Letter to Myself

Where did you go?
It seems like it's been forever.
I haven't seen you around.
That wild girl I used to know
has disappeared.

I know that life changes,
we grow up.
But growing up
doesn't have to mean giving up.

I know she's in there.
Dying to bust out and dance.
Dreaming of the day you let her out
to show off again.

Let yourself shine.
Stop blowing out your candle.
Be yourself.

Let her go.
Stop holding her back.

A Ten. I give it a Ten.

My ability to fall down stairs is astounding.

Monday morning, I fell down the last four stairs of the eight stairs in front of my house.

Seems I have torn some ligaments, tendons and muscles. No breaks. I mean that would be easy.

Here are a few pictures of my injuries:

In the ER:

In the ER:

Day Two:

I also scraped up my left knee and my left foot. My right arm escaped injury free until they gave me a tetanus shot in it.

Can I get a round of applause please?

Hey Mom, Remember That Time

When you ran me over with our car? I know you do. Not really all that hard to forget. I know, I know, I shouldn't bring it up, especially since it was about 31 years ago, but hey, I want to tell a story and in order to do so, well...I have to tell this one.

Picture this if you will. I'm talking to you, yeah you, the readers. Pay attention. Anyway, back to the picture. It was circa December 1978, I was 4. My husband had not even been born yet. *NOT FUNNY* Moving on. We lived in a trailer park (what...bitches?) My mother drove a 1973 Plymouth Fury III. It was huge (that's what HE said).

So, one Monday morning, I came skipping out of the house ready to go to pre-school. I was a nerdy little tomboy kid who LOVED school. The night before, we had received some Christmas gifts from the church. My Mother had taken them from the passenger side of the car when we got home. Like all little kids who can't open a door that big, I climbed into my Moms side of the car (yes, kids sat up front back in those days).

As we started to back out of our circular driveway, the passenger car door flew open. What did little ole nerdy tomboy me do? I reached out to grab it to close it. What happened to me? I fell out of the car. What happened after that? Can you guess? You should be able to, I mentioned it in the first sentence of this posting. I'll wait while you go back and check. Hmmmm...hhmmmm....hmmmmm...

Back? Okay. So yeah, the right front tire ran across my chest. Yes sir/ma'm, that huge care ran over me. With my Mother behind the wheel. I was FOUR. Being the hard kid that I was, I picked myself up off the ground and walked over to my Mothers side of the car and stood there looking at her. Moments later, I collapsed. YA THINK?

My Mother is not one to panic. She didn't in this case either. She was a little freaked out as I had blood coming from my nose and my mouth and I wanted to go to sleep. However, she made me stay awake as she flew to the hospital. I remember that. She parked in the parking area of the emergency room, put me in her arms and walked into the ER and said "I ran her over with me car."

HOLY Doctors and Nurses. They came out of the woodworks like roaches when the lights get turned on. The next thing I remember, I said to my Mother "Call JD and Judy (the Pastor and his wife) and have them come pray for me."

I spent three days in the hospital. Yep, a whole three days. They deemed me the miracle child. I had a bald spot on the back of my head, a giant scrape down my right arm, a COOL tiremark embedded in my chest and a little scar from where they had to put the chest tube when lung collapsed from the puncture in it. That's another story in itself. My MOM made a nurse cry and threatened a Doctor within an inch of his life.

As for me, (because this is all about me), I was angry that they put me in a baby crib in the ICU. I was NOT a baby. I HATED my chest tube with a passion. And the old man that died while I was in there still haunts me. I remember them trying to save him.

I do still however, have the Santa from my crib, the book I was given from the present tree and the gift of life.

NO...this is NOT why I am so flat chested.

Look at that, even at four I was a clumsy hot mess.

Things I Want In My House

I have a dream house in mind but my wallet cannot afford it. So, I decided to scale back a little bit. Okay A LOT. Some of these things I will have to work for but I really want this stuff. *sigh*

In a house, one of the most important things is the closet of course. This is a mans closet but I can womanize it. Check this out.



On those days that it's just too hot to do anything else but swim, I would love to walk out to this:



After I take a nice long swim, I can go relax in the bath in something a little like this:



If I want to hang out and play a little pool or have a drink, I can always go here:



If I get hungry while playing pool, I can head upstairs and cook myself something in here:




Finally, after a rough day or swimmming and playing pool and relaxing, I can retire to something like this:



Everything is give or take on the colors of course.

A girl can semi-dream can't she?

She Bats For Both Teams

So my friend K-vo asked me the other day what I think of Jen. At that moment, I couldn't quite put my finger on what it was about her that I was unsure of.

Then, last night, I noticed that she was being really friendly towards me. At one point she told me how beautiful I am and what an amazing smile I have. YAY compliments!! All accepted without a thought. Anyway, she told me all of this while invading my space. You know, the personal space. Touching my leg and looking all lovingly at me.

Then, as I went to leave, she gave me a big hug and as I pulled away she tried to kiss me. DUBA YEW TEE EFF? She missed and kissed my nose. UMMMM beyond awkward. I think I was stunned. It's not the first time I've been hit on by a woman and not even the first time a woman has been aggressive about it either, I was just not expecting her to do such a thing. Color me stunned.

Hey, I have no problem with who you are and who you do. Go for it. Whatever makes you happy. However, don't try to hit on me or worse yet make a move on me when one, I only play on one team and two I'm a married women. Sheesh. Fix your gaydar because it's broken.

Of course then I had to tell my friend K-vo that his love interest is a switch hitter. Which some guys think is cool but I think she likes the pink side better than the blue side.

Music Tramp

I listen to pretty much any kind of music. With the exception of TECHNO/HOUSE/TRANCE and Death Metal. Don't get me wrong, I can listen to it and at one time did, but they are not my first choices by far.

I love classical, old school hip-hop/rap/r&b/soul, country (current and old stuff), acoustic, reggae and many others.

I love to download songs on my iPhone that will make people look at my playlists and instantly have a look of bewilderment on their face. Classic.

Today, I was able to download some of my favorite old school songs. I am beyond thrilled.

It's the simple things on a Friday.

Holy Ships! I WON

So last night was week 2 of 8 of THE Bar's local Rockstar Wannabe contest. It's a karaoke contest.

I had been out with my friends because TOMORROW IS MY BIRTHDAY BITCHES. Anyway, I digress. When I got to THE Bar they needed one more person to sign up for the contest. My good friend Jacko signed me up (sneaky little wench).

Honestly, I really didn't care about the contest and even chose a song that I haven't sang in forever. I just wanted to sing because waiting for your chance to sing at THE Bar is painful.

As soon as the song started I wanted it to be over. I couldn't find my pitch and with every note I sang I just wanted the disc to break. When I think I'm doing bad on a song, I get stage fright. YEP, my knees start shaking and I giggle. I actually giggled during the song. HOLY NIGHTMARE.

I got off of the stage embarrassed because well, I KNOW EVERYONE there and they know that song SUCKED.

I was singer 8 of 8. Not exactly the best note to end with.

Voting started and it's all about crown applause. I actually hid behind someone while the voting happened, hoping that people wouldn't cheer for me as I did not think I should win.

So what happens? I WON. You have got to be kidding me.

Now, I'm a singer and I believe in giving someone their props when props are due, but last night was NOT one of those nights for me.

Now, I have to wait 6 more weeks until the final round where all 8 of us will compete against each other for $500.00 cash and a song with the band (one of my favorite local bands).

I have to win now. Must find a song that will rock the house. I want to win on my voice and my ability. Not on my friends being the loudest drunk people in the room.

BUT, you can best damn believe that everyone I know will be there the night of the finals. Bring it.

This One Time

Most people follow that statement with "at Band Camp." Yeah, well, have you ever been to band camp? NO? Well I have. And it wasn't all that fun. Think about the movie drumline. Yeah, it was about like that. 8-5, Monday-Friday for two weeks during the summer IN FLORIDA.

And there definitely weren't any instruments being inserted into anyones girly bits. Not that I am aware of anyway.

I've also been to boot camp. NEVER to be confused with band camp. However, some of those senior classmen might have watched Full Metal Jacket one too many times.

Boot camp...well., what can I say. Not as scary as I expected but it still sucked. It's no wonder Marines have that attitude. Boot camp is no joke. You defintely work your ass off to be able earn that title.

Anyway. The post really is about some injuries. And since band camp and boot camp helped to start them off I thought I would lay a little grounwork for my story.

Band camp circa 1989. I was running from the stadium to the band hall in the torrential downpour rain of Florida when I slipped and fell. NICE surfer style body flop on the ground. Right knee, busted all open, muscle torn. Great job. Let's not forget the muscle I tore in my tricep. When I get hurt, I do it good.

Many, many years later, all rehabed up and no problems, I decide to join the Marine Corps. WTF? Yeah...that's about what my Mom said. Even though I was 22.

One fine Marine Corps day as I was repelling, I landed pretty hard after jumping down and there went the knee. Nice little tear this time. GO ME. Just the week before that, I reinjured my arm doing line training.

Here is am quite a few years after that and thanks to, one or two ATV accidents, my knee and my arm and I have spent lots of quality time in Physical Therapy.

It has been about 4 years since I've had any problems. Now both hurt like it is their job to do so. I have a very high tolerance for pain, so when I go see the Dr., they are NOT happy with me to say the least.

Let's go ahead and add that I have an inner ear infection, LOW blood pressure and I am borderline anemic.

What in the hell? *said in my best southern girl accent*

I am 10 days away from my *GASP* 35th birthday. I am too young to fall apart.

Pity party, table of one.

Oh the joys of life.

How Much For 13?

Every Thursday, bloggers jot down thirteen things about their week, Thirteen secrets they’ve never shared before, Thirteen random things about themselves or their lives that give the reader a better idea of who they are. Then the fun begins, you go bloghopping! Tag other bloggers for their thursday thirteen.

Hmmm...why not? 13 things huh? Are there 13 things I want to share with you lot of strangers? What if I meet one you one day? Will you be thinking "she has...." Ah well, here goes nothing. Shhh...don't tell anyone.

1) I once won a dance contest for being the freakiest dancer in the club. Not freaky as in weirdo but freaky as in border line pornographic. *not my proudest moment* --- or was it?

2) In a fit of drunken rage, I cellphoned someone's car. Think red cellphone, nice cream colored car. Now with it's own red stripe. *defintely not my proudest moment*

3) I had to climb out of the second story bedroom window of a *friends* condo in the middle of winter when his crazy girlfriend (who I didn't know about) came home completely hammered and ready to stab people.

4) I once paid a hooker to sleep with my friend and till this day, I'm pretty sure he has no idea that I paid her or that she was a hooker.

5) A few years ago, I went to this wedding of a girl I barely knew. I had only met the bride a few days before the wedding at her bachelorette party (I was friends with her Maid of Honor). Anyway...after the wedding, the bride insisted that I ride in the limo with everyone since I was there with all of the bridal party anyway. While riding along, the groom looked at me and said "don't I know you from somewhere." OMG. Let me out of the car. Since I had no idea who he was, I said "I don't think so, I just moved here not to long ago (my friend played along). Come to find out, just two weeks before that, he had hit on me at the bar and had given me his business card and invited me to watch a football game in his company box seats.

6) I was almost kicked out of college for cheating. Even though I didn't cheat. Someone cheated off of me and passed my work off as theirs and since I turned mine in after they did, I had to prove my work.

7) My Mother has a ministers license. No, I am not "the preachers daughter."

8) I absolutely loathe my brothers girlfriend and if he marries her, I will never speak to him again. -Not that I really like speaking to him now-.

9) I have a sick fascination with the this website: http://www.mydeathspace.com.

10) I am a speed reader. Seriously. I can read a 300 page book in about 2.5 hours (without interruptions).

11) I skipped the second grade and I made straight A's in school until I was in the 9th grade.

12) I knew how to read, write in print and in cursive, add, subtract, multiply and divide, before I went to kindergarten. Yes, I was that kid. I have no idea what happened.

13) I still dream about being an OR/ER Level 1 Trauma center Doctor. Such an aspiration and a far cry from my number crunching in cube land. *has anyone seen my stapler?*

Mindless

1) What is your occupation right now? Number cruncher. Bean counter (some jumping, some not).
2) What color socks are you wearing? Me no wear sock today.
3) What are you listening to right now? The girls in the bay (the part of the building I work in) all chatting and clicking and working and me…not working.
4) What was the last thing you ate? Hold on…let me get my donut. Okay…it was a strawberry covered donut. MMM…to the 10th power.
5) Can you drive a stick shift? I hope so. Or I someone else has been driving my car for the last few years.
6) Last person you spoke to on the phone? The OCD hotline. (kidding, or am I)
7) Do you like the person that sent this to you? I guess. She’s alright. A great road trip partner, drinking buddy and laugh till you cry girl.
8) How old are you today? Effin old. I feel a hundred. Feel me. Wait…no don’t feel me.
9) What is your favorite sport to watch on tv? Ooooo…feetball of course. College then NFL. GO GATORS! Chomp Chomp.
10) What is your favorite drink? I don’t drink. *ahhhahahahahaahahahahahahahaha*
11) Have you ever dyed your hair? I personally have never dyed my hair. I pay Allison to do that.
12) Favorite food? I'm a maneater.
13) What is the last movie you watched? Does porn count? ---kidding--- I have no idea actually. It’s been awhile.
14) Favorite day of the year? This year? The year? What year?
15) How do you vent anger? I don’t get angry. I’m all sunshine and roses.
16) What was your favorite toy as a child? Hard to choose between my big red fire truck (woooo) and my collection of matchbox cars. Tomboy much?
17) What is your favorite season? Football
18) Cherries or blueberries? Depends on what I am doing with them. Cherry pie. Cherry vodka. Blueberries (fresh) and blueberry Martinis (mmm…)
19) Do you want your friends to e-mail you back? SERIOUSLY why do people ask these questions? NO…I don’t want people to e-mail me. I am just sitting here, pouring my heart out and I want all of my friends to ignore me.
20) Who is the most likely to respond? NO ONE. Damn you all. V sent it first, C responded and gets a cookie for saying that I would be the first to respond and K, B, S and M (not that kind pervs) probably will just look at ours and go on with their lives. Whatevs.
21) Who is the least likely to respond? UMMM hello, someone is not reading what I just wrote. PAY ATTENTION.
22) Living arrangements? ME. The Queen, and two hateful pets. A cat and a dog.
23) When was the last time you cried? The same day V did. But mine was for sure on the 29th.
24) What is on the floor in your closet? Shoes. Bodies.
25) Who is the friend you have had the longest that you are sending to? WHO THE HELL WROTE THAT SENTENCE? ---that’s not who I am sending it to—That friend would be Sharon. HI SHARON!
26) What did you do last night? Kicked an old lady and little girls ass in Wii bowling. WOOT! Went to the bar and played poker. Then went to the other bar and sang karaoke with the ladies.
27) What are you most afraid of? Lightening. You all think I’m kidding. That stuff terrifies me.
28) Plain, cheese or spicy hamburgers? I like mine with lettuce NO tomato, heinz red ketchup and French fried potatoes a big kosher pickle and a nice cold drink (not beer).
29) Favorite dog breed? Man? They are dogs right?
30) Favorite day of the week? If I could go home right now and go to sleep it will forever be Thursday. I would love me a Thursday.
31) How many states have you lived in? Florida, South Carolina, North Carolina, Hawaii and Virginia. That’s it? I suck.
32) Diamonds or pearls? D to the I to the A to the M, O to the N to the D to the pearls of love. D to the I to the A to the M, O to the N to the D to the pearls of love.
33) What is your favorite flower? Fresh picked ones. Free ones. Given ones. I love gardenias, and lilies and daisies and roses of course. I *heart* flowers. FLOWER POWER!

Priceless

Winery Adventures…..

1. Driving in circles….check!

2. Stopping at the Redneck Macy's AKA Wal-Mart to buy a GPS…..check!

3. Making it to the winery….check!

4. Wine tasting….check!

5. Buying 7 bottles of wine….check!

6. Buying Brie, proscuitto, bread, water, and ANOTHER cutting board and knife….check!

7. Meeting old couple that wants to set up V with 25 year old, hot son….check!

8. Having old couple buy us wine….check!

9. Making fun of wanna be "Hills" stars at Vineyard….check! (Dude, take off your sunglasses inside…really!!)

10. Pictures of old places….check!

11. Shopping at Amish store…buying Hug Heinie wine….check!

12. Shopping at British Pantry…more pictures….check!

13. Falling in love with the taste of warm crotch water….check!

14. Putting on fresh deodorant on Rte. 28…check!!

15. Drunk dialing Mario….check!

16. Calling C because she's our Internet whore, but she doesn't answer….check!

17. Driving and starving….check!

18. Eating crustaceans and rehydrating….check!

19. Shopping at Target at 2100….check!2

0. Driving home and passing out….check!

21. A winery day with Mel & V-dog….PRICELESS!!

Chainsaws and Rollercoasters

I pride myself on being able to write funny stuff from time to time. Even if that stuff is written in a MySpace bulletin format.



1. What is in the back seat of your car right now? Chain saw, trash bags, rope, shovel, blah blah blah.

2. When was the last time you threw up I don't throw up. You shut up.

3. What's your favorite curse word? Good girls don't curse. Shame on you for thinking so.

4. Name 3 people who made you smile today? Me, Myself and I. HEEEEEEEEEYYYYYYYYYYYY...

5. What were you doing at 8 am this morning? That is an ungodly hour to speak of on a Saturday morning. Especially to those of us that work 2 jobs. Whatever.

6. What were you doing 30 minutes ago? Judging my boss' cartwheel technique.

7. What will you be doing 3 hours from now? Layin it down on the flip side.

8. Have you ever been to a strip club? Yes. It's amazing the skills those girls have. I guarantee they will be the future leaders of America. They hold the true moral values that our country should be founded upon.

9. What is the last thing you said aloud? You're so fine, you blow my mind, how bout I hit it from behind?

10. What is the best ice cream flavor? Bubble gum...u get free gum, c'mon!

11. What was the last thing you had to drink? Not telling. 'Cause you can't have none.

12. What are you wearing right now? White turtle neck, dark green vest, pink camisole, white bra with matching panties (grrr), red leggings, black pants, blue suspenders, black knee high socks, white knee pads, yellow sweatband, purple ring pop, red fruit roll-up earrings (made them myself), aluminum foil grill, neon green scrunchie.

13. What was the last thing you ate? Food. Interesting concept huh?

14. Have you bought any new clothing items this week? Pocket protector. I'm pretty stoked about it.

15. When was the last time you ran? Last week when they had a prostitution ring bust in my neighborhood.

16. What's the last sporting event you watched? Dodgeball.

17. Have you been drinking? No officer. I am am the designated driver.

18. Who is the last person you emailed? Your mom.

19. Ever go camping? Around here, we call it livin.

20. Do you have a tan? Why's it always gotta be a tan thing?

21. Are you mad? Like Britney Spears mad?

22. What kind of car do you drive? Whatever kind the John that pays the most is driving.

23. What is today? It's ummmm...wait...what? Ummm...where am I?

24. Do you drink your soda from a straw? If I'm at a fancy sit-down restaurant. But that's only once every couple of years or so....

25. What did your last IM say? The body is buried in the backyard, if you talk, I kill you.

26. Are you someone's best friend? Hellz yeah I am. The Johns lost to tell me whatever I want them to.

27. What are you doing tomorrow? Even street walkers have to rest.

28. Where is your mom right now? Wouldn't you like to know.

29. Look to your left, what do you see? The street sign. Sooo exciting! Take it off!

30. What color is your watch? Don't got no watch. I'm a rebel.

31. What do you think of when you think of Australia ? My Aunt, Uncle and cousins cookin somethin on the bar-bie!

32. Would you consider plastic surgery? Sometimes I think about it and I'm like, "well maybe just a little here or there" then I see someone later in life who had it done years ago and they look disgusting and I realize that I'd rather just diet and work out really hard and make good with what I got. Nothin a little tissue can't fix.

33. What is your birthstone? Skulls and Crossbones

34. Do you go in at a fast food place or just hit thedrive thru? Drive thru so I can peg the cashier woman in the head with a penny.

35.How many kids do you want? Can my man count as all that I want?

36. Do you have a dog? Yes. And she can kick your dogs butt.

37. Last person you talked to on the phone? My pimp.

38. Have you met anyone famous? I am famous....for being amazing. What what.

39. Any plans today? Just filling this out and then skidaddling to bed. (I know you love that I brought out the skiddaddle, really, how long has it been since you've heard that one?).

40. How many states have you lived in? Notchyos.

41. Ever go to college? School of the hard knocks NOVA DAME. Oh and an accredited one too.

42. Where are you right now? Hello. Obvious. Like...duh.

43. Biggest annoyance in your life right now? Lack of sleepizzle fo shizzle.

44. Last song listened to? If you stand on it...we stand behinnnnnnnnd it!

45. Where were you 6 hours ago? I have an alibi, I swear.

46. Are you allergic to anything? Dumb drunk men at the bar. Ick...

47. Favorite pair of shoes you wear all the time? My bo bos. Walmart special yo.

48. Are you jealous of anyone? Nah brah.

49. Are you in love? How much are you paying?

50. Is anyone jealous of you? Probably, there are many haters out there.

51. What time is it? You tell me. I ain't got not watch, remember?

*52. Do any of your friends have children? Yes, but we don't talk about their boyfriends like that.

53. Do you eat healthy? Define healthy.

54. What do you usually do during the day? Square dance, play jenga, and do a little break dancing.

55. Do you hate anyone right now? No...got only love for yas.

56. Do you use the word 'hello' daily? And howdy...can't forget howdy.

57. Ever been in the military? My DD-214 says I was.

58. How old will you be turning on your next birthday? How old are you looking for?

59. Have you ever been to Six Flags? Nah, I just ride real fast around corners through Northeast DC. Same thing. Ghetto rollerocaster.