the fact that there are still people in the year 2012 who yell and scream, and the fact that there were some pretty weird bathroom appliances in the building at one time. Drinking cold water is also pretty healthy, too, and it keeps my core temperature cool. This, in turn, keeps the "T-Zone" of my combination skin from getting too oily.
I'm just a boy, standing in front of a girl, asking her to love him. And to bring him some cold water. Please.

Monday, February 6, 2012


So, I was out the other night and I was approached by a guy at the bar. In true fashion, he asked to buy me a drink. I said no. Not because I didn't want him to, but I don't let anyone buy me drinks. Since that route didn't work, he then said, "okay, so you have a drink already, how about a toast." Sure why not. I don't even remember the toast because the line that he followed it with was pretty funny.

He said, and I quote "I'm only good at three things in life, drinking, shooting and fucking, we are already drinking, which one do you want to do next?"

Funny. Especially since I know him. You should have seen the looks on the faces of the people randomly standing at the bar that overheard and weren't aware that we knew each other.