You Had The Time Of Your Life

Kate, I'm sitting here trying to think of something to write. It's hard to believe that you are gone. You missed your 32nd birthday yesterday woman. How dare you sneak out on such a great event? And Halloween. My how you loved to dress up.

To think that you just laid down on the couch to get some rest and never woke up just doesn't make sense. BUT knowing that you didn't suffer brings a small comfort.

My heart is breaking knowing that M was only 7 days old (she's a whopping 11 days old now). That precious baby will never know the vibrant amazing woman you were. Your other girls are such beautiful little represenatations of you. May God bless and keep Tommy and your children in his arms.

We miss you. Thank you for making all of our lives better in some way.

My Tree

You can't be in a constant state of want, or you will never actually have anything. If you are always wanting something, you tend to forget what it is you actually want.

It's like climbing out on a tree branch on the top of the tree. You want to be on top so bad that you have climbed so far away from the root of the tree that you forget where you came from and how to get back.

Like a ballet dancer, has to go back to the bar and find her steps. A vocalist has to go back to the basics to find her tone. I must go back to the root of my tree. I must water my soil so that my tree can grow and stop being concerned about my withering leaves.

E. Holmes said "You can attract only that which you mentally become and feel yourself to be in reality."

Feeling The Music

I'm not an X Factor watcher but lately there has been a little hype about some auditions.








Sometimes you can't help but to feel the music.

It Does Exist

True love isn't a unicorn. Not a mythical creature.

Two of my favorite people from high school married each other. Sure, in high school they were always friends and different from each other, but it makes my heart smile to see them together. It took them a year or so after high school to start dating and then another two years to get married but hey, they did it. This is what I saw on her Facebook a few minutes ago.


S: Sixteen years ago today I walked down the aisle to marry the best man in the world! I was so happy about it I laughed through the whole ceremony! I'm still laughing and loving him as much today as I was then! Happy Anniversary J! I love you more!

J: If I had the chance to go it again, I would. There's not a nerdier hot girl I know. You are the total package! Top, BOOM! Bottom, BAM! Brains, KAPOW! KNOCK-OUT!! You're my Medusa...think about it...I LOVE YOU FOOL!!

YAY for the Unicorn.

A Dream Within A Dream

A Dream Within A Dream


Take this kiss upon the brow!
And, in parting from you now,
Thus much let me avow-
You are not wrong, who deem
That my days have been a dream;
Yet if hope has flown away
In a night, or in a day,
In a vision, or in none,
Is it therefore the less gone?
All that we see or seem
Is but a dream within a dream.

I stand amid the roar
Of a surf-tormented shore,
And I hold within my hand
Grains of the golden sand-
How few! yet how they creep
Through my fingers to the deep,
While I weep- while I weep!
O God! can I not grasp
Them with a tighter clasp?
O God! can I not save
One from the pitiless wave?
Is all that we see or seem
But a dream within a dream?

Today

Today I cried.

I cried for all of the what ifs,
The could have beens,
The should have beens,
The if I just had another chance.

Today I cried.

I cried for the heartbreak.
For the loss of my belief in a meant to be.
For the wondering how it came to be like this.

Today I cried.

I cried for me. I cried for you. I cried for us.

Don't Do It

Never Lose Your Shine

Shimmers dance and sparkle
On the surface side
Of new and the glare is stunning
Never lose your shine

Vision was bleak once
To the point of near blind
Life changed when the light came
Don’t ever lose your shine

In awe we watched
A path close behind
Fresh ink illuminated to
Never lose your shine

Emotions cascaded
Sincere tears in eyes
Never surrender the feeling and
Never lose your shine

So glow on pretty penny
You’re buff like a new dime
Utilize lady luck for your own right and
Never lose your shine

‘Cause there ain’t no deny
You’re buff just like a new diamond
So come out of hiding for all to find and
Never lose your shine

You are the brightest beacon
Amongst the dark sky
Guide on with confidence and
Never lose your shine

‘Cause dent, dulls, and darkness
Relentlessly arise
Keep the flame a-flicker and
Never lose your shine

Nothing is more defeating
Than affection that fades with time
Polish up your ambitions and
Never lose your shine

When you hold a key
One that opens closed minds
You have to enlighten your thoughts
and keep them a-glow and never lose your shine

After a While

After a While
(You Learn)
© Veronica A. Shoffstall 1971

After a while you learn the subtle difference between
holding a hand and chaining a soul.

And you learn that love doesn’t mean leaning,
and company doesn’t always mean security.

And you begin to learn that kisses are not contracts,
and present's aren’t promises.

And you begin to accept your defeats
with your head up and your eyes ahead...

With the grace of a woman,
not the grief of a child.

And you learn
To build all your roads on today,

Because tomorrow's ground is too uncertain for plans,
and futures have a way of falling down in mid-flight.

After a while you learn that even sunshine burns
if you get too much…

So, you plant your own garden,
and decorate your own soul...
Instead of waiting for someone to bring you flowers.

And you learn that you really can endure…
you really are strong,
you really do have worth.

And you learn, and you learn…
with every goodbye,

You Learn…

I must be

Insane. Albert Einstein said the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.

Yep. I keep expectIng different results and getting the same ones.

There is nothing worse than feeling like a fool.

This Is What Boredom Will Get You

1. What is in the back seat of your car right now? Chain saw, trash bags, rope, shovel, blah blah blah.

2. When was the last time you threw up? I don't throw up. You shut up.

3. What's your favorite curse word? Good girls don't curse. Shame on you for thinking so.

4. Name 3 people who made you smile today? Me, Myself and I. HEEEEEEEEEYYYYYYYYYYYY...

5. What were you doing at 8 am this morning? If I tell you, I will have to kill you.

6. What were you doing 30 minutes ago? Please refer to the answer to #5 and stop asking questions that will get you hurt.

7. What will you be doing 3 hours from now? Layin it down on the flip side. Didn't I warn you about these questions?

8. Have you ever been to a strip club? Yes. It's amazing the skills those girls have. I guarantee they will be the future leaders of America. They hold the true moral values that our country should be founded upon.

9. What is the last thing you said aloud? You're so fine, you blow my mind, how bout I hit it from behind?

10. What is the best ice cream flavor? Bubble gum...u get free gum, c'mon!

11. What was the last thing you had to drink? Not telling. 'Cause you can't have none.

12. What are you wearing right now? White turtle neck, dark green vest, pink camisole, white bra with matching panties (grrr), red leggings, black pants, blue suspenders, black knee high socks, white knee pads, yellow sweatband, purple ring pop, red fruit roll-up earrings (made them myself), aluminum foil grill, neon green scrunchie.

13. What was the last thing you ate? Food. Interesting concept huh?

14. Have you bought any new clothing items this week? Pocket protector. I'm pretty stoked about it.

15. When was the last time you ran? Last week when they had a prostitution ring bust in my neighborhood.

16. What's the last sporting event you watched? Dodgeball.

17. Have you been drinking? No officer. I am am the designated driver.

18. Who is the last person you emailed? Your mom.

19. Ever go camping? Around here, we call it livin.

20. Do you have a tan? Why's it always gotta be a tan thing?

21. Are you mad? Like Britney Spears mad?

22. What kind of car do you drive? None of your business. And no you can't get a ride.

23. What is today? It's ummmm...wait...what? Ummm...where am I?

24. Do you drink your soda from a straw? If I'm at a fancy sit-down restaurant. But that's only once every couple of years or so....

25. What did your last IM say? The body is buried in the backyard, if you talk, I kill you.

26. Are you someone's best friend? Hellz yeah I am. The bestest.

27. What are you doing tomorrow? Even street walkers have to rest.

28. Where is your mom right now? Wouldn't you like to know.

29. Look to your left, what do you see? The street sign. Sooo exciting! Take it off!

30. What color is your watch? Don't got no watch. I'm a rebel.

31. What do you think of when you think of Australia ? My Aunt, Uncle and cousins cookin somethin on the bar-bie!

32. Would you consider plastic surgery? Sometimes I think about it and I'm like, "well maybe just a little here or there" then I see someone later in life who had it done years ago and they look disgusting and I realize that I'd rather just diet and work out really hard and make good with what I got. Nothin a little tissue can't fix.

33. What is your birthstone? Skulls and Crossbones

34. Do you go in at a fast food place or just hit the drive thru? Drive thru so I can peg the cashier woman in the head with a penny.

35. How many kids do you want? Do you have some you are bringing to the relationship? I can want those.

36. Do you have a dog? Yes. Two, and they can kick your dogs butt.

37. Last person you talked to on the phone? My pimp.

38. Have you met anyone famous? I am famous....for being amazing. What what.

39. Any plans today? Just filling this out and then skidaddling to bed. (I know you love that I brought out the skiddaddle, really, how long has it been since you've heard that one?).

40. How many states have you lived in? Notchyos.

41. Ever go to college? Been. Graduated and going again. I think I'm confused.

42. Where are you right now? Hello. Obvious. Like...duh.

43. Biggest annoyance in your life right now? Lack of sleep.

44. Last song listened to? If you stand on it...we stand behinnnnnnnnd it!

45. Where were you 6 hours ago? I have an alibi, I swear.

46. Are you allergic to anything? Dumb drunk men at the bar. Ick...

47. Favorite pair of shoes you wear all the time? My bo bos. Walmart special yo.

48. Are you jealous of anyone? Nah brah.

49. Are you in love? Is that what I told you?

50. Is anyone jealous of you? Probably, there are many haters out there.

51. What time is it? You tell me. I ain't got not watch, remember?

*52. Do any of your friends have children? Yes, but we don't talk about their boyfriends like that.

53. Do you eat healthy? Define healthy.

54. What do you usually do during the day? Square dance, play jenga, and do a little break dancing.

55. Do you hate anyone right now? No...got only love for yas.

56. Do you use the word 'hello' daily? And howdy...can't forget howdy.

57. Ever been in the military? My DD-214 says I was.

58. How old will you be turning on your next birthday? How old are you looking for?

59. Have you ever been to Six Flags? Nah, I just ride real fast around corners through Northeast DC. Same thing. Ghetto rollerocaster.

Can We Have It All?

A few friends and I get in to a certain discussion from time to time. It's the "can we actually have it all" conversation.

Tides have changed over the years and women are more successful than ever. All of the sudden, we spend our lives getting an education and obtaining a career and then we find ourselves alone, with no one to share it with. There you are, standing in your big house or driving in your new car and there is no one standing next to you, or riding in the passenger seat, or driving while you sit in the passenger seat.

It seems these days that we have to give up something to get something else. Like we just can't have it all. We can't be educated, have a great career, be healthy and have love and be happy.

OR maybe we should just be happy with all of the "things" we do have. BUT what is all that "stuff" if you don't have someone to share it with? If at the end of the day, you go home to an empty house and talk to yourself (or your dogs) and when something exciting happens, you don't have that person to call and share it with that will exude pride and love in their voice when they get excited with you.

Can we have hit all? Or do we need to change our definition of what having it all is?

My Mama always told me that I am never satisfied. I used to think this was a good thing, maybe a bit of ambition but lately, I'm not so sure.

If You Forget Me

If You Forget Me by Pablo Neruda


I want you to know
one thing.

You know how this is:
if I look
at the crystal moon, at the red branch
of the slow autumn at my window,
if I touch
near the fire
the impalpable ash
or the wrinkled body of the log,
everything carries me to you,
as if everything that exists,
aromas, light, metals,
were little boats
that sail
toward those isles of yours that wait for me.

Well, now,
if little by little you stop loving me
I shall stop loving you little by little.

If suddenly
you forget me
do not look for me,
for I shall already have forgotten you.

If you think it long and mad,
the wind of banners
that passes through my life,
and you decide
to leave me at the shore
of the heart where I have roots,
remember
that on that day,
at that hour,
I shall lift my arms
and my roots will set off
to seek another land.

But
if each day,
each hour,
you feel that you are destined for me
with implacable sweetness,
if each day a flower
climbs up to your lips to seek me,
ah my love, ah my own,
in me all that fire is repeated,
in me nothing is extinguished or forgotten,
my love feeds on your love, beloved,
and as long as you live it will be in your arms
without leaving mine.

That's All Folks

Tuesday was divorce court day. I'm officially divorced.

Wednesday proceeded to suck the life out of me with a speeding ticket, a tow truck driver scam, damage to my car and just being unsure if I am on the road of getting my heart broken again.

Today has pretty much sucked too. I need to find a nice bar stool and pull up to the bar and make friends with a tasty beverage or two.

Mindless Forty Eight

Why not answer some questions? Yeah, yeah, I know, this is a blog. I'm supposed to write stuff not use random questionnaires like a teenager to entertain. Well, whatever. Read them anyway, I'm kind of funny today. Oh, and bless your heart.

1. What time did you get up this morning? Not what time I was supposed to, that's for sure.

2. How do you like your steak? Preferably on a plate and cooked.

3. What is your favorite TV show? DVR

4. If you could live anywhere in the world where would it be? Ireland. Under the rainbow, with the rest of my leprechaun friends. But right now that would have to be switched out with Japan. The land of the other little people.

5. Are you tired? I can't remember the last time I wasn't at least kind of tired. Sleep is obviously overrated. Well for some people anyway.

6. What is your favorite food? FREE.

7. Favorite Place to Eat? At home. I hate people. Or Top of The World in Vegas. I like those people.

8. Favorite dressing? The kind you put in turkeys.

9. Cup 1/2 empty or 1/2 full? Not sure. Where the hell is my cup?

10. Favorite time of day? After work. Not in traffic. You know. Vodka thirty or something.

11. Where were you born? In a hospital. Nifty concept huh?

12. Are you a morning person or a night person? HAHAHAHAHA! Talk to me in the morning. I dare you. Unless you live in a different time zone.

13. Do you have any pets? Yep. Three of them. All holy terrors. Want one?

14. Any new and exciting news you would like to share? Ummmm...nope. But thanks for asking.

15. What did you want to be when you were little? Bigger.

16. Are you a cat or dog person? Well, since I have both, I guess both. But I'm allergic to cats and dogs. Go figure. And we all know that I've had my fair share of dogs in my life. And not the kind with 4 legs.

17. Are you married? Technically for another 6 days. Why you want to get married or something?

18. Always wear your seat belt? Define always.

19. Any pet peeves? OOOO...I have lots of peeves. Pets too.

20. Favorite ice cream? I GOT ICE CREAM. AND YOU DON'T

21. Favorite fast food restaurant? Jack in the box. Even if I am scared of the game, I hate when that little guy pops out at me. So I just quit turning the handle.

22. Do anything spontaneous lately? Spontaneity is the spice of life and I am a habanero pepper.

23. Like your job? Yep and you can't have it.

24. Broccoli? What about it? We're friends. Do you have a problem with that?

25. What is your favorite color? Depends. Are there any bulls around?

26. Where are your pets right now? Two of them are probably tearing something up in the basement. Rotten animals. The cat is probably sleeping.

27. Last time you kissed someone? Ugh. WAY too long ago. June 20th to be precise. BOO. Now I have a pouty face. Thanks a lot.

28. Last time you consumed alcohol? Ummm...Last night. *looking around*

29. What color phone do you have? Naked or dressed?

30 . Ever laid under the stars?: Well, I reckon every night...I've never been able to make it OVER them. My rocket ship bed idea didn't really pan out.

31. What outfit do you have on at this exact moment? Outfit? We office people don't really wear outfits. Well, unless you count the skank downstairs on the 3rd floor. Anyway...Black and white. That's how I roll.

32. What do you want to be? A billionaire so freaking bad.

33. What are you doing tomorrow? Working. What are you doing?

34. Do you know someone who likes you? I THINK A LOT OF PEOPLE LIKE ME :) I am cool like that. But is there someone that "likes" me? Yes, yes there is. I kinda like him too. Shhhh...

35. Have you ever had a friend named "Fred, Frank, or Felipe"? I used to have a friend name Fred. HI FRED. Last I heard, he was busy catching border jumpers in Texas. I know two Franks. I need a Felipe.

36. What is the closest green object to you? I have a few green things. I don't feel like measuring to find out which one is the closest. Oh I know, a post-it. Did you know that my friend Michelle and I invented them?

37. Did you enjoy your last kiss? Yes and no. The kiss was amazing, but, it was in an aiport before I got on a plane. And I haven't had one since. So, thank you sir, may I have another?

38. What is/are your favorite kind of band(s)? The rubber ones.

39. Do you believe in Karma? I believe in Karma Chameleons. They are red, gold and green...red gold and greeeeennnnn.

40. Do you have any imaginary friends? Well, there are some people that wave to me and say hi and think I like them, they are imagining they are my friend. Does that count?

41. When was the last time you were interested in someone? I'm currently interested in someone. SO the last time was right now....and now....and now...

42. Do you miss someone right now? Like I would miss oxygen if I didn't have it for my next breath.

43. Do you believe the statement "bigger is always better"? No I do not. The woman at breakfast this morning was a perfect example.

44. Do you have a friend with benefits? Like medical and dental? 401k?

45. Ever fell down the steps? Come on. You underestimate my clumsiness. I fall, trip, knock people down, spill things, drop things...it's really funny. Until someone gets hurt. Namely me.

46. Have you ever almost died?: Almost only counts in horseshoes and hand grenades. A hand grenade would probably kill you....I don't know about a horseshoe, maybe...with a direct blow. If you got hit in the leg with a horseshoe, it wouldn't dismember you like a hand grenade. I think we should just disregard the whole horseshoe thing anyway. "Almost only counts with Hand Grenades...period...that's all." And yes, I have almost died.

47. Have you ever been to jail?: Yes, but I rolled doubles and got out free. GO ME!

48. Are we there yet? By golly, I think we are. Please keep your hands and feet in the plane until the plane has come to a comlete stop and the pilot has turned off the fasten seatbelt signs.

ROALL

Random Observations and Lessons Learned

1) Don't fight with your significant other in front of people. And learn that sometimes the fighting is pointless anyway.
2) Be careful who you give your heart to. Some people think they are toys and find new ways to break them.
3) Never drink more drinks at a bar than you are willing to pay for (people are sneaky).
4) Traffic on I-95 from Maryland to Virginia and throughout will always suck, at any given time. Deal with it or don't drive on it. Plain and simple.
5) People will spend way too long in the plastic bin aisle at Wal-Mart and Target trying to match the lid to the bin. (Funny stuff).
6) Wanting and needing are two totally different things. Learn the difference. Especially when it comes to love.
7) The officer does NOT care how fast anyone else but YOU were going.
8) The first person to say, "Are we going to play real poker?" is the first person to play a donkey hand and/or suck out on you.
9) Never put your pool stick away.
10) The designated driver is not the person who has had the least to drink.
11) What happens in the parking lot stays in the parking lot.
12) No matter how funny you think it is, your friend should not approach a police officer drunk in WaWa at 2 am and tell him how much she loves a man in uniform.
13) If you cannot name at least 5 people that play on your favorite sports team then you are NOT a true fan.
14) Some women are just that stupid.
15) Some men are just that stupid.
16) If more than 3 people tell you that your boyfriend is a jerk, he is 99% of the time a jerk. And stop holding on to that 1%, those are the confused people.
17) Men: Please refer to #17 and change boyfriend to girlfriend and jerk to ho.
18) Red jello stains your fingers if you don't wash it off until the next morning.
19) The Chili's on 610 sucks. The food and service is horrendous, unless you are sitting AT the bar (not IN the bar).
20) Don't run your mouth about something you aren't willing to take or give a beat down for.
21) Don't talk smack about the Marine Corps. Only Marines are allowed to do that.
22) Take your hat off, place your hand over your heart and shut your mouth when the National Anthem is being performed or played. End of discussion.
23) Never underestimate the power of fear.
24) People who you never thought you would talk to again, will undoubtedly call you, write you or e-mail you from Iraq.
25) Deny, deny, deny.
26) Try to always answer your phone. You never know when someone is going to need you.
27) High school for me was over 19 years ago. Please refrain from acting like you are still in it when around me. Thanks.
28) If you say you are going to call, then call. End of story.
29) I love the Goodwill. Yes, I know that not everyone can have a brand new one that is color coordinated and has great clothes. Sorry about your luck.
30) There will come a day when your heart truly is completely broken and cannot be repaired.
31) You must party with someone in a kilt and hear bagpipes on St. Patrick's Day or it's just not the same.
32) No matter how close redbox is to your house, the local bar or the bank, your movies will more than likely still be late.
33) Don't talk to me when I am watching the game, unless you are on fire.
34) Sometimes I wonder (not wander) well I do that too, but sometimes I just wonder. Shaking my head and sighing. Flabergasted.
35) People will never cease to amaze me. (where 34 gets me).
36) If you don't know who, make sure it's not you before you start talking about it.
37) Do it. I dare you.
38) Men will never learn.
39) Women won't either.
40) People who start off lying to you, will always lie to you.
41) There is a Jack In The Box off of exit 48A on I-85 in South Carolina. Don't keep driving thinking you will see another one. You won't.
42) The Fish House in Pensacola has the best Filet Oscar. Yummmy! Get it.
43) I do not get enough sleep. Ever.
44) Commencement ceremonies are boring.
45) I have the best friends. Smart and successful. We are a force to be reckoned with. Beware.
46) Some things are just better left unsaid. Period.
47) If you wouldn't want someone to do it to you, don't do it to them.
48) I do not believe "once a cheater, always a cheater."
49) Do not be rude to someone and get offended when they are twice as rude back to you.
50) Put that stupid collar down. It wasn't cool in the 80's and it is twice as uncool now. Idiot.
51) Yes I know I have colorful past. I lived it.
52) Yes, I have an accent. It took many years to get rid of it. Sometimes it creeps back in. No, I am not from NY, NJ, NE or any other state that talks like that either. Don't ask me where it came from. Ask my mom.
53) If I wouldn't date you myself, I will not introduce you to any of my friends for you to date them. Not happening. Move along.
54) I need to get more sleep. Much more.
55) Wear a bra, and a shirt that fits. While you are at it, wear some pants that fit too. It's not cute to do otherwise.

Fridays are for feelings...

The universe always has an interesting way of reminding me of who I am when I have somewhat lost my way.

When you start a new relationship, all of the ego based emotions, all of the walls you've built as a means for protection, all of the new insecurities, and barriers, seem to grow 3 inches thicker. Not only is the other person unknowingly trying to break down walls they don't even know are there, but you find yourself trying to break those walls down too, some days to no avail.

I thrive on being a planner, and I seriously feel that I never have enough. But I didn't plan on being single at 37. Yet another failed marriage. I didn't plan on meeting someone new even after being single became my new plan. I didn't plan on it being a long distance relationship that will test me in every way it can. I didn't plan on this. I had rules that I set for myself. And I broke them all.

I've learned that I set the expectations of people too high. I get caught up in the things that they do so much, that when they don't do them, I feel like they have let me down. I've been told before that I often times make people feel like they can't do anything right because when they do something wrong I let them know in a way that makes them feel disappointed in themselves. The issue is, I love with 110% and I do everything I can to let the people I love know it. I want them to know that I appreciate them and care about them and love them and need them and want them. I get all giddy when I get an email or a card in the mail or a phone call. But what happens is, I start to expect those things. And I start to make them part of my PLAN. And when I don't get the daily email or the phone call, I in a sense retreat. When someone tells me they are going to do something I expect them to do it. And when they don't, to me, it's a direct reflection on how they feel about me. I know, I just wrote about this the other day in another blog post entitled Wait What Did You Say. At the end of that post I wrote "Then I won't be disappointed when they don’t do what they say. I understand that we all have our own internal conflicts about what we say we want and what we are actually capable of doing. Maybe truly trusting someone, is understanding why they act the way they do." Here's the problem with that, once you start expecting less, you start to feel like you are receiving less. And when you feel like someone is giving you less than you deserve you start to not even want the little bit they are giving you.

Here's the thing. Once you have been hurt for the last time, you tend to freak out. A LOT. Sure, most of the time it's internally, but you still freak out. You always think the worst. Because too many times in the past, you thought the best and you were sadly, sadly mistaken and devastated. The truth of the matter is, there are some holes and tears, in my heart that are still mending- or a need to be replaced.

I'm always dreaming up the next move. But what I need to do is just allow "the process". I see what love is and I know that I can have it and I know I'm fully capable of giving it in return.

I'm in the process. I cannot fight it. So, I'm putting down the gloves for a second and I'm just going to let it be. I'm going to let myself sit in the "panic" for a moment and rather than flipping out, which tends to be my initial reaction, (sorry baby...I know you are reading this), I think that I'm going to roll with this. Yes, I am uncomfortable, and unsure of where this is all leading, I don't see the perfect plan, the perfect step, the booming voice of guidance isn't calling my name, and for once. It's okay.

Telling It Tuesday

If I could do it over
I'd have waited for this moment
To give my heart to you unbroken
But if our mistakes brought us together
Doesn't really matter whether
We were saints or sinners in the past
I don't care if I'm your first love
I'd just love to be your last

Excerpt from "I'd Love To Be Your Last" by Clay Walker

Wait...what did you say?

Trust
–noun
1. reliance on the integrity, strength, ability, surety, etc., of a person or thing; confidence.
2. confident expectation of something; hope.

Maya Angelou said, “When people show you who they are the first time, believe them.”

Have you ever been completely in love? You know, where you TRUST someone completely? Or 99.9% as I like to say? Sometimes, it feels like you just ran on to I-95 North or South in the Northern Virginia/DC/MD area, hoping you won't get hit. Or maybe traffic will be at a standstill and and if some car does bump you, you will only get a small bruise and you will still be able to stumble off to the side of the road to treat your wounds. Trusting can feel like walking on a tight rope with no net below to catch you if you fall.

Even though you might have fallen off of that tight rope a time or two, and you know how bad the pain is, you still climb back up that ladder and get back on that rope and put one foot in front of the other and start walking again repeating affirmations such as "I will not fall", "I will not look down", "I will reach the other side." (run on sentence much?)

Anyway. Trusting someone means that you learn to know them through their words. In the beginning stages of a relationship, all you have to judge your level of trust on is words that they give you. You find yourself on a rollercoaster ride where you are reaching for one of those locking bars to hold you in and you are wondering what will happen if the ride gets stuck at the top? Will anyone hear you screaming?

Sometimes relationships start off with the intention of never becoming a relationship and people aren't necessarily the most truthful. On a rare occassion, you find that the make believe turns into a fairytale and you are left standing their questioning everything. "Wait, what did you say?"
Things that you didn't really know were untruthful at the time you were told them and believed them tend to have a way of rearing their ugly heads. Then doubt creeps in to every crevice of your mind and makes you feel like you want to just jump off of the tightrope even though you know there isn't a net? You make excuses for why you should stay on the rope. "I will not quit. Just a little more time and I will get my balance. I will make it to the other side damn it. I WILL not fall off again."

The only things you can know of a person for sure (or 99.9%) is what you see, what you feel and what you experience (if you have your eyes open and aren't closing them that is). What you don't know are the things you don't see or feel or experience.

In my experience, what people say and do are generally two different things. Not necessarily because they are trying to lie but because at the time the statement was made, it was the truth. We all have our own set of fears and patterns that affect how we interact with people. In every hurtful situation where my trust has been breached, people have responded from their own unique set of fears. Because I wanted to trust and believe them, I ignored the truth to keep seeking love.

Maybe I should stop looking at people as to whether or not they can be trusted. Then I won't be disappointed when they don’t do what they say. I understand that we all have our own internal conflicts about what we say we want and what we are actually capable of doing. Maybe truly trusting someone, is understanding why they act the way they do.

Monday In Pictures

The Things You Find

On Wikihow. They seem to think they can tell you how to do anything don't they?



How to Stop Being Afraid of Being Loved or Falling in Love

Are you afraid to fall in love or of being loved by someone? Does the thought make you feel suffocated, too deeply entwined, or just plain uninteresting? For some, previous scars from being in love drive a need to stay away from love altogether, for fear of being hurt again. For sure, love is a frightening journey but it is also a wondrous one too and it is important to note that you get out of something what you put into it. So, without further ado, it's time to forge on ahead and learn some mechanisms to make it less scary, more enticing, and definitely worth your while.

1 Understand that the feeling of love is permissible.Understand that the feeling of love is permissible. Let yourself be overcome by feelings of affection, care, intensity, and warmth. These feelings won't destroy you - they are good, positive feelings. And if you let them show, it is so much the easier for the other party to feel OK about letting their mutual affection show back.

2 Rid yourself of past shadows.Rid yourself of past shadows. When you start feeling great affection for someone but the ghost of love-gone-wrong in the past starts fluttering by, tell yourself that this is a different situation this time, different person, and a wiser, more emotionally healthy you. You should have learned the lessons from past losses, so make good now and trust this new beginning is going to be work for you both.

3 Face your fears.Face your fears. If you feel a sense of suffocation, loss of self, or disillusionment about love, then you probably have a tougher road ahead than a person who fears a repeat of the past. For you, the fear is about losing yourself, your individuality. Think about the past and anyone who may have made you feel this way, suffocated, watched over, criticized too much. Put that memory into its place and recognize that that person or situation is very different from a love in which two people at an equal level care about one another and make mature decisions together. It also helps to set very clear but friendly ground rules about yourself from the start of a loving relationship - let the other person know that you will always feel a need for space, time alone, and opportunities to do things separate from your relationship but that this does not impact your love and care for this person. rather, Make it clear that this is a healthy way for a couple to be together, always growing and being individuals as much as being part of a couple.

4 Take the plunge slowly.Take the plunge slowly. You are never going to be the type who sees fireworks and feels love at first sight. You are too cautious; this is a positive, not a negative as only fools rush in where angels fear to tread. Take your time developing your loving relationship, and be mature, honest, straightforward and open with your partner. The love that flourishes from this slowly-does-it approach is often an enduring and respectful one.

5 Don't give up your other passions.Don't give up your other passions. Being in a loving relationship means being in a supportive one. It is not about being changed by another person, or trying to change someone. If you fear that the person you love might end up wanting to change something about you, deal with this early on. Always make it clear that you come with the fox terriers, the summer vacation hunting trips, the night-out-with-the-girls once a week, the desire to never have children, the weekends locked away editing wikiHow etc. If you have passions that define you, a partner who seeks to take them away from you will leave both of you unhappy and if this is what is stopping you from falling in love, return to the mantra of being open, clear, and up front from the start. Now that all this is out of the way, you can start to fall in love and enjoy the journey to self-discovery that includes discovering someone else. Good luck leaving fear behind!Ads by Google


Tips: Remember that love is a multi-colored, many splendid thing that is hard to confine to one-box-fits-all or to a singular definition. It just may be that your problem is how you define love; change your perspective and you might just lose your fear. Love can creep up unawares, dressed in the clothing of friendship, a shared passion, a regular meet-up, a weekly conversation in the pub - it doesn't have to be anything spectacular or overwhelming and it can be as simple, or as complicated, as you want it to be. Maybe seeing it this way can lessen your fear of the amorphous, overly romanticized notion of love and help you to understand that at its most basic, love is companionship with somebody who means a great deal to you.

Warnings: No matter who it is, there is always a chance of being hurt, even if you eliminate the fear. Choose heartbreak over fear of heartbreak; choose doing over doing nothing. Be careful that you aren't mistaking "Love" for loneliness. Don't think you are putting someone in your heart, when all you really want is someone in your bed.